Why not everyone will be there for you when you’re grieving
I love my friends. I would be lost without them. Fact. I update facebook all the time (which still isn’t often enough) about what awesome friends I have. I’ve read a lot of quotes and people’s thoughts about friendship and what true friendship is. All sorts of lovely stuff about how true friends will stick by you through absolutely anything. And how it’s the tough times in your life that will sort out who your real friends are – those people who really care about you. And of course these times will also sort out which people aren’t your true friends at all. Because everyone knows that your true friends will stick with you through thick and thin and be there for you no matter what happens right? They will be your wings when you’ve forgotten how to fly, right? They will stand right there by your side always, won’t they?
What a load of fluffy, idealistic twaddle. (I would love to use a better word than ‘twaddle’ but I’ll refrain. ‘Twaddle’ does the job well anyway). If you’ve lost your parent or indeed anyone close to you recently then holding these beliefs about the people around you is going to make your experience feel that little bit more painful and lonely, you’ll have incredibly unrealistic expectations of the people you know, and you could well end up writing off certain people or holding grudges against them for a long time. And this is a pity – you might need them in the future.
When I say ‘fluffy, idealistic, twaddle’ I’ll admit I’m being a little harsh. What I probably should say is ‘yes and no’. Some of your friends will be ‘there for you’ and some won’t and it won’t necessarily have much to do with how they feel about you or whether they are ‘real friends’ or not – whatever that really means. When I have been through death and loss in the past I wouldn’t have got far through it without my friends. But they didn’t all behave the way you might think.
As I started to explain in my last blog – this is not something small and tricky you are going through. It’s DEATH. People are scared of death – they are scared of it happening to them and they are scared of it happening to people they love. They don’t really want to think about it…..or talk about it for too long. When I explain the work I do to people I actually can’t even use the d-word, as often, without even knowing it, people will actually shut down before my eyes. When I’ve done this in the past I have watched the mental earplugs get inserted and people excuse themselves from my company. They might not understand exactly why but they suddenly feel the need to…..go and do absolutely anything else.
Your friends, your colleagues, your loved ones will have different feelings, experiences and issues around death, and it’s highly likely they aren’t even aware of them. Your experience can be scary and push buttons deep inside them that they don’t even know they have.
Let me give you a first-hand example. I’ll bet there will be a few people in your life that this reminds you of. About 6-9 months before my own dad died, the father of a girl I worked with passed away from cancer. Let’s call her ‘C’. C is a good friend of mine now and has been for years but at the time when this happened we had only been working together for a few months. Though we worked in a large office, she and I were part of a small team of 5 people and our desks were opposite each other with a chest-height partition between us. Due to the work we did we all worked very closely together and I couldn’t leave my desk without passing her. I spoke to her a lot during a normal day. So all in all I had a lot to do with C. I’m not sure I knew her dad was ill before he died but I remember being told when he had. She was away from work for a week and when she returned here is the wise, insightful, and highly supportive thing I said to her. ………… ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. Yip, that was it. Absolutely nothing. I didn’t say “I’m sorry”, or “I heard about your dad”. I didn’t even allude to it with one of those concerned knowing looks on my face and an indirect (but loaded) question like “how are you doing?” or “how is the family coping?”. Not even an “are you ok?” Nope, I didn’t say a single word and I acted like everything was normal.
Was I a rubbish friend? Did I not care about her? Not at all. Here is what really happened. I told myself that I didn’t want to upset her, that maybe if I brought it up it would remind her and make her feel worse, that she would bring it up if she wanted to talk about it. I told myself I didn’t need to tell her I was sorry – of course she knew that I was. How could I not be?! I told myself that she was well aware I was there for her if she needed me.
When my own dad died I could look back on what happened and see it so clearly for what it
was. I was scared by her experience. I could only look at it from out of the corner of my eye. Just for a second. And I was scared of her. I didn’t know what would happen if she got upset and fell apart in front of me. I didn’t know what the right thing to do and say would be. I didn’t know how to make her feel better or how to fix it for her. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. It was just too big. And the important thing to note is that I only understood this later. At the time I told myself I was doing it for her.
When I went through the same experience not long after C did it became amusing to me to watch the variety of reactions around me. Some people practically climbed all over me and wouldn‘t leave me alone, some treated me like a leper (they definitely didn‘t want to catch what I had), some forgot, and some did/ said the most unusual things.
When you’re grieving, some of your friends will be around you as much as possible, some will distance themselves from you – either temporarily or sometimes permanently, and every variation in between. It will vary hugely based on their own feelings and experiences.
It is actually very unrealistic and unfair to imagine that the people closest to us, and even those that are not as close to us, will somehow, in our hour of need, miraculously get over some of their deepest darkest fears – often that they aren’t even aware they have – so they can be there for us.
When you have just lost someone close to you there is a part of you that wishes you could walk away from it all and ignore it, or shut your eyes and come back in a few months when things are a bit better. And there are people in your life who are simply a reflection of this part of you.
Want to know something else? You need these people too. This fantasy that everyone will be there for you would never work out. Sometimes you need the people who won’t look at you funny and will let you pretend everything is normal. You might not want everyone to see you suffer and these are the people you won’t share it with. These people can be a lot easier to be round than others when life returns to something resembling normality. Not everyone in your life needs to have been through this with you and seen your pain. It can be a very private thing sometimes. And the truth is that some people really are so lost about what to say or do around you that you’d have to be helping them, rather than vice-versa, which you probably don’t have the energy for.
Another important job of people who you think aren’t there for you is that they make absolutely awesome targets for your emotions. When facing where the real pain and stress is coming from can be too big and overwhelming, you’ve probably found yourself obsessively pissed off at someone close to you who you felt abandoned you and didn’t do what they ‘should’. I have found this situation with almost everyone I’ve coached. They are a safe and distracting place to focus some of what you are feeling until you‘re ready to really look at the real source of your pain.
Every type of reaction to you – no matter how confusing, frustrating or odd, serves a purpose. If everyone were there for you, understanding and seeing your suffering, you would risk being smothered and overwhelmed, being expected to talk about it all more than you might like to, and feeling vulnerable and unable to act normal at the times when you want to.
Something very interesting to know too is that just like the people who ‘aren’t really there for you’, the ones who are have their own stuff going on as well. The most supportive ones have often been through something similar before and, here’s the key bit, they are still trying to make sense of it themselves. They don’t just come to you to help. They come to you for help as well. Energetically these people can actually be a bit draining for you so to have everyone around you be like this would be a nightmare.
So just remember that the people around you do love you very much, that they will do what they can for you, that (though it isn’t always obvious) they are helping you and you do need them – all of them. But most of all know that they are human too and don’t set your expectations on them so ridiculously high that some of them are bound to let you down. You are loved no matter what.
As always I welcome any comments, thoughts, questions below!
Kristie
xx
PS I’ve just done a video blog which is a prequel to this one which you might like to check out….. Your right to be angry at those you aren’t ‘there for you’ when you’ve lost your mum or dad…& why it’s time to give it up.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Kirsty,
Thanks so much for this post. It’s perfect timing. 8 years ago, one of my best friends gave birth to a baby daughter very prematurely, and after 6 weeks of intensive care, she lost her fight and died. I was in London and my best friend was in Sydney. At the time I couldn’t bring myself to send or write anything to her. I called to speak to her – but she was putting on a brave face and I know she wasn’t appreciating the drama merchants so our calls were more matter of fact than anything. I wanted to write and send stuff – but I felt powerless to do so – as if anything I wrote or sent would trivialise what was going on and how much pain I was feeling for her – let alone what I could barely comprehend how she was feeling. And since that time, it felt like she’d moved on and it wasn’t right to go there. Last week she blogged about the death – the first time she’s really talked about it – it would have been Liljana’s 8th birthday. And finally I feel like I can write what I feel. Her blog has given me permission to let her know I constantly think of her, and Liljana, and that I regret not being able to ‘be there for her’. I never really understood my own reaction – but I’m going to send your blog to my friend with the cards I bought at the time and couldn’t send. Thanks so much.
Hiya Steph,
You’re very welcome. It is so much trickier than people think and NEVER just a case of being there simply because you’re a friend.
A friend of mine the other day told me about a friend of hers who lost a child in an accident recently. Having children of her own, my friend admitted that she could allow herself to think about what had happened, but only very briefly. I didn’t need to ask to know that she probably had very little contact with her friend during this time.
There are so many layers and reasons to why we can’t all be there. But it’s also so important to remember we aren’t all supposed to be there. Too much of that type of support can be overwhelming and crippling. If you look at the situation there will probably be reasons why it worked out better for your best friend and you that you weren’t in contact that much. Forcing yourself to try and help when it isn’t the right thing for you can actually destroy friendships just as easily as anything else. And if this is the first time she has been able to share about her experience I’d guess that you being there for her in that way and talking to her about it might not have been quite right for her until now anyway.
xxxx
Personality types do differ, and there’s a song that says something like “you say it best by saying nothing at all”. Looking back at my dad’s death, funeral, and the time period shortly after, I think the people I enjoyed being with the most were those who said little or nothing about the matter at hand. There were plenty of people who were cheerful and treated me like they always do. I didn’t even realize this until I read your post, and it is good insight on how I may (or may not) act/react the next time somebody close to me loses a loved one. Thanks for sharing this post!
You’re very welcome. Thanks for sharing Mike.
Friend, I think this is the most realistic perspective I’ve read so far. Thank you!
X
Supa
Hiya Supa Dupa Fresh. Really glad you liked this. And thanks for passing it on too. xxx
Thank you for this insightful blog, it is definately food for thought.
You’re very welcome Jennette. xx
I think there are some useful ideas here.
But I don’t endorse it 100 % either because to me, there are categories of “true friends” and then other people who are friends but will never be that close because they weren’t there. I tend to need a lot of empathy and am not getting quite as much as I need. There are friends who ARE there for me. But I can’t call them every day. So I am frustrated not with them but with the ones who don’t get it. And I’m on my third grief cycle in a three year period. I am only 40, but fate and freak medical events have determined that the important individuals in my life are going to die one after the other. One of those people is in the process of dying, and it’s a hard year ahead. So it’s kind of like I need to know that I can count on people if I have grief cycle again. I guess the person I am the most upset with is the one who I saw as potential partner. It’s clear that he just couldn’t ever be the right partner for me, and it’s disappointing to learn that while I’m grieving. I think I just prefer the company of people who are empathetic but who also get it. And even if they are coming to me to help resolve their issues, I say, “great!” It can be a mutually healing experience. I don’t find that exhausting at all.
Hi Empathy needer,
sorry for the delay in responding to this. For some reason I didn’t receive a notification so only just spotted your comment.
I totally get the need for empathy and I hope my blog didn’t seem unempathetic in that way. It is very tough going through what you’re going through and, from what you say, it is far from over with more deaths coming. And of course you want to be able to rely on your friends and the people you care about to be there. That’s natural.
It can be so easy to be resentful and disappointed at friends and you might have read this blog and thought ‘why should I try and understand their behaviour?’ or ‘why should they be let off the hook? They really should be there for me.’
This can get tricky for 2 reasons -1) staying cross and stressed at others only hurts you. Being upset at friends who haven’t been there just adds to your upset and you have enough of that to cope with already, and 2) the reality is that people won’t always behave the way we like, particularly not in these circumstances and to fight that is to fight reality. Especially when you have more bereavements that you know are going to be happening soon it’s a great idea to get your head around people’s behaviour or you will end up being hurt and disappointed every time you suffer a loss or other trauma. And adding hurt and disappointment at friends to any of these these traumas just makes them bigger and more painful.
You know what you need and the type of support you want so the key is to know where to find that. If you know that certain friends and family won’t provide that then, instead of fighting that, accept it and find support elsewhere. Particularly online there are loads of blogs, not just by specialists in the area like me but also by people who are grieving – and there can be a real sense of community there. There are forums and support groups – I am usually not quick to recommend these – it is really important to find the right ones. If you know you need a certain level of support and you already know where you won’t get that then get a little creative about where you can find it.
Feel free to get in touch with me directly if you’d like some more detailed ideas of where to go and what sites to check.
Kristie
x
This is very realistic, my boyfriend just lost his dad and even though I love my boyfriend very much AND I do want to be there for him sometimes I just want to hop on a plane and fly off somewhere for a year. I don’t know what is driving this, but there are times where I want to help out in any possible way and I jump at the chance to be there for him or one of his family members but sometimes I get anxiety at even the thought of having dinner with them. There were even times when I would get angry or resentful towards him because I would go somewhere reluctantly and he would be upset or ignore me, of course he would sense it and get more upset but what could I do, it is very hard for me to hide my feelings. Every other post I have read on this topic has made me feel like an insensitive, selfish brat who really doesn’t care for their friend in need. I have taken to being there for him when I am up to it and politely bowing out when I’m really not up to it and I know I would be of little assitance. He does know I love him and he has told me that although he really needs me he understands that I have feelings too and that it can’t always be about him.
Thanks so much for the post
Hiya Isabel,
thanks so much for posting.
It can be really rough when all you hear is ‘now I know who my real friends are’ and other such nonsense, when you are the person trying to or wanting to support someone else and not being able or willing to. You’ll know from my blog that I had been in the same boat….and know what it is like to be ‘that’ person.
I’m so pleased that your boyfriend gets where you are at. There will be people around him who can and are able to support him in a different way to you – let them do that. And it’s great he can acknowledge you have feelings too. He is going through a lot – that doesn’t make you suddenly don’t matter. Forcing yourself would have just put more pressure and stress on both of you.
No matter what is going on around you it is so important that you stay true to yourself…and don’t listen to anyone who suggests that this is a measure of how much you care about him – that would be another piece of nonsense.
Here for you and on your side,
Kristie
x
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