The UK’s first Death Cafe…and why you oughta be there next time.

Over the weekend I attended the UK’s first Death Cafe.

What the….?!

So the Death Cafe concept originated in Switzerland where Bernard Crettaz set up these pop-up cafes.  Food, drink, great company, and a specific topic of conversation.  You guessed it – death.  The reason being that death can be such a taboo in many societies. Yes people know logically they are going to die…but they don’t really buy it, thinking that day will never come, struggling with their fears and feelings around death, and generally finding the whole idea morbid and untouchable.  And not being able to even talk about the concept of death affects how you live and how you are affected when death does come in to your life.  And it directly impacts what your grief looks like when you lose someone.

Death awareness is life awareness.  Death awareness means being a bit more open and honest, and a little less terrified, about the only true certainty in life for you and for the people you love.  Remember, just because you don’t share your thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean they go away.  In fact, not opening up to them buries them….down deep where they do the most damage.

Apparently these cafes were pretty popular in Switzerland and have also been run in France.  And now, due to the hard work and dedication of a wonderful new friend of mine, they have started in London.

Now if that sounds like something only someone like me, i.e. with a clear interest in death, would attend then think again.  These events are specifically for you.

Hands up if you have ever had death impact your life; will die yourself one day; have been in grief; or potentially might be grief in the future. Or all of the above.  If your hand isn’t up then perhaps you’d like to read the previous sentence again. 😉

The Death Cafe I went to was like a ‘tester’ so they could see how to run it, and how people would find the experience.

We were a very mixed group in terms of age, ethnicity, occupation, religious/spiritual beliefs or lack thereof.  I was the only one who works in the field.  It wasn’t a place to teach or debate.  Just a platform to open up.  It was loosely facilitated just to allow us all the space to share our thoughts, fears, and feelings around death. And around life too.  (No discussion around one would be complete without the inclusion of the other).

I was so incredibly inspired by the experience.  Rarely do I get the opportunity, outside of the safety of a closed session with me, to see people being able to open up and be honest and just share what they feel about death.  I was witness to a couple of huge realisations that people had very simply because they had the freedom to just say out loud, and then question, the things they think and feel.

The comments after by all involved were very positive – everyone had found it an open and relaxed environment and had all got a lot out of it.  I expect I’ll see most, if not all, of them there again.

How does something like the Death Cafe impact grief?

The topic of death awareness is so close to my heart…but my first thought is around grieving and the difference this type of thing could make to how you grieve and how you heal when you’ve lost a parent or someone you love.

I’m not sure I can begin to put into words the difference greater awareness and honesty around death would make to people’s grief.

One cafe attendee identified that after the death of a parent they had experienced all sorts of emotions that they weren’t supposed to have. Now in my work I know that these feelings e.g. relief, are common to absolutely everybody….but never get talked about.  They are not discussed openly and therefore become taboo and something you keep to yourself and feel guilty about.  A greater level of honesty and openness in society would dramatically change how grief is experienced and understood.

What if you aren’t grieving?

If you want to live a full life you need to understand how precious it is. If you want to understand how precious it is you need to acknowledge that you will die…and that you probably don’t know when.  That isn’t morbid, it’s realistic.  There is a freedom, and an urgency, and a love of life that comes from really looking at death.  Personally I don’t think I have ever been so life aware as I am now that I am so death aware.  I have learnt, through my work, that the study of death is the study of life.  To be terrified of dying is also to be terrified of living.

I was there because I wanted to talk about death. An even bigger reason to go is because you want to talk about life…because that is really what is going on there.

I will be there next time. And I’ll keep you posted on the dates so you can come along too if you’d like to.  And if you can’t think of any other reason to be there….the food was awesome. 🙂

Hope to see you there.

Kristie

xx

You can check out the Death Cafe website here.

Tagged as: death cafe, death cafe London Uk