Loneliness in grief
People say grief is lonely.
It certainly can be.
If you isolate yourself, or focus on the people who aren’t ‘there for you’ instead of those who are, then you might feel lonely.
If you expect others to understand exactly how you feel or to feel exactly the same…which they can’t, even those experiencing the same death (simply because you are different people)…then you might feel lonely.
But I’m talking about a different kind of lonely. Or rather a different reason for feeling lonely. I’m talking the kind of lonely you feel when you want to heal your grief totally, completely, permanently. When you look forward to feeling good, happy, fulfilled again. When you believe that is absolutely possible. And you feel like the only one who does.
Recently on a Facebook business mastermind group I am part of I asked a question. It was around the packages that I offer to the clients I work with. I was having trouble working out a couple of details and thought I would ask in a space with a lot of other coaches who may offer some good ideas and insights. As part of my post, for context, I explained what I did – that I help people heal completely from grief after a death.
Not long after I’d posted I received a reply. But rather than offer any ideas the person explained to me that it was actually impossible to do what I said I did. Never mind that I have healed completely myself. Never mind that I’ve been doing this work for several years and have seen such amazing results from clients. It is not just some nice new idea I was throwing out there to see if it might land. She proceeded to school me on all the reasons why this was impossible, telling me how talking about healing from grief would set off people’s ‘bullshit alarm’.
My heart sank. To be honest I should be used to it. I shouldn’t have been surprised. But just for a second I had forgotten. I’d forgotten that most people don’t people in healing from grief and think the idea to be preposterous/wrong/a lie/impossible.
And for a second I felt very alone and very misunderstood.
And, to be very honest, a bit sorry for myself. (Woe is me.)
But then I took a deep breath, grounded myself, remembered that I know what I know and have experienced what I have experienced, and that it doesn’t matter what other people believe or not. I have healed completely and permanently. I have helped many others do the same. That may well set off people’s ‘bullshit alarm’ but, as I know very well, that doesn’t mean it is bullshit.
But then I thought of you.
See, I have the benefit of my own healing behind me, lots of great client work, a few people I know working in the death field who have also healed and help others heal who I can talk to. A lot of people misunderstand me….but there are also many around me who totally get it. And of course, the most important part, I know it – right to my very core – to be true, because of my own experiences. So when people tell me healing is impossible it doesn’t phase me too much anymore because I know that simply isn’t true.
But you might not have that. You might not have many people….or maybe anyone at all….around you who believe true healing from grief is possible. And even though you believe it, or really want to believe it, if you’re in pain right now it can be very hard to imagine what it’s like or even accept it is possible when you haven’t yet experienced it. It can be hard to imagine a destination that you’ve never been to and so is so radically different from where you are now.
I totally get that.
So then, when someone hits you with the ‘reality’ that you can’t ever heal, and all the explanations why -perhaps in what seems like a very rational, educated, scientific, experienced, knowledgeable manner – well then it may just be a whole lot tougher for you than it was for me to hold on to the belief that true healing can happen. And that you can and will get there.
So listen hard for a second. But not just to me.
Listen to yourself.
Trust that part of you that knows it must be possible. The part of you that whispered to you to go looking for some info about healing (that’s how so many find their way on to my site). Trust that intuition within you that had you thinking about the possibility of real healing, even when you may not have found many examples of it, or had most people telling you it can’t be done because they haven’t done it.
You are right. It can happen and it will happen, if that is what you truly want. It doesn’t matter what anyone who hasn’t had that experience tells you about it.
YOUR beliefs about grief are what matter most
I’ve said it a thousand times before….your beliefs are crucial. What you believe about grief and what is possible for you will absolutely shape your path. They will steer and send you in whatever direction you will take, whether that is complete healing, complete living-with-grief, or complete living-in-grief-for-good. Your beliefs are what create your reality and what determines what actions you will…and won’t…take.
A belief that healing from grief is impossible is the simple barrier that absolutely ensures someone won’t heal. When people tell me “I’ll never get over this” I know that unless they change their mind about that then they are right, they never will.
But that’s not you.
So hold tight to your belief that you can heal completely, permanently, beautifully and go on to lead an amazing life, remembering the people you love who have died at any time in any way you like without it hurting you in any way anymore.
Hold tight to it….even if it someones feels like you are the only one who thinks that. (You aren’t!)
Because it doesn’t matter what other people believe. It only matters what you believe.