Previous post:

Your greatest barrier to healing from your grief….(and it is great news)

Your greatest barrier to healing from your grief….

Is not the amount of pain you’re in.

Is not how recently or how long ago it happened.

Is not how how they died or how old they were.

Is not the amount of love you have for them or your relationship to them.

Is most certainly not whatever stage (note: there are NO stages) you’ve been told you’re in.

It is not even that you don’t have the knowledge or know-how how to actually get to healing.  It’s a barrier, yes of course. But it is not the biggest barrier.

Your greatest barrier to healing from your grief….is you.

More specifically….your own resistance.

The part of you that automatically starts giving the reasons why you aren’t healed, why you can’t heal, maybe why nobody can heal.

The part of you that wants to offer justifications as to why the list above does actually count…why those things are the reason you haven’t and can’t heal.

The part of you that wants to argue, even just a little bit, for your pain, your suffering, your never-ending grief.

The part of you that may have made grief your identity, or an excuse. The part of you that (misguidedly) believes you need the grief to love them, remember them, connect to them, honour them.

This part of you doesn’t want to be without the grief. 

Admit it, part of you doesn’t actually want to give up the grief. It’s empowering to admit it…because once you’re aware of it…..only now can you do something about it. (Hey I may be wrong and you have no reasons whatsoever to want to hang on to your grief, and you 100% want it gone.  That would make you the second person I’ve met in years of doing this work. And no, the first most certainly wasn’t me. I had to work through my barriers, as do most in the work).

The circumstances around this death are not responsible for keeping you where you are. You are. The part of you that wants to stay here. The part of you that believes you must stay here.

But this is very good news

I’m serious.  Because if your ability to heal or not was determined by the circumstances of their death – who they were, their age, how they died, etc (that is all the things you cannot change) then you are powerless.  Because you cannot change your husband’s death from cancer at 70, your mother’s death in a car accident at 45, your child’s death before they were even born, your brother’s death from suicide.

But you can change your own beliefs, your barriers, the meaning you gives things, your understanding and experience.  All of this is fluid. Here is where your suffering lies…and here is where your power to heal completely lies.

This isn’t about fault.  I’m not blaming you for where you are. You did what most of us do…which is quite simply what society, our families, our religions, our unaware therapists taught you to do.  But enough.  It’s time to quit fighting for your powerlessness and your pain and your grief. Don’t fight for your barriers and beliefs. 

But do listen to them. They will tell you what beliefs and fears hold you in place.

One of the best exercises you can do is to identify and turn around these beliefs and fears. This is so crucial I spend a great deal of time in the process I take my clients through working through this.

Take out some paper. Firstly, admit to yourself that, even just a little bit, you don’t want to give up your grief completely. Then write down why. What do you think you’ll lose without it? What does it mean about you if it’s gone? Why do you need it? Write down everything that comes to you. Then take the time to examine and question everything on that list, ask if it’s really true and what might be truer or better than this assumption. (I’m yet to come up against one that didn’t crumble when held up to light and logic).

These are your barriers to healing…and also your gatekeepers to healing.  Shift them…and watch and see where you are able to go without them.