Father’s Day when you’ve lost your dad

It is father’s day in the UK today.

I have written a lot before on how to handle father’s day if your father has died, as well as posts on other special days and anniversaries, so I won’t cover that here.  But I think it is important firstly to actually remember what this day is really for…

Father’s day is a day to honour your dad for the role he has played in your life – and you can do this whether he is alive or not. It’s not living-father’s day. It’s all-father’s day.

Happy father’s day to my dad – Ian West – for his life and for his death, and for (through both of these) giving me some of the biggest gifts and most valuable lessons I have ever received.
I  wouldn’t change a thing.

Kristie

xx

Recognise anyone?

First online Death Cafe!

This wasn’t our actual Death Cafe. Barack Obama wasn’t there, this is just what a google hangout looks like…but wouldn’t that be cool.

A couple of nights ago I held my first online Death Cafe.  To the best of my knowledge it was the second one ever held online (the first having been run from LA 2 days earlier).

God I love our digital world.

There were 8 to begin (we lost 2 along the way – to internet issues, not death) and in terms of our physical  locations we were to be found in London, Oxford, Portugal, California, Arizona, and Tauranga.  Google hangouts brought us all face-to-face on the computer screen.

Everyone had a drink (compulsory – you wouldn’t sit in a cafe without a drink, would you?) with the option of cake.  I seemed to be the only one who had something cakeish – some cookies I had baked earlier in the day (it was my first time baking in about 20 years so I was quite proud…though the cookies were horrendous.  I ate them anyway.)

Once we had gotten through the initial teething problems of using google hangouts for the first time, we introduced ourselves and everyone seemed to be quite comfortable with each other very quickly.  Death is, after all, the greatest leveller.

As always the topic was death.  And life.  One can’t really (and shouldn’t) be discussed without the other as the two go hand-in-hand.

The conversation goes wherever it wants to in a Death Cafe….and at this one the Death Cafe movement itself was discussed as there were some attendees who were looking to run their own – how to run them, the importance of them, how to tell people about them.  We also spent some time talking about why some people act offended by the idea of Death Cafes and actually around death itself.

Among other death-related topics, we chatted about funeral plans (our own) or lack thereof and how different members of the group has used deaths in their lives, religious thinking around death, and things we might want to get done if we knew it was our last year of life.

The one and a half hour get-together went so fast.  Too fast.  And I really would have loved to chat with the group for hours.  But for some of us it was bedtime, some lunch time, and for others it was time to tend to the kids who had just gotten up for school.

It was so amazing to bring together a group from all around the globe, from their bedrooms/living rooms/ studies, to all meet and chat about death in a relaxed way.

The feedback was brilliant and I will shortly (in the next couple of weeks) be starting up regular online Death Cafes on different days and at different times, to allow for as many people as possible to attend from wherever they are in the world, no matter what their time zone or routine, from the comfort of their homes.

If you are interested in attending or want to know a bit more then get in touch!! kristie@kristiewest.com

Much love,

Kristie

xx

 A book that will change lives…….

Being around  death as much as I am is a gift….. for so many reasons.

One is that I get to contemplate my own death…..whenever that may come, not take for granted that I have forever, and do the stuff that really matters to me.

Many times this year I have thought ‘if this were my last year, what would I want to have done by the end of it?  What really matters to me?’

It seems very fashionable now to have ‘bucket lists’ or lists of 101 things to do/beaches to visit/dishes to eat/cats to photograph/ blogs to troll, etc, etc and while these are certainly valuable to make  (except for the trolling blogs bit) I think they often miss the point.  I mean sure, sky-diving, learning French, or seeing the pyramids are all wonderful things to do…but are you really going to reflect back on your life on your deathbed and be upset that you never jumped out of a plane?  (If your answer is ‘actually, yes Kristie I really would be’ then may I suggest that it is time to start planning to do this if it really is that important to you).

In my experience…and naturally this won’t apply to everyone…it is the smaller things that we might wish we had done.  Like telling those we love that we love them, how much we love them, and why we love them.  Like having the courage to live true to ourselves.  Like not being afraid to share what we really want to share with the world with less concern for judgement.

In fact, as I write this it makes me think of this gorgeous article about the real regrets of the dying (and I didn’t see skydiving on that list).

So when I contemplate what I would really want to have done this year, if it just happened to be my last, it’s actually kinda simple and comes down to 5 things.

1. Go some more places (Done…the travel bug in me has gone nuts and I am not in the same place more than a month at the moment.  Writing this from Portugal)
2. Share my love for the people who matter to me. (July will be a ’30 days of gratitude’ month.  Watch this space – I’ll be inviting you to join me on this.  This’ll be fun)
3. Put together a detailed funeral plan for myself (I’ll share this with you too as I go)
4. Train someone up to use my process (I have just the lady lined up – she has been lined up for years – and it’s on track to happen)
5.  and….write my book….

Yes the book that I have written twice before (to 3rd draft level each time)…and then stopped.  I won’t go into the reasons why – that doesn’t help me write the book and it doesn’t help you read the book.

This time I am not going to let that happen again.

I know firsthand how different your experience of death can be. I know what is like to be in agonising pain, dull numbness, and everything in between over a death.  I know what it feels like to think about someone less and less because it hurts too much to do it. I  know that dull awful emptiness……and I also know that this can change and heal completely  so you can think about them, talk about them, and love them, without it hurting you at all.  

I know what it is like to transform pain and loss to gratitude, a greater connection to them, inspiration, empowerment and freedom from pain.  And I know exactly what steps to take to get others there too. (It takes certain steps. Time sure as heck won’t do it.  Nor will sheer willpower).

Of course I do my coaching with those who want to work with me – and I probably always will – but putting my knowledge and my process in a book will be the easiest way for me to get this stuff out to you – and to a lot of others – so you can start to positively change your experience too, instead of just coping with pain and loss and slowly putting the person you love further and further out of your mind.

I have made promises to myself before about writing my book…and broken some of them.  So this time I promise YOU and anyone else reading this (I will be emailing it to close to 400 people  and putting it on this blog- that’s a lot of promises) that by July 4th – my 35th birthday – the first draft will be done.  And by this time next week I will have started sharing some of my writing from the book-to-be in blogs.

The quicker I get this done the quicker you and others will have more access to a completely different and empowering way of experiencing and understanding death in your life.

Feel free to check in on me if you want, or to give me some encouragement, or give me a kick in the butt if you feel I need it. But I will keep this promise.  Even if I slack off and find myself sitting up from the 1st to 4th July plugged into a caffeine drip to get it done.  Hopefully it won’t come to that…but if it does it does.

Right, off to write a (new) book plan!

Much love,

Kristie

xx

The day I saw the first article about Angelina Jolie’s double mastectomy I have to admit I thought it was some tabloid nonsense.  Then I googled ‘Angelina’ and up came dozens of articles about it.

Now I’m not going to make any comment on what she should or shouldn’t do.  Frankly it’s her body and she gets to do what she wants with it.  We all do.  Well, within reason of course.  There is no right or wrong choice here.  But it is shocking and certainly a very extreme decision to make.

My comment is about what really struck me about this – fear.   You have to have a serious fear of dying to take such drastic action.  Yup, I know that she was told by doctors that she  has a massive risk of breast cancer because of a ‘faulty’ gene.  Different research says different things about how high and realistic her risk actually was.  But either way, it was a preventative action.  I haven’t read any mentions of lumps, bumps, cancer scares.  Just tests and medical advice.  And then fear of death.

It might seem totally normal to be afraid of death, indeed terrified of it, and do anything to avoid it….but just because this is the common feeling doesn’t make it the only way or the best way. The fact that everyone eats McDonalds doesn’t make it any healthier.  And the  fact that fear of death is so common that we don’t even see how afraid everyone is of death….doesn’t make it any better a way to live.

Death has a place in life, as does illness and disease – yup, all of them.  Some of the most beautiful gifts in life come in the ugliest looking boxes.  Life is about trials, tribulations, growth and challenges as well as joy and happiness and other lovely stuff. There is a lot to learn and gain from some of the stuff life throws our way – especially the toughest things.

If someone were to take death avoidance to an extreme then we would all stop driving cars, we would stop seeing our GP (death by medicine being one of the highest causes of death in the US), and we might stop straying too far from home.

In fact if I was to consult your average doctor and buy into all they tell me about genetics (which I absolutely don’t) then I could move in to the hospital now….and have a whole bunch of bits removed, just in case.  Maybe even start taking medication to pre-empt problems that I might be told I am at a high risk of developing because of my (rather extensive and colourful) family health history – like heart disease, stroke, altzheimers, super-duper-high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer – including breast cancer (my mother has had breast cancer..before anyone says I might feel differently if it had happened in my own family)…and that’s just for starters.

This of course would be a preventative measure as I don’t have any of these things yet. I might get some of them.  All of them.  None of them.  I have to wonder whether taking these preventative measures would see me  heralded as ‘courageous’ and ‘brave’ as Angelina has been…for making what seems to be a very fear-based decision.

I prefer to trust in the thing I believe to the very core of my being – there is purpose, meaning and beauty to everything that happens in our lives.  All that comes to us is a gift – perhaps yet to be unwrapped and seen for it’s true beauty – but a gift nonetheless.  And to deny death is to deny life.  It has a point.  It has a place.  And when it comes to you, in whatever way it shows up, there will be gifts and lessons that come with it.  For you and all around you.

So for now I’ll be staying off the meds, and keeping my boobs and other body parts intact.  And making the most of each day instead, with the understanding that each day is a gift and we are not promised the next.  No matter what we try and do to safeguard against death.

Kristie

xx

 The power of your breath.  Seriously…it’s powerful.

This is a bit of  cliche statement.  And the problem with a cliche statement like this is that a lot of people ‘get’ it, but they’ve heard it so often and take it so for granted…that they say it…but don’t bother to do it.

So here I go again…saying it.  Working with your breath is one of the most powerful and quickest ways to calm you you and bring you back to your centre…which is a pretty nifty trick to be able to do.  This is so relevant to everyone, unless of course you have zero stress in your life.  Whether deaing with a death, other big traumas, or just in everyday life, your breath can do so much more for you than you realise.

I’m  writing to you about this because I was reminded of it a few nights ago when I flew back into London.

I am not an awesome flyer.  Years ago I was.  Totally oblivious of where I was and the space beneath me, I would happily read and eat and sleep and watch movies without a care in the world.  Until one flight, also coming back to London, when we hit an air pocket and for about 2 seconds the plane just ….dropped.  Now to put it in perspective – that can be a scary experience for a lot of people.  But for me it was awful because that feeling of my stomach in my throat is horrible for me.  This is the reason I have never made it onto an adult rollercoaster. Riding the horsey on the carousel is my idea of excitement. I am no adrenaline junkie.  So when the plane dropped it freaked the living you-know-what outta me.  It also made me aware of where I was (in the air) and what was beneath me (nothing).  And I haven’t managed to forget.

And since that day I have been fine flying…except when there is any turbulence…..in which case I am a nervous wreck.   I grip the armrest like my life depends on it.  And, if it’s bad enough, I have been known to inadvertently grab the person next to me.  I also once had a small boy next to me reach over and take my hand when he saw how nervous I was.  Sweet…but a bit embarrassing.

So….on my flight the other night we hit some bumps in the road.  I have several strategies for dealing with this:

1. Drink.  If I know it’s going to be a bad flight, a few drinks at altitude sort me out. Though the mid-flight hangover makes me wonder if it’s worth it.

2.  Distract myself with a book or a movie.  This works too – I put the book very close to my face or turn the movie up loud and move my face very close to the screen for total sense-focus.  This only works so far for me though.  And then there is number…

3.  This is the only one I use now, the one that works instantly and is the most effective.

I close my eyes to disconnect with the world outside.  I breathe deeply and slowly into my belly, instead of just to my chest. And I force my body to relax.  Or really I allow my body to relax, letting my shoulders, my arms, etc, release the tension they are holding with each breathe.  Straight away when I do this I become aware of how shallow my breath had been and how my shoulders are rigid and up around my ears.

I do this and it calms me in about 2 seconds.  And if I keep doing it I stay calm.

I’m sure there is lots of science around the importance of oxygen and the effect on the body of getting enough of it right through the body…but I don’t care about that.  All I care about is that at a moment of severe stress and fear…it works.  It works better than distraction and it works waaaaay better than alcohol.

Try it – when you’re stressed, when you’re upset, when you’re frightened, when you’re angry, when you are overwhelmed.

You don’t need any fancy methods or techniques – your body knows what to do.  Just do what I did. Close your eyes and breathe deep and slow into your belly while focusing on the breath.  And see what happens.

Your breath.  Something you have available to you at any time…..and more powerful than you may have realised.

It can seem too simple and easy…but often things are and it is just us that expects the answers to be complicated, and outside of us, and involve a prescription from our doctor.  Your body has been equipped with all the tools it needs. You just have to use them.

Much love,

Kristie

xx

 Why life is like literature

How do you see life?

I see life like literature.  Every piece is a beautiful piece of expression – no matter the length.

When we read a stunning quote we don’t say ‘well, where’s the rest of it?’ or ‘ this should have been a book, where are the other pages?  This is such a waste!’  When we read a beautifully crafted poem that brings us to tears we don’t think ‘this would have been a wonderful 5-volume set. There should be more.   It’s so sad the writer just stopped like this’.

But we do this with life. We see a life shorter than we might have thought it ‘should’ be and we describe it’s end as wrong, as wasteful….as if it wasn’t beautiful enough as it was.  As if it ought to have been more.  But, you see, it wasn’t more.  It was exactly what it was, no more, no less, and deserves to be seen as beautiful as it was…whatever that looked like.

We call anything but death by old age ‘unnatural’.  Unnatural in what way?  Did the cave-babies not die?  Did the young cave men and women not fight, not have accidents, not die of anything other than old age?  Not die young?

What about in  nature then?  Do animal babies not die?  Do animals not kill each other? Are there not accidents, illness, disease?  Do all animals die long after their offspring and all the way into ‘old-age’?

This idea of a young death, an accidental death, a death by disease as unnatural separates us from reality and sets us up to suffer AND to miss the beauty in the life as it was of our person who died.

Some lives are 5 volume sets ( extraordinarily long).

Some lives are  novels.

Some lives are short poems.

And some lives are brief quotes. Brief but poignant.

And all are beautiful and complete just as they were.

With much love,

Kristie

xx

An attitude of gratitude

I bet it’s not the first time you’ve heard someone talk about the power of gratitude and the importance of having gratitude for our lives and the people and events in them.  Taking a few moments a day to take stock of what you have to be grateful for is one of the most powerful practices I know of.

But you don’t often hear about it around death…

 Why not?

We typically grow up being very conditioned to know death as only bad and sad and to even find the idea of ‘gratitude’ around death absolutely abhorrent.

But…when you can feel grateful for elements of someone’s death, it makes their death (and their life, which their death is a part of) more meaningful.  It makes their death less painful for you….and therefore they are easier to think about, easier to talk about, easier to love.  It means you get to see how even in their death did they contribute greatly to the lives of those who matter to them and to the world.  And it means their legacy is so much bigger than just people they love left in pain.

In fact, take the practice of gratitude around a death to its extreme so you feel grateful for every  element of their death and I can’t even begin to explain how this changes their memory and their legacy.  And how this changes your life.

That might sound impossible but it is absolutely possible.  It takes a different path, a commitment to look, and a desire for something different than this.

Just because it’s more difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible. In fact it makes it all the more important to do.

The first thing to do is just simply start.  What little (or big) thing can you be grateful for today around a death in your life?

Who did it bring you closer to?

Who did it bring into your life?

What did it make you learn?

What changes for the better did it bring about in your life?

What new direction did it send you on?

And with each thing you find, whether that is 1 thing or 50 things right now, that is something you can thank your person who died for. This is a gift that their death brought and they deserve to be honoured for it.  You can take this as a gift in a spiritual or religious sense…or just as an unintentional gift.

I can thank my dad for a closer relationship with my mum, a closer relationship with my brother, and being driven towards work I love.  And that’s just to start with…..

What gift can you say thank you for today to your person who died?

Feel free to write it below!

Much love,

Kristie

xx

Well here is something new – I meant to write a blog…and the Guardian bet me to it!

The article in question (here it is if you want to read it) talks about all the outrage around the celebrations of Maggie Thatcher’s death.
It states: “This demand for respectful silence in the wake of a public figure’s death is not just misguided but dangerous. That one should not speak ill of the dead is arguably appropriate when a private person dies, but it is wildly inappropriate for the death of a controversial public figure, particularly one who wielded significant influence and political power.”

I absolutely agree but I take that further and say that is misguided not just for public figures, but for ANYONE.

How Western Society deals with death is generally not great. Not even close to great. We have been highly conditioned around what we are meant to do and feel and every day I work with the repercussions of this.
Just now I have written back to a woman who wrote to me around a death in her life to check that she is not a ‘heartless freak’ – her words. I get emails like this almost every day now

Why? Because of two things that I can see clearly going on in this whole Maggie debacle.

One: because we have been taught that is not ok to feel everything around death even though any and all emotions can go on all the way across the spectrum. We have learnt it is appropriate only to feel sadness and regret around death…and that anything else is wrong and disrespectful. This is absurd and damaging. Because there are ALWAYS other feelings going on in there and the guilt and fear people go through about these ‘inappropriate’ emotions end up causing so much pain and stress and getting lumped in with ‘grief’ and often never dealt with.

Two: this whole ridiculous idea of not speaking ill of the dead. Do you want to be remembered as you really are? (the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly) or would you prefer people block out memories of you they see as negative (which are parts of you that are being blocked out here) to invent a new angelic looking version of you that they can think on for years to come – a person who actually has little to do with you at all sometimes. We all want to be loved as we are – and part of this is that the bad bits are seen, and not hidden. You are seen by the world as good and bad. You are seen by those who love you best and know your secrets as good and bad. The idea of not speaking ill of the dead does nothing but suggest some of you deserves to be blocked out – that some stuff about you is not worthy of love. Which is seriously off.
I want to be remembered as I am – and if some of that stuff is seen as ‘ill’ or hate worthy then so be it…because that is me too.

If we got rid of these misguided ideas about what is ‘respectful’ and were allowed to be totally honest around all of our feelings around death and everything we know and think about those who have died….it would change people’s experience of death more than I can put into words. I would be halfway out of a job.

EVERY emotion is ok to feel around a death – whether you feel the saddest you ever have…or the happiest you ever have.
Speak TRUTHFULLY of the dead – respect them enough to do that – and if you’re truth is ‘ill’ then so be it.

So, by all means, if you think it’s fab that Maggie died and you want to shout it from the rooftops…then go for gold. Or if you want to curl up in a ball and break down….then go for it. I don’t have an opinion either way (I’m not even vaguely political – my dad would turn in his grave to call me a dummy) but I totally support your right to do either. Or both.

Kristie

xx

Couldn’t attend the funeral? The funeral didn’t go well or happened too quickly?  Didn’t get to say what you wanted?

Well….do it again then.

Yup, do it again.

People have told me, years and years after a death, about still feeling ripped off that they were unable to attend the funeral and say goodbye. (Side note: I’m not a believer in the need for ‘goodbye’.  You’ve gotta feel disconnected from someone to need to do that.  I don’t feel at all disconnected from those in my life who have died…..hence no need for ‘goodbye’.)

People have told me about a less-than-perfect funeral – whether it was the venue, how quick the funeral happened, fights within the family – that are bad memories to them and have muddied the memory of their person who died.

People tell me about not having taken the chance to say what they wanted to say or not having known what they wanted to say at the time…and regretting it.

Death and the rituals and ceremonies around death are not the exclusive domain of those with the ‘right’ title and the ‘right’ training. Death is a part of life, normal life, your life.  If you aren’t happy with the way the funeral went for you….then do it again the way you wanted.

Let’s think about honeymoons for a minute. I know it might seem weird to compare a honeymoon to a funeral, but sometimes we have to step away from the idea of death to get a little more practical about it.  So…honeymoons.   What happens if a couple miss their honeymoon, or it doesn’t happen how they want it,  or they can’t afford it at the time, or they want to celebrate it all over again years later?  Have they missed their one and only chance to have a honeymoon and will never, ever, ever be able to make up for it?

Nope.

They have a honeymoon later, when the baby is a bit older.  Or when they’ve saved the money up.  Or they have a second honeymoon.  They aren’t confined by ideas that it must happen immediately or not at all, and then that’s the end of it.

It’s the same with funerals. There is nothing – aside from the fact that it just doesn’t occur to most of us that we can do this – to stop you repeating the ceremony at a later date (no matter how much later that is) and doing it how you want it.

Now that might sound complicated or expensive – but there is no reason for it to be either.  Funerals feel complicated and can certainly be pricey.  But why can’t you get a group of friends/family members together in a park, at the beach, or somewhere else you like and create your own ceremony. That doesn’t have to cost a thing.

You could involve a professional too – you can hire a funeral celebrant any time you like. This is the person who conducts the ceremony, works with you on what you might like to say and helps you to plan.  Sure they are hired for the funeral (usually hired by the funeral director, if you aren’t having a priest of some kind) but you can hire one whenever you like.  If that sounds expensive, know that of the thousands of pounds that you can spend on a funeral only a tiny part of that goes to the celebrant/priest.  Most celebrants charge between £150 to £350 and travel expenses, and most that I know work closer to the lower price end (though they should be at the higher!). That’s the total – for all the planning they do with you getting it just how you want it, and then the ceremony.

A friend of mine has a business I love – it’s a simple cremation service. She organises the cremation of a body and then a family can do the funeral afterwards whenever they want, where ever they want, and however they want. (It’s Poppy’s Funerals if you want to check her out).  I love this way of thinking about it – take out the formality and what look like ‘rules’. No cookie-cutter ceremonies with a name slotted in.  Exactly what you want, how you want, when you want. And potentially a lot less expensive.

You might be thinking ‘but it isn’t the same without a body’.  Isn’t it?  Really?  The body at a funeral is more a representation of them than anything else.  You could have a framed photo of them as your central point for your own ceremony. Or something that belonged to them.

So……. it doesn’t matter how many years have passed, where in the world you are, or how many people are involved (it might just be you).  You can redo a funeral/memorial ceremony any time you like, either on your own or with (very inexpensive but amazing) professional help.

If you feel that you missed out on something in some way around the funeral, if you have regrets, then do it again, in whatever way will work for you.

With much love,

Kristie

xx

PS if you’re in the UK I know some absolutely wonderful celebrants and could happily recommend them or ask around for a good one in your area if you need. Just get in touch.

PPS I love hearing from you so feel free to post your thoughts/comments below!

If you are haunted by bad memories about pain that your person who died was in and you wish it could have been different …..then this blog is for you.

This is a conversation I find myself having quite a lot…so I thought it was time to write about it.

Memories of the pain they were in can sometimes be one of the worst things after someone you love has died: the pain they went through, whether it was short-term or long-term physical pain, inability to look after themselves, weakness, vulnerability.  This stuff can be tough to remember…and tough to forget.

So let’s look at this a different way (because if you’ve followed me a while you’ll know there is always a different way).

The thing is that we only wish away and are haunted by pain that we see as pointless.  And with pain leading up to a death we usually see no point in it at all.

This whole wishing-they-hadn’t-been-in-pain stuff……it isn’t universal.  If we do see a point to pain we feel totally different about it.  Does that sentence make no sense to you whatsoever?  Okay…let’s step away from death for a minute…and think about childbirth.  Now I haven’t been through this myself…but I have been led to believe, by my many friends who have (and my mum), that it can be less than physically pleasant.   Yes I know that is a ridiculous euphemism.  I’m told that it can be, and often is, the most physically painful experience of a mother’s life.

BUT when was the last time someone you love told you they were pregnant and you gasped and apologised to them for what they would soon be going through?  When was the last time you visited someone you love with a newborn and your eyes filled with tears as you held the baby – a reminder of the physical agony your friend/family member recently went through, and wondered how you could ever get those awful images out of your mind?

Nope, of course you haven’t…because you see the point of that pain and it pales to insignificance when compared to what it brings.  When we see the point of pain we are ok with it.  Yes a friend or family member may go through whatever childbirth may entail and we may feel for them…but ultimately we see that as a part of the process of having a baby and, more often that not, we are filled with congratulations and joy over their situation.

So if you are thinking now “well that make sense for birth….but not death” then read on….

Just like the way that the pain of birth delivers something …so too does the pain around death.

Pain draws others closer.

Pain deepens relationships.

Pain creates space for important conversations.

The right type of pain i.e. serious suffering, can bring people back together.

Pain attracts the type of care and attention they might need.

Pain makes it clear to them and those around them what is happening and can allow them (and you) to prepare.

Pain allows them to be vulnerable in a way they may have never experienced before…which can seem absolutely yuck…but this is often the time people get the chance to have the things about them they have hidden their whole lives (often things like weakness and  vulnerability) shown to the world. Again this can sound yuck but this is when they get to learn that even with their worst bits out on show they are still loved.  Perhaps loved even more.  And that is a beautiful lesson to learn.

Pain can knock out everything unimportant and frivolous that we busy ourselves with…and focus us in on what really matters.

Pain can teach people to listen to, trust, and care for their bodies.

Pain can bring the support and care that someone may be reluctant or resistant to ask for or allow.

Would you really take any/all of that away from them?

When you see enough point to the pain (and if you can’t that’s only because you haven’t yet seen it, not because it isn’t there) you feel very differently about it.

Explore the pain around their death.  Ask yourself what it gave them, how it helped them, what gifts came from their pain. Answer this enough times and you will feel a shift in how it looks and feels to you. And if you are still thinking “nope, no point to this” and haven’t even looked – your belief that there shouldn’t or couldn’t be any good to it will likely be blocking you.  Know this: when you see meaning in their pain it changes the way you feel about their death and their experience leading up to their death.  This changes how you feel when you think about them, it changes how easily you are able to remember them, and it changes their legacy…because you being haunted by memories of them and wishing to forget these memories of them is part of their legacy.

So explore this….both for you and for them.

And if you are now thinking “yes I see a point now….but I still wish they hadn’t been through that and they didn’t want to go through that” then consider this: if I had the power (I don’t of course but work with me here) to help you pick your death now, what would you choose? Here are your three options:

1.  You will have a painless death. You’ll go to sleep and never wake-up and not suffer one little bit.

2.  You will suffer moderate pain.  This will give you an awareness of what is happening and that ‘your time is near’.  It will give you a chance to have some important conversations and to spend a bit more time with those you love.

3. You will go through excruciating pain.  And this pain will bring you to the basics of what is really important to you – you’ll have no time or energy for all the other fluff. Some of your relationships will be opened and deepened in ways they never have been before.  Damaged relationships may be mended in this time and you may even bring your loved ones together in a way that you couldn’t achieve any other way.  Your pain may force you to share the parts of you with the world that you have been hiding out of fear that you will not be loved…and you will get to learn how truly loved you are. And a condition of choosing this option is that you won’t remember picking it when it happens and will likely wish the pain away.

Which would you choose?  Because I know which I would.  Some physical pain would be a small price to pay for all it could bring.

All pain has a point…it is only a matter of finding it.

As always I love hearing from you so feel free to comment below with your thoughts or email me directly if you prefer – kristie@kristiewest.com

With much love,

Kristie

xx

P.S.  If you are struggling, and need a little bit of help and support right now…then I have designed this gentle little course  just for you.