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Creating a plan to love yourself more when you travelling through GRIEF – why and how to do it.

 Creating a plan to love yourself more when you are travelling through GRIEF – why and how to do it

About 2 weeks ago I promised to follow my blog  do you love yourself enough to move past your pain with a blog about creating a ‘love-yourself plan’.

Loving yourself more is something….and let’s be honest here….most of us, if not all, would benefit greatly from.  This isn’t just some airy-fairy, tree-hugging, pot-smoking hippy thing to do.  (Apologies if you are an airy-fairy, tree-hugging, pot-smoking hippy.  No offence intended. ;))  Even if you don’t immediately identify the need for it, you lose nothing and potentially gain everything by stopping to work out how to treat yourself better, love yourself more, and support yourself more successfully. After all, if you want to be there for others, or work, or look after your own kids, especially after a death, you need to look after yourself first.  Because you can’t give what you don’t have.  So the more you give to yourself the more you are able to give to others.

My confession….

………I have only written one blog since then and not the one I promised.  Why?  Because life has been busy teaching me the most important part of the ‘love yourself’ plan’. And it wasn’t as easy lesson….but then the best ones never are, are they?  Well, I’m back now…and ready to write it. 🙂

In terms of years, 2011 was one of my greatest teachers. Translation: it was a very tough year.  And one of the most valuable things I learnt was that there is no part of life – no hurt, no stress or worry, no drama, no trauma, crisis or loss – that isn’t made quite a bit harder by not loving yourself enough.  And there is no part of your life that isn’t made a whole lot easier by loving yourself more.

And dealing with the loss of a parent or someone else you love is no exception.  Several times with clients we have reached the point where we realised the pain we are looking at is no longer about the person they’ve lost….and instead is about them – how they feel about themselves, their guilt, their fear of moving forward, their uncertainty about who they are and how they will cope without the person they’ve lost, etc.  And the first step (often the whole answer) here is loving yourself more.

What good is a plan to love yourself more?

‘Loving yourself’ has become such a clichéd term, a conversation we all engage in in some form from time to time….but very few actually think about what this really means….and truly do it.

I’ve realised in the past 2 weeks that the most important aspect of loving yourself, the most important step in this process, and the best sign that you do…is all the same thing – trusting yourself.  When you truly trust yourself – your own wisdom; your ability to know what is right for you even if it sounds nuts to everyone else, including your wisest mentors; decision-making based on your inner voice rather than the voices of those around you – now that is self-love.

So the very first step in creating your love plan is trusting yourself to know that you, and only you, know what should be in the plan.

The beauty of a love plan is two-fold.  Firstly the more you support yourself fully the more you can look to the future, the more you think you deserve something more than this, and the more likely you are to take the steps to move beyond your pain.  And also, energetically, you let the universe know that you know you are worth something. Don’t expect the universe/god/life (whatever else you might like to refer to) to support and help you when you constantly prove that you aren’t even worth your own time, love, and energy.

So what does a plan to love yourself more look like?

A ‘love yourself’ plan is a very short list of the day-to-day things you do for you.  This plan does not include the emails you need to reply to, the groceries you need to buy, the work you need to do, the things you do for others, or the stuff everyone is telling you you ought to do.

Instead of telling you what ‘should’ be on it I’ll give you some ideas. (Some of these are on my own list):

  • Eating better
  • Sleeping enough
  • Drinking more water
  • Cutting out (or down) sugar or alcohol
  • One or two very simple affirmations you can say (or use EFT for) such as ‘I deeply and completely love and accept myself’
  • Journalling freely
  • Keeping a dream book – where you focus on what you’d like to create, what you’d like the future to hold for you – whether through words or pictures
  • Meditation of some type or just quiet time
  • Exercise or dance
  • Time in nature
  • Music
  • A phone call to a friend
  • Reading (for me this means a novel. Though I am constantly told which personal development/spiritual/grief and death related books I ‘must’ read, the truth is I don’t love reading them.  I read them for interest but not for joy.  So while I still read them sometimes they are not part of my love plan)
  • Anything else you enjoy.  Only you know what this might be.  It doesn’t matter what I, or your best friend, or Oprah, or Dr Phil tells you will be best for you.  Only you know what will truly nurture your mind, body and soul.  We are all very different.  (Last night I stood in Vauxhall with some friends on the street and we howled at the full moon. Literally howled.  On a busy street. Stone-cold sober.  Now that aint for everyone. 😉  My tree-hugging hippy comment is coming round to hit me in the butt right about now).

Ideally just have 4 or 5 things on the list – it doesn’t have to be long or take a long time to do each day.  This may seem simple.  Indeed it may seem too simple.  And that is part of the beauty of it.  Taking these simple steps can have a profound impact and amazing pay-offs in your life. Just watch.

Feel free to share below anything you have on your own list already, or the list you are creating….or any other thoughts you have around this.  I always love to hear from you.





Laura smith January 10, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Wonderful as always – like the practical steps and liked your moon howl!

Nick Hall January 11, 2012 at 8:38 am

Hey Kristie.
A super post and I love your insights.
And I’d also like to add that it’s great to find time to be totally ‘mindful’ of a small event each day.
That can be anything from closing your eyes and biting into a delicious, juicy nectarine to climbing to the top of a steep hill on a blustery day.
Whatever it may be, totally immerse yourself in that moment. Feel every sensation, every breath, every emotion, every vibration.
Clear all else from your mind and soak it up!
Let it cascade over you and remind you what life has to offer and the endless ways it can be so good. Be in that moment and absorb every ounce of that occasion.

If, on a daily basis, we can remind ourselves to cherish the little things in life, it can quickly shift us from a ‘grey’ state into one of appreciation, gratitude and most importantly….love.

Kristie West January 11, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Well next time you are in London we will give it a go – full moon or no full moon. 😉

Kristie West January 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Thanks Nick. That’s a fab suggestion. It can be added to the list above of things people can do if this particular thing resonates or feels right to them. Hope you’re well.

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