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Lessons about self-love…and learning them the hard way…and what the heck that has to do with GRIEF

 Lessons about self-love…and learning them the hard way…and what the heck that has to do with grief


       Ooo not sure I’ve noticed that sign to the left before……  

How long has that been there?!


If you’ve followed my blog for a while you may have noticed a stark drop in the number of blogs I’ve been posting in the last few months.  That’s because I have been busy learning life’s lessons.  And I seem to enjoy doing that the hard way.  I would like to say that this isn’t the case but (as with most things we say we don’t like but still do all the time) history would suggest that actually this is my favourite way to learn.  I can’t complain though (ok…I can a little bit), learning them the hard way means learning them properly, learning them personally, learning them well.  There is a huge difference between spouting something you learnt in a book or a seminar…and spouting something that you learnt by building it brick by brick in your own life.  And learning the hard way then means you can go on to guide others to learn in an easier way.



So aside from admitting to be something of a masochist…why am I sharing this with you?  Because my latest learnings have been around self-love….and have gotten in the way of my blogging.   Life has thrown some interesting things at me in the last few months and I have felt a little ‘put to the test’ shall we say.  Nothing to worry about…..just like all the deaths in the family a few years back, it wasn’t much fun at the time, but I’ll be damned if I would undo a second of it.  Learning the things I had to learn got me to where I am now and able to do the work I do.  And I wouldn’t undo my learnings now either.  They are simple but pretty darn profound.

….what’s the problem?


But the problem has been that I’m quite a sharer. I tend to be pretty honest about where I am at generally.  I seriously think I’m pretty blackmail proof – sit me down for long enough and I’ll likely tell you all my ‘secrets’.  As I often say if you’d like the dirt on me…just ask me.  And I haven’t felt able to share some of the stuff I was learning that I’d love to share with you…as it didn’t seem relevant to G.R.I.E.F…which has made it difficult when writing my blog.  Normally my blogs wake me in the night, tap me on the shoulder, half write themselves before I even reach the computer. But the stuff that has been doing that to me recently hasn’t seemed like it would be relevant to you…..

Except I have finally realised how totally relevant it is.  Reason for everything and all that.  Yes, sometimes it takes me a while……

I learn more and more from every client I work with and every person I talk to about their GRIEF. And something that has become more and more (and more) obvious to me in the last few months is the not-so-small part that your feelings about yourself play in your GRIEF.  We have been led to believe that GRIEF is all about the person we have lost and our relationship to them…without realising it also has quite a bit to do with our relationship to ourselves.  I have written a couple of blogs around this topic earlier in the year…..but expect more soon because this is a topic that needs a whole bunch more coverage.

As for me…I shall keep learning my lessons the hard way (‘cos that’s how I roll’…apparently) and sharing what I learn that relates to grief here.

So watch this space…..

Till next time,



PS as always I love hearing from you so feel free to comment below.



{ 1 comment }

Jennifer October 2, 2013 at 3:05 pm

Hi Kristie,

My boyfriend’s mother died a week ago today, after a long bout with cancer (which progressed to bad very quickly within the last couple of weeks of her life – requiring hospitalization, blood transfusions, the works – she went from being perks and coherent and still working, to totally incapacitated within a week or so). This was her second fight with it, and she was re-diagnosed last October. In addition to this loss, we also had to put one of our cats to sleep on Saturday (and I had kidney stones last Monday – so three pretty major events in one week).

I’ve become pretty concerned about him, and stumbled across your site (which is amazing – thank you for sharing this with the world!). I was hoping to get your insight or suggestions as to ways I might be able to help – and perhaps some warning signs to keep an eye out for. I get that everyone processes things in their own way – and this is his first real experience with death. He was very close to his mother and is a very emotional person – though he tends to shut down and go internal when things get hard. He’s not a huge communicator. I’m trying to just be patient, supportive, and here when he needs me – and reassure him that his feelings are normal, etc. Since her downturn, he’s turned to self medication (alcohol and marijuana, which is legal here), and masturbation as a way to numb himself and feel something else (respectively).

I’m trying really hard to not worry about things I ordinarily would – and understand that this is part of his process, it’s not permanent and he is doing what he needs to do to get through this. That he will eventually start “dealing with it”, and slowly but surely will begin to live his life again. Should I stick with this mindset, or is this behavior worrisome?

Thanks for any advice you can provide. I’m grieving too, both for his mother, and my companion (cat) – and I hurt for HIM too – I feel numb most of the time, but have returned to work and am trying to focus on the details of life so he doesn’t need to worry about it. I just want to ensure I’m doing the right thing, and being the most supportive partner possible for him.