How do we measure the value of a life?
I’m sitting here tonight writing a short funeral speech. Last week one of my last living great-aunts died, and because it’s kinda become customary for me to speak at family funerals (I love doing it. You know how rare that is!) my mum said “you’ll speak on our behalf, won’t you?”.
And so I sit here writing.
Something has been on my mind lately through my nana’s accident, operation and time in hospital – she’s 96 – and now my aunty’s death – she was almost 91.
For both of them it’s the kind of age where people who don’t even know them say things to me like “oh that’s a good age”, or “they had a good life”. One of these days I will respond, instead of with a smile (the just-nod-and-smile type of smile), with what I really want to ask, which is “what was good about it? What makes you say that?”
This isn’t a suggestion that either have had a bad life…or a good life. Basically I’m not going to give anything away about them right now…but society tends to judge the value of a life simply by it’s length. A complete stranger who couldn’t even tell you my great-aunts name, let alone anything about her, could make a comment about her having had ‘a good innings’, seeing it as good simply for it’s length.
Imagine if we judged everything this way!
“How is that book you’re reading?”
“Well it’s 1321 pages”
“Wow, sounds amazing – I’ll have to borrow it after you!”
The question remains….1321 pages of what?
Size doesn’t matter
I’m not interested in the length of someone’s life. 91 years, 96 years, 39 years, 22 years, 8 years, 1 day. This tells you nothing. It doesn’t tell you if they had a ‘good life’ or not.
I want to know the breadth of their life. I want to know how wide they lived, not how long. How much did they take from life? How much did they love? How true were they to themselves? How true were they to their dreams and what mattered to them?
People can suffer because anything less than 90 or so years is considered not enough or unfair somehow – but this is no way to measure living. It’s time to stop measuring the value and worth of a life by the time it has occupied.
We ought to measure life not by how many years (or days or even minutes) were lived…but by how they were lived.
K
xx
{ 8 comments }
Another brilliant insight. Thank you again!
I love this blog entry! I think there’s one other element. As a person gets older they start to think (whether they admit it or not) about the time they have left. If they’re 60 and someone dies at 72, they think — ‘gee… if that’s me, that’s only 12 more years’. if the person who dies is 90, they think — ‘if that’s me… that’s another 30 years!” They equate the “length of time” to their own situation. If, in their minds (and by saying it loud under the guise of comforting someone else) they can think in terms of “a long and well lived life” — meaning: “if I can live that long….” it’s then perfectly okay to say it. When enough other people say it… it just becomes something “you say” about about people living as ‘long as their 90’s’. In some ways, I suppose it’s a personal coping mechanism that allows you to think “if I have 30 more years… not 12… I really don’t have to think about death anytime soon”. Well — I just lost my mom 13 weeks ago. She was very special and close. I miss her terribly. But you’re able to start putting lots of life’s issues in perspective and you think “time to create my own file of what I want when it’s my time to die” and do it without feeling strange or morbid. But if there’s one thing I learned from your other content… it’s about working to put the pain aside and remember the ‘whole person’. It’s about being able to talk about them — the good, the bad and the ugly. I think/hope I’m doing “okay” because I’ll talk about her all day long if someone’s interested.
Thanks for your great blog post…
Great! Shared on the Sammasati Project facebook page “Interesting blog post from kristie and made me laugh – also it reminds me of Osho saying it’s preferable to live vertically- A1 to A2 to A3, rather horizontally A1 to B1 to C1.” Love
I think that the best way to judge the true meaning of a good life is to ask if we all receive enough love in our life, I have found this true to my life so far, and I know that if we have this in our lives, then we are happier people, and also laughter, that makes life more worth living love and laughter,
I think that all though we don’t always get these in our life all the time, it makes it so much better when we do, sounds obvious,
but until you have experienced true love, and all that goes with it, then for me I cant feel happy,
and our to health too, good health means everything, and we should stop moaning about petty issues, as this just causes anger and depression,
I lost my beautiful Dad last year, after 9 years of Alzheimer’s, and I miss and love him so much, that I thought I can’t live with out him, but slowly I have come round to thinking that I can’t carry on like this, as I have other things in my life that are good,, brings me back to LOVE of my partner, with out him I don’t know where I would be,
My poor Dad died when he was 90, he had a good life, until Alzheimer’s took over, then there was a lot of heartache, and there is still heartache, if your quality of life is good and no suffering then all OK, I know this cant always be so, which is the sad part of life, at any age, if you have suffered,or love ones have suffered, then it makes it hard to feel good, and you might even then start thinking about your own end of life, and change a few things that you don’t like,
take care of yourselves,
Anne
Thanks, Kristie, I loved this post addressing a common, careless response. Shortly after my mother died, I was asked by a friend how old was she. Not how was I or who was my mother. When I replied, she was 86, the friend’s response was so flippant and the summary of her reply was, ‘she was due to die – what’s the big upset’. Her viewpoint suggests that there are varying degrees of grief: if someone died under tragic circumstances and if younger, then I have a right to be upset, but if old and died due to natural causes, then I should accept this and move on. Whilst I understand that the now ex-friend lacked understanding, empathy, compassion and knowledge, I’m also aware that her response wasn’t unique and that she borrowed from the box of cliched responses to death because that is all she knew. Your posting Kristie, helps eliminate the cliches, yet I wonder how it will reach the eyes and ears of those who need converting?
Thank you for sharing this Kristie, it certainly made me think. I lost my lovely Dad 18 months ago. He was only 74 years young, full of life and energy until cancer robbed him of his future. His mum died in her 90’s and his sisters and brother are all still alive and well in their 80’s. I made the assumption that my Dad was gifted with strong genes and would live well into his 90’s. I felt angry that cancer had robbed me of what I expected my parents future to look like. They were retired, took days out and holidays and I imagined they would be there supporting each and the family for many more years. It almost felt like failure as I’d always thought both my parents would live into their 90’s and that people would congratulate them on their long life. Even when he was diagnosed I felt it not possible that he would die… he was too young and physically so fit and busily contented with life – not in any way ready to die. Recently my son lost a very close friend in a terrible car accident, he was 16 years old … too young to die, physically fit and contented with life. Yes he has been robbed of his future. When I saw how his friend came together supporting each other, gathering together in mass in his memory I realised what a great character he had been and how he’d affected so many people’s live in such a positive way. I saw this as a successful life albeit short. It made me realise that none of us are promised a long life just a life and that there really are no guarantees how long any of us will be here. It is important to evaluate our life to ensure we are being true to ourselves and not bowing to the pressures of society. Some of us may choose to solitary lives, others surrounded by huge families and friendship circles. Some may work to benefit others some may work to benefit themselves. What ever path we choose, as long as it makes us happy and doesn’t harm, others is surely ok. Can we really judge if a stranger’s life was a success when we know nothing about their expectations? I felt my Dad’s life was cut short but I realise I was only measuring it by my own expectation of a long life being successful. My Dad’s life was successful, he loved and gave and supported his family and friends in many ways. He had such a positive, cheerful outlook on life and was an amazing problem solver. He affected our lives. Living our lives now, without Dad, is so difficult because to us he was so amazing and precious and has left such a great hole in our family. However I feel I can now let go of the frustrating element of my grief that led me to believe Dad was robbed of time. Time is not guaranteed.
Hi Dawnie,
Thank you for your comment!
I love this line “Can we really judge if a stranger’s life was a success when we know nothing about their expectations? I felt my Dad’s life was cut short but I realise I was only measuring it by my own expectation of a long life being successful.”
Absolutely. We often judge their lives by our standards and our expectations and our dreams of what their lives would hold. Whereas when we stop at look at what was important to them and how much of what they loved they achieved in their life, it changes everything.
Even worse, we judge it just based on time – which is no measure at all of what kind of life was lived.
No-one is robbed of a future. Because we cannot be robbed of what is not ours. Your dad lived 74 years…and by you seeing what a successful loving life he lived you honour him very deeply. Beautiful beautiful – thank you for sharing.
K
xx
Hi Helen,
Thanks for your comment!
Ahhh now that is an interesting question you pose – thank you – and I’m going to suggest something quite different. I believe the ones who actually need the converting are those who have had in the death in their life, rather than those who are reacting to them.
We unfairly expect people to say the ‘right’ thing (and there is no right thing…or rather every single person will have a slightly or wildly different list of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ things). We unfairly believe that their reactions show what type of person they are, how they really feel about us….when in fact all their reactions tell us is how they feel about death.
We expect the world around us to get it ‘right’…and then we are angry, frustrated, confused, let down, heartbroken, rejected…when they don’t.
It is not up to ‘them’ to get it ‘right’. It is up to us to not take it personally, to understand that people’s relationship with death is what will dictate their reaction to us, to understand they they usually have little idea what to do or say, and to realise that people will say things that we find strange, inappropriate, rude, or unfeeling…..and again, that none of it is personal.
After 6 deaths in 4 months in my family I got to see how the reactions got more and more extreme the more death I presented to people. I got to see that it wasn’t about me at all or about whether these were nice people or not. It was all about death. I learnt that there was nothing personal in their reactions….and once I did I became amused by the strange things people did and said, rather than annoyed, offended or let down. When we cling on to our unrealistic wish that everyone just ‘get it right’ we set ourselves (yes, we do it to ourselves) up for pain, frustration, anger and hurt. We are responsible for this. Not ‘them’.
I’m actually going to write a blog on exactly this topic in the next week or 2 so keep an eye out if you’d like to read it!
Kristie
xx