“Why aren’t I reacting normally to this death? I feel numb. Why am I not feeling it like everyone else is?”
I was asked this question the other day and thought is would make a good blog. Because if you’re one of those people who seems to feel almost nothing after the death of someone close it can be easy to worry that you aren’t behaving as you are supposed to, aren’t dealing with it, or that you’re ‘cold’ – the word used to describe herself by the woman who asked me this question.
I’ve written quite a bit before on why you shouldn’t set certain expectations of what your experience looks and feels like and not to feel guilty about any of the way you are feeling, but I’d like to touch specifically upon this particular feeling – this numbness. It’s not denial or disbelief – there is almost a quiet acceptance in it. And it’s not that you necessarily feel fine about it….it’s more that you aren’t really feeling anything.
And at this time one of people’s biggest worries for themselves is a) that they aren’t behaving as they should and b) that maybe they aren’t dealing with what has happened.
So let’s talk about that…
What should you be feeling?
I won’t write a lot here as I’ve written this blog before on exactly this topic. What I will reiterate though is that anything you are feeling or not feeling is fine. I don’t care what you’ve read, heard, or been told – there are no rules, no required process or pattern that you must follow. What you feel is what you feel. Try not to judge and decide what you should be feeling or what would be a better or more appropriate way to feel. You’ll help yourself (and others) a heck of a lot by being able to just honestly feel what you feel.
So why do I feel numb?
The first thing to know is…don’t worry that you aren’t dealing with this. The knowledge is in your head. The questions are being asked. Your mind is working on it. If you worry that you aren’t grieving or ‘letting it out’ – there is probably another outlet happening for you, even if not a big or obvious one. Unfortunately this is often your body i.e. your emotions may be numb but stress and pain may be building up in your body and you may be getting aches and pains. You might be getting angry or upset about other, seemingly unrelated things instead. (I had an ex who caught the brunt of this from me after my dad died. He mas a much easier, safer, and less painful target for my pain.) You will be letting it out – maybe just in little ways – but you will be.
So why the numbness? Our brains are pretty clever little machines and though I have little knowledge of the inner workings (despite using one every day of my life – ok, so there are probably plenty of times I haven’t….) I do understand that my brain will protect me from more than I can deal with in one go. I always say that we can hide anything at all from ourselves (though never permanently) – this is very often a protective measure. Something like a death of someone you love can be just too big to get your head around in one go, so your mind pops the idea somewhere safe. You’re well aware of it – just not quite ready, for whatever reason, to take it all in and try to understand and deal with the meaning and the repercussions right now.
You don’t need to fight this numbness – it’s obviously where you need to be right now and your head is stopping you from biting off more than you can chew/handle.
Because you aren’t feeling much or crying at all it doesn’t mean you are cold or don’t care. Of course it doesn’t! You wouldn’t be here reading this if you didn’t love them.
If you feel numb, don’t try and force emotions that aren’t coming. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up and don’t concern yourself with what doesn’t, give yourself the opportunity to cry (as it’s very healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually to do so) by popping on a sad movie if you feel like it. And just know that when you are ready you might start to notice some different thoughts and feelings.
Your numbness is often just a bit of a bubble protecting you from trying to get your head around too much too soon. And though you don’t want to stay in this bubble too long, for now it can be incredibly useful. If it wasn’t helping you out right now you wouldn’t be doing it.
So in answer to “why aren’t I reacting normally to this death” the answer is……you are. You’re just doing it in a different way and in a way that suits you far better for now.
If you are feeling numb try asking yourself why it’s useful to you, just so you don’t feel guilty about it. In my case, and in the case of many (though not all) of my clients, the numbness made it possible for me to process things in my own time and a bit more privately, but also allowed me to hold myself together while I had to do all the funeral planning, phone calls, helping rearrange the finances that I probably couldn’t have done had I been feeling all my emotions.
If you’ve been through or are going through this I would love to hear your thoughts and comments. And for all your questions or blog topics you’d like to read I’m just an email away.
Kristie
xx
P.S. If you are struggling, and need a little bit of help and support right now…then I have designed this gentle little course just for you.
{ 164 comments }
Hi kristie,
I really like this blog, and totally relate to yourself and the lady who asked about this. Not too long after my mum died I remarked about these same feelings to a friend of mine, I could not feel a thing and I was totally numb. I then compared my reaction to my mums death to that of my grans some years earlier, which I felt immediately and cried every day on waking for weeks, I was crushed and had no problems feeling it!
I was worried because I thought this somehow meant I felt my grans death more?! I now realise of course this is not so, and although I love and miss my gran dearly, the pain of losing my mother is something else, something my mind has to take its time over, for to feel it all at once would stretch my limits.
I really feel that my subconscious is only letting in a little realisation at a time, and that I should just go with this and trust my ‘ self ‘ to know how much I can handle. I dream about my mum every night, I believe this is my minds way of slowly processing and making real for me what I dont want to be true. For me, right now I would say the numbness is still partly there ad that i need it (3 months later) however, it is fading. To help Myself with this I write down a lot of how im feeling, or just take time to myself to think it over (Im not big on face to face conversations about how I feel) I find this helps a little in making sense of the many different emotions you start to feel all at once. But thats just me, others like to talk! 🙂 Anyway, this reply is going on a bit so i’ll just say to your client, I know where you are and its normal, necessary even, you will get there in your own time xx
Hi Shirley, writing down what you’re feeling (especially if you aren’t a big ‘talker’) is a fab idea – so you can stay in touch and be honest about what’s going on or you and just acknowledge everything that is coming up, whatever that might be. Don’t censor any of it.
After I posted this a friend wrote to me describing how when she seemed fine after her dad died someone at the funeral commented that she mustn’t have loved him. This is one of the biggest problems with grief (and why it’s so easy to get stuck there long-term) – that we have expectations of what it looks like, how people should behave and that the more you loved them the more (and longer) you should be hurting. When we believe it has to be like this we ensure we will hurt for much much longer than we necessarily do.
Just letting yourself experience whatever comes up, no matter who says what, is so healthy right now.
It makes perfect sense that your Gran’s death felt like it hit you harder if it was a much easier loss for you to handle.
I wouldn’t always say trust your brain (they can be tricky gadgets)…but this time trust your brain 😉 – it’s just helping you digest slowly and also manage all your other responsibilities at the same time. 🙂
xxxx
Great post Kristie, it describes exactly how I felt for weeks after my dad passed, until I came to see you in fact! xxx
Very interesting Kristie. This will be my first acknowledgement of this, but I’ve yet to cry since my dad’s death three months ago. Was I sad when he died? YES! I’ve thought a whole lot about something else you and I talked about, that being that he would not want me to be grieving over him. I loved him, I miss him, and I wish he hadn’t suffered the last couple of months of his life, but I’m in a better place than I would have ever thought possible if you had asked me how I thought I’d be under these circumstances before it happened. Although she’s better now, my sister cried a lot at first. Thanks for making the point that we are all dealing with the death of our loved one and that there is no norm, and no right and wrong way, and we should not focus on how we think we should be acting and reacting.
Hiya Mike,
you’re so right – that everyone deals with it differently and, as long as we don’t have expectations or guilt about what we are feeling or not feeling, the experience will be that little bit easier.
Stopping ourselves from crying or forcing ourselves when we don’t feel like it – neither are very useful.
As long as you don’t physically feel stress building up then I wouldn’t worry about not crying. When people are holding it in or feeling all the stress building up in their bodies (from holding all the emotions in) then I would be recommending sad movies etc, to get the emotion out of the body.
But everyone releases stuff in different ways. I was told over the weekend that laughing is just as therapeutic, releasing, and healing as crying.
xx
Glad to help. And great to see you here Celia!
Ive just lost my husband who I loved with all my heart he was my best friend, Ive watched him for 6 months going down hill, I held him in my arms and cried buckets whilst he was dying of osophegal cancer, I held him whilst he was dying, telling him Id be ok, I loved him etc,( all the right things someone wants to hear when they are dying) but you dont want them to die, I buried him Monday and yet now i feel nothing, I loved him with all my heart, its like its not real, I dont feel anything numb I guess, I expected to be in bits as when my mum died 9 years ago I cried for months. Its so weird. I dont understand why Im not on the floor sobbing my heart out, I ask myself am I normal?
Hi Sandra,
this isn’t weird at all. Like I say in the blog there are all sorts of different emotions you can go through and the worst thing right now would be to judge or put expectations on yourself. Different people react differently to different deaths in their lives for different reasons at different times. You might be totally falling apart…or actually ok. You might be feeling everything…or totally numb (and remember, numbness if often just your brain shutting off stuff because it is more than you can deal with now/all at once). How you feel on the scale from happy as a lamb to the worst mess you can imagine, contrary to opinion, doesn’t have as much to do with who you lost and how you felt about them than you might think.
Any beliefs right now that you are ‘supposed’ to be feeling a certain way (particularly if that certain way is worse than you feel now) will create more pain for you than you need to be in.
If you feel nothing right now…then fine. Whatever you are feeling is fine. Don’t let anyone tell you how you ‘should’ be feeling. And don’t tell yourself.
I spent a lot of time working with a lot of people who have lost someone and my ONLY concern here is if you need to cry but are holding it in. But if you aren’t feeling the need to cry then that’s fine too.
You may have lost people before but you will handle each one differently and how one affects ou is no indicator of how you will react to another.
WHATEVER you are feeling is fine and normal, believe me.
Sandra, feel free to get in touch with me directly if you’d like to with any questions at all or even if you’d just like to read a bit more and I can recommend some of my other blogs.
Kristie
xx
Thanks for your words. Im still not feeling anything, When he was diagnosed in April we where told he had 3 – 6 months, we both cried for a month we where both in shock, we tried to live a normal life and the last month he got worse, he would say im dying, and try to get me to accept it. I knew he was dying, but you live in hope. Friends have rallied around, ive never been on my own before always had a man in my life. I have a huge canvass of him now on my wall and pic by my bed and talk to him, I feel like im waiting for him to walk through the door, its so not real. I have the odd tear, but then I stop my self for what ever reason. He said I needed to be strong and Im trying. I would cry at the news, bambi, soaps etc, I now find Im sitting and just watching the birds, drinking coffee, sleeping is still poor Ive tried herbal sleeping tablets and some from the chemist but I still wake several times a night. Im use to listening out for Grahams needs, he would lay next to me and would want a drink or just a talk in the night, he didnt want to die, he fought to live and as he was dying the last few hours I held him and he just looked at me, I talked to him telling him how much I knew he loved me and vise versa, I know some say that they loved their partner but we where obsessed with each other we did everything together from him painting my nails to me helping him to do DIY. We where so close. Yet Im feeling nothing. Ive now got a 2wk old grandson and I feel nothing for him either. Friends say that Im doing brilliant, they say Im still in shock, but for a 49 year old I feel nothing about anything if that makes sense?
Hi Sandra,
I’m replying to the email you sent me – instead of here – so I can go a little bit more in debth and ask you a couple of questions.
K
xx
my dad past away a few days ago and im not crying? he was really the best dad in the world but im just not crying and dont understand why this is ?
Hi Keeley,
first things first – know there is nothing weird, or wrong, or unusual about this. Not feeling anything doesn’t even begin to suggest that you didn’t care or didn’t love him. After my dad died I was numb for most of the first few months (especially when we had other deaths happen so soon after). I felt, literally, like a rock. I wasn’t crying, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t need to.
There are loads of reasons why you might be feeling like this – shock, numb, your mind protecting you for from dealing with something so big all at once, or maybe you’re just handling this better than expected, especially if you had some time to prepare.
The most important thing, as I say above, is to know that whatever you are feeling or not feeling is normal, and not to expect or try to feel anything else. A few days ago is very very fresh and maybe it will all come out when it is ready but don’t be worried about what you are feeling or not feeling. And don’t listen to anyone who suggests what you should be feeling. You never lost your dad before so noone could predict what this was going to look like for you.
I’m going to send you a little booklet I’ve written for people who have just lost a parent really recently. I hope it’s helpful.
Kristie
x
Thank you for writing this Kristie,
My Grandma passed away a little over a week ago. She raised me from being a baby and was, for all intents and purposes, my mother. She had been incredibly sick for a long time and it was so hard watching her slowly lose her battle with congestive heart failure, COPD, emphysema, etc. I cried while she was in the hospital and yet from the moment I was told she had passed, up until now, I have not shed a tear. When my father died 6 years ago, it was completely different. I couldn’t stop crying. Since my Grandma’s passing, I have been worried that I wasn’t “handling her death properly”. It didn’t help that my mother said, “I don’t know why you aren’t more upset, you and your grandma were so close.” After hearing that I decided to try to force myself to cry, watching every sad movie that I could find on Netflix, and yet I stayed completely unemotional, not shedding one single tear.
After reading this it makes sense why I’m handling this the way I am. It’s not that I don’t miss my Grandma, I miss her more than anything. My brain is just processing this the best way that I can handle it. I’ll cry when I’m ready.
It was incredibly helpful to see that other people handle death the same way and that numb does not equal cold hearted.
Thank you for this article. I really needed to read this.
Ashley
Hiya Ashley,
you are very welcome. I’m glad this helped.
Everyone deals with it in such different ways that it never pays to remember your experience will never be exactly the same as other’s are. Of course you loved your Grandma dearly. Just because you aren’t crying it doesn’t suggest the contrary at all. You are perfectly normal.
If you don’t need to cry then don’t worry and don’t force it – that sounds exhausting! – as long as you aren’t holding tears in then there is no problem.
Here when you need me
Kristie
x
I will try to be as long-winded as I can. I’m attaching something I journaled; please forgive the lack of capitalization, but I was just writing. I really don’t understand this.
i’m stuck in a very long period of denial (my sister was murdered on September 13th). it’s not what i thought it would be. i always saw denial as delusional, but in my case, it’s more like “i can’t wrap my brain around this, it just doesn’t seem real.” could be because i hadn’t spoken to her in awhile, and because we had a difficult relationship – i don’t know. during this entire ordeal, i felt as though i had been sucked up into a spaceship and dropped into a movie scene, where i don’t know anyone there, and i can’t figure out why i’m here, either. it’s bizarre. i feel like i’ve been placed inside someone else’s body, and living someone else’s life. i’ve experienced death more times than i’d care to, but this time is very different, and i’m still trying to figure out why. this time, i was the one who had to field all the phone calls that first week, so that my mom wouldn’t have to tell the story, over and over again, about how my sister died. lucky me, i was the one who had to do it. i don’t ever wanna be that important again.
there were two services (mentally and emotionally exhausting, cause there was only supposed to be one and a graveside service), and both times i sat staring at her, as if i expected her to get up. i couldn’t even keep my eyes off the casket when it was closed. i just could not believe it was my sister in there. i still can’t believe it. i still see her there in my mind. ironically, there was a slide show during the first funeral, and i couldn’t even look at her pictures. strange.
my counselor says i’m having a harder time, because she was young (42), she was murdered, and our relationship was strained. those three, by themselves, are difficult enough, but when you add them all in one, it’s a doozy. i’m in a place of numbness. in a grief session, one of the women told me that it took three years for her to finally cry over her mother’s death. i thought to myself (but didn’t say) “yeah, but you got along with your mom.” i always felt like an only child, but now i am, and it won’t be so cut-and-dried when folks ask me if i have any siblings.
i owe lots of people lots of calls. thing is, when i’m alone, i don’t wanna talk to anyone, because i feel very anxious after hanging up the phone, and the house feels emptier. i’m sure talking would help me, but i gotta get over these anxious feelings. if i need to talk to someone, i take a drive. that’s not always practical. i spend lots of time on FB, because it’s easier, and i don’t really have to deal with the “how are you” questions, or engage in anything personal. i’m completely addicted to Bejeweled Blitz, because playing that is the only thing that stills my mind. hoping i’ll return back to normal sooner than later, but for now, i’m just going with the flow.
Sorry, I was trying *not* to be as long winded as I was. 🙁
Hi Zenzi, that’s quite all right. I’m happy you felt like you could share here and I know it helps others to see what others are experiencing and know that whatever is happening to them is normal. It makes sense that this hasn’t clicked in for you as real yet – your sister’s murder would have been a complete shock to the system. Don’t try and force yourself to get your head around it at the moment. Your brain is doing what it needs to to let you face as much as you can face at this time.
Often we can be in disbelief or numb……which is just our brains way of making sure we only take in as much as we can deal with right now. The MOST important thing right now to is take very good care of yourself. I have your email address so I’m going to forward one of my booklets to you that I think would be helpful for you right now.
There’s a lot I could say here but I’d need to here a bit more (yes, more ;)) about what is going on for you so it isn’t just general info.
Sending an email to you now.
Kristie
xx
My dad passed away in 1991 from colon cancer …he was sick for almost 2 years ..he was only 48 yrs old ..I was 18 yrs old …that’s when I stopped eating and I went from 125lbs to 90…never had an appetite since he passed but my endocronologist would give me some pills that add weight on without having to eat much so that made me feel like I look healthy ..
In October of 2008 my mom gets diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage 4 at the age of 62…she looked great …only symptoms she had was the yellowing of the skin and coughing …when I was told of her diagnosis in the hospital lobby it brought me back to my dad…that very moment when I was 18 and I asked the doctor in the lobby what my dad had (as my mom refused to tell me)…I fell to the ground and was sobbing in a state of disbelief …how could this happen to my mom? We fought with the doctors and ethics committee not to tell her…and when they asked her do you wanna know? She said “no”.
Unbeknownst to us that she already knew but was trying to protect us….she used to cry so easily but throughout her sickness she did not shed a tear..I slept with her at the hospital and watched her deteriorate and I hugged her tightly and cried not wanting to let her go…wanting to go with her…she looked at me and asked me “why are you crying ” I said am not used to seeing you in the hospital …she said ” there’s no reason to cry …you have to be strong …that whatever God has planned will happen ….we decided to take my mom home to be with my brother and me and her grandkids …I cried everyday but had hope and prayed to God for a miracle …she passed away peacefully at our home 3 years ago tdy.
.I was numb and I couldn’t cry…I was seeing her everywhere smiling walking in the door …I forgot about her illness …couldn’t remember her beeing sick….all the while thinking she is going to come back and that she would never leave me…I couldn’t shed a tear at her funeral …all the while thinking “why are other people crying “? I still feel guilty to this day that I didn’t cry..
What would my mom think? I was feeling fine as if nothing happened until I moved in with my brother and his family…I stopped eating for good …I ended up going to the hospital that my mom was in trying to get pills but then I started crying sobbing telling hospital workers that my mom was here and she was in this room…they admitted me to the psych Ward and gave me some medication to calm me down …was there for 4 nights.
.now for 2 years am taking anti depressants and am ok…kind of takes me away from reality …I am afraid to be without them…I am 39 years old …got divorced couple of years ago…no kids…living with my bro ..his wife and there 2 beautiful kids.
.my brother is the best brother in the world but I know his family comes first and I pray that I die before him as there’s only me and him left….although I would not want to see him suffer he would hv no choice but to move on because of his kids..
I know he loves me but in a day like tdy everyone in the house is going about there business avoiding the subject …no one wants to talk about my mom so in reality I am left with my own thoughts and sorrows ….my mom was a wonderful human beeing …she was funny,warm,loving, happy and whenever I had a problem in her eyes it was never that bad and she would make me feel great…I miss her dearly ….rip love you mom…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYuEFjt8Cag
Hi Iiria,
Firstly thank you for sharing your story so bravely here. The video of your mum is a beautiful tribute to her too.
The death of both your dad and then your mum has clearly had such a profoundly negative affect on you….my heart goes out to you.
I’m going to say something that you may not have heard anywhere else: it does not have to be like this. It doesn’t have to be anything like this. It can be the opposite of this. You have shared with me so I’ll do the same. All the deaths in my family made for a very traumatic time for us…….but it didn’t feel right to me that for us to suffer in pain was the only option. Because THIS was going to be my dad’s legacy, what he left behind: a family in pain. I knew that this is the last thing he would want to be responsible for and also that this was not a fitting tribute for him (or for anyone!) so I went looking for different answers and a different way, believing something else had to be out there…until I got myself to a point of healing that most people don’t even imagine is possible.
The thoughts of your mum and dad shouldn’t be a painful thing. Memories of them and their deaths shouldn’t have the power to destroy your life too. You should be able to think of them and smile…every time. Their memories shouldn’t hurt you and none of your memories should be off-limits.
Now this doesn’t happen with time or with just deciding you want it to happen. But with the right actions this is exactly the place you can get to – where you can have your life back to live (because you do have your own life to life…your life is the gift your parents gave you) and also feel a strong connection to your parents (in a positive, loving way, instead of the hollow pain you feel now).
This is where you can be. If this is something you want then feel free to get in touch with me directly.
I’m here for you and I can help you change this. You deserve more and your parents would want more for you than this constant heartbreak.
Much love,
xx
Hi, Your blog really helped, Recently my cousin comitted suicide, and it feels like it happend but just not to me. It seems un realistic and though I didnt talk to him much and he wasn’t social, I can’t seem to accept his death and I can’t seem to grieve for him like everyone else in my family, who some just like me didn’t know him but were able to cry for him. Thanks for the advice!
You are very welcome Silver. Happy to help.
Sending you lots of love,
Kristie
xxx
I remember when I was a little boy, my mom’s pet bird that I didn’t even like got sick and died, yet I cried almost more than I ever have in my life. Then several years later, I am an adult and my godmother (who played a large role in my life) died a while ago and I even saw her on her death bed not long before she died. When she died I felt completely normal, and everyone around was sad and angry at me because I was all happy-go-lucky as usual, telling me I didn’t care. Even more recently an aunt died and it was the same thing. I have never SEEMED as though I really let anything go to cope with the loss as I never let anything out on anybody. Do I really care or am I heartless or I don’t know, I never used to be like this as a kid (bird story), so what is up with me?
Hi Zeo,
contrary to popular opinion, how much emotion you express is not a sign that you cared more and less emotion not a sign that you cared less. Sometimes people who feel very numb will worry that they will appear heartless. There are some deaths that we can make sense of and feel peaceful about very quickly. And there are some deaths that we feel safe to release a lot of emotion about (lots of it may no even be about the death). Maybe you processed it all very differently – don’t pay attention when anyone suggests it means you didn’t care – it doesn’t mean anything of the sort!
K
xx
I lost my father last Wednesday due to congestive heart failure. He started to get really sick at the beginning of December 2011, and unfortunately his heart was so weak in the end, it stopped working in his sleep. My dad and I were really close, I have always been a big daddy’s girl and for the last four years, I moved him in with me so I could take care of him. I had an idea that some day this would happen and the thought of it happening would crush me and bring me to tears. Now that it has happened, I hurt so bad for his loss but I feel extremely absent and numb from all the pain. Sometimes I cry but most of all, I feel empty and absent from the whole world. When I lost a brother 8 years ago, I was devastated and cried daily for 3 months and still cried for him after 6 years. I am extremely devastated with the loss of my dad but I am grieving completely different. Another thing that worries me is that I am 28 weeks pregnant and I’m afraid I’ll hurt my baby with all this sadness. I’m also very concerned that it will hit me really hard after I deliver and fall into a serious post pardom depression. I miss my dad with all my hear, and passing by his empty room hurts but I don’t know if I am still in a state of shock. Please help. Thank you.
Hi Victoria,
Thank you for sharing your story.
Firstly, don’t let it worry you one bit that your experience is so different with your dad than it was with your brother. Each death means something different to each person. No two grief experiences will ever look exactly the same. People sometimes imagine that how they grieved once was how they will always grieve – this isn’t true. And don’t worry what particular models/processes you think you’re meant to be going through. Grief is an individual journey of meaning-making and noone can tell you exactly what will go on when for you.
I’m not a doctor so I can’t advise you on the potential impact of these emotions of yours on your baby. But I do know about grief and there could be a risk that the pain you are carrying gets all muddled up in potenial PPD if that was something that was going to develop in you. (While this could very well be the case the opposite too is just as much a possibility – that having your baby completely and positively changes your relationship with the loss of your dad. Beware your expectations beacuse they will set the stage).
I would advise seeking help with this. With myself or with someone else who resonates with you. Grief does not clear of it’s own accord, time doesn’t actually heal (just buries stuff). Feel free to get in touch with me directly if you’d like to chat about this.
Kristie
xx
Hi Liria,
thank you for sharing your story.
I saw a lovely and very relevant quote today. “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyse you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are” ~Bernice Johnson Reagan
It certainly isn’t as simple as just deciding to see it differently and just changing. But I do not believe that what you are going through it what this has to be like for you. It can be totally different. If you want something different, if you want to be able to think about and talk about your parents without being in this pain…then this is possible (no matter what you have been told). You are still at the beginning of your grief journey. If you really do want to move forward from that to a place of freedom from all this pain and connection to your parents then I can help you.
Kristie
xx
I am so spun out from having lost my mother and father in the same 9 month period of time…talk abut getting the rug pulled out. I feeling I am doing pretty well, as I can get to appointments etc. but I am not sleeping well at all despite every sleep aid, natural and un….
Part of me just wants to feel normal again and “get all this over with” but the grief and the sadness, despair really is always just under the surface. It’s been almost a year for mom and almost 3 months with dad, so far.
This article is so very helpful – thank you for it. My dad died from cancer three weeks ago. I cried immediately after his death, but not at the wake or the funeral. In fact I was very calm at both occasions.
Many of the onlookers must have assumed I wasn’t very close to my dad, but the opposite is true. He was the centre of our family. The most inspirational person in my life. Just the best.
I can’t do much about people’s assumptions… but thank you for the reassurance that I must let myself handle this in my own way/time.
thank you for saving me from guilt. but i wanna know why do some people grief and cry while others act numb and would this numbness stay forever ? cause that is what’s freaking me cause it has been 2 mounths since i lost my father and i m still acting numb ! by the way i m 17 years old
thank you for saving me from guilt. but i wanna know why do some people grief and cry while others act numb and would this numbness stay forever ? cause that is what’s freaking me cause it has been a while since i lost my father and i m still acting numb ! by the way i m a teen . and last i wonder if you could suggest blogs or any thing to read about this issue ,as it may be very helpful for me .thank you a lot …
Hi Bird,
I’m glad you found that helpful. Guilt ain’t helping you any so it’s great to let it go.
As for why some people cry and others are numb – it really is all about the individual. Our losses all mean something different to each of us and we can react very differently to someone else over the same death. We can also act and feel very different from one death to the next. Some people who have lost both parents are surprised to find that their experience of both can be really different.
Don’t worry about numbness – it’s just your clever brain protecting you from more than works for you to handle right now. That’s the usual case. And don’t listen to any nonsense about this being ‘denial’ – you aren’t in denial. Just numb. When all the deaths happened in my family I was probably numb for about a year. Well emotionally numb (like a brick wall) but in physical agony and struggling in many ways still.
My only concern would be if you need to cry but are holding it back. The body doesn’t want to hold all that so it’s great to watch some sad or touching movies to let the tears out. BUT if you don’t feel like the tears need to come (if you aren’t holding them in) then it’s ok.
The other thing to know is that sometimes people are more ok than they expected after a death. We are very conditioned to expect it to be the end of the world (and to feel guilty if it’s not) that sometimes people worry when they feel ok and tell themselves they are numb or just not ‘dealing with it’. So it’d be good to ask yourself whether you feel numb or whether you feel ok. Both are fine. One of the worst bits of grief is people thinking they should feel any different than what they do (often thinking they should feel worse) and causing themselves pain through that.
If my work resonates with you I’d recommend signing up to my mailing list – you’ll get lots of different articles and booklets (with more being designed at the moment). Another great person to follow is http://www.tabithajayne.com She doesn’t talk as specifically about grief but her work is like mine in that you wants to help people move to peace, passion, and purpose instead of just coping and living with pain.
Feel free to contact me directly with any other questions you might have. I’m always happy to help where I can.
Kristie
xx
Hi Clara,
You’re very welcome. I’m glad that helped. I get a huge number of hits to my blog from people searching for things like ‘my mum died and I feel nothing. Am I heartless?’ There are no rules, no stages, no set way you should feel. Feeling guilty just makes it all much worse than it needs to be. Don’t let anyone tell you how you ‘should’ be feeling – whether they are a friend or family member, or even someone who has been through the same thing. Everyone’s experience is different.
And you’re right that you can’t do anything about people’s assumptions. So you just let their silly assumptions worry them – their assumptions are their problem, not yours. You know you love your dad. I know it. Your dad did too. That’s all you need to worry about. 🙂 You don’t need to make yourself fall apart to prove that. That’s not usually what we would want for the people we leave behind when we die anyway.
Here if you need me,
Kristie
xx
Hi Betsy,
Thank you for sharing with us.
What a time you’ve been through. A lot of the people who contact me and read my blog have lost both parents, so you aren’t alone in this. The thing to know about having the rug pulled out from under your feet is that as awful as it can be you then have the opportunity to build again from the bottom up. But before that can happen you have to want to do it.
It isn’t about avoiding the pain and just getting over it OR sitting in the middle of it and staying there. The thing to do is start to look for the gifts that come from having things like this happen in your life. When you are ready to do that you can start to see these experiences as so much bigger and more meaningful. And I promise you this will change for you forever then. I know that from where you are standing that can seem impossible…..but I felt like that once and now I feel grateful for what I’ve been through and see so much more meaning in the lives and deaths of those that died that I honour them so much more. And if I can do it then anyone can do it Betsy. All it takes is that first step.
Kristie
xx
I just lost my precious Daddy,81, one week ago. I lost my Mama 1yr and 2 weeks ago,81,. After we placed Mama in her final resting place.com my Daddy suffered a stroke. During that, I had to “put Mama out here”, like on a waiting list for grief. She wouldnt have had it any other way either. I can hear her voice, “Now you take care of your Daddy,ok?” I was Daddys baby girl (they were married prior to marrying each other and having me). They were both 81 when they passed, I am 43. Basically, I AM an only child but have steps ranging in ages from 56 to 65. So when Daddy had his stroke, there was no one but me. Everyone else was grieving for their “last” parent. However, since I always considered my “steps(3sis1bro)” on Mamas side as regular siblingsthey were nonexistant. I thought that they would love me enough and my daddy to come or call to check on him. But my Daddy had a daughter, Marie, who I basically neveer knew. She had retired and had been helping with Mama and Daddy about 2 yrs prior to Mamas passing. She wants nothing as my other steps have insisted. She just knows that as things go on, life etc. Family is all u have.
My fingers are tiring and will continue later. I am just worried about me. Its been a wk since Daddy left and I was up for about 5 mins this morning before I thought about it. And I dont know if I am “okay” or its locked up in my subconscious. Worries me
I really appreciate this!
Hi Kristie,
Thanks so much for your work helping anonymous internet users. I am impressed, grateful, and admirative of your selfless efforts.
Earlier this week my best friend of 15 years took his own life, alone on his bed in his parents’ house without warning or explanation. Besides not feeling in the mood to go out and have fun, I’ve been able to pretty much continue with my life as normal, though I can feel a physical tension building inside me. I’ve been getting increasingly concerned that I was somehow inadvertently using my daily activities as a type of avoidance behavior, and not dealing with his passing in a healthy manner. Your article has reassured that I am simply grieving in my own way.
Thanks again.
-James
Hi James,
you are very welcome. I’m glad you found this helpful. And thank you for sharing.
As your best friend’s death was so very recently I wouldn’t worry at this stage about whether you are expressing things or not. When a death is so recent, especially one that can seem quite shocking, we can be a bit numb initially and not really feel it. BUT remember, there is no normal and that doesn’t apply to everyone. It may be a little bit of shock, or it may be that you are more ok than you would have imagined. Just sit with wherever you are at. Yes it could be avoidance behaviour but sometimes we need that to start with as what has happened can be too much to take on all at once. Just be gentle on yourself. If you feel physical tension building up (as I did during all the deaths in my family) then that does sound like emotional build-up and it is good to find ways to relieve that. I would suggest just allowing yourself some time to sit with your feelings and see what, if anything, comes up. Don’t force it. Watching sad movies (of any kind, even inspirational movies that get you teary) can help just to let the body release a bit of emotion.
But being so recent the most important thing is just to be gentle with yourself and show yourself lots of love and care right now.
K
xx
Thanks for letting me know!
K
xx
Hi Kimberley,
thank you for sharing.
Don’t worry right now whether you are ‘ok’ or not. The path of GRIEF is very individual and there are no rules or guidelines about what you should or shouldn’t be feeling. (So ignore all well-meaning advice and especially anything that talks about ‘stages’ of grief – this is an incredibly outdated and unhelpful model).
The first thing you can do is look after yourself – I have got a free booklet especially around this topic so email me directly if you would like it and I’ll get it straight to you.
I would imagine you have ‘stuff’ still around your mum’s death. Most people still have unresolved emotions around deaths in their life due to the idea that ‘time heals’, which it absolute doesn’t do. Have you dad’s death been bringing this up too?
There are things you can do to positively change this experience but the first step is to look after yourself and then not to accept the norms around GRIEF and being open to a very different way. This can be very different for you, when you are ready.
Kristie
xx
Hi kristie,
Thank you for this. I just lost my older brother (age 31, I’m 28). He was my best friend, my 4 year old daughters best friend, at my house every day. He passed away unexpectedly in his sleep from an asthma attack. When I first heard the news I fell to the ground in tears, at his wake I was emotional but not as bad as I would expect. He passed away 1 week ago today. I don’t feel anything, I don’t feel happy/sad/etc. it doesn’t feel REAL that he is never coming back, it’s like I can’t process it. As my family sits in tears everyday I can’t believe I’m not too. We were the closest and I’m just sitting here so “blah” I WANT to feel it, I WANT to grieve, but here I sit emotionless and feeling as cold as ever.
I can’t thank you enough for this article. I just lost my father yesterday and while I have cried a bit, I haven’t cried as much I thought I would. He deteriorated rapidly within a week and at the end of it, he was suffering badly. I think that in a way, I am just happy that he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. But I have been feeling guilty that I haven’t seemed more upset about this. I lost my best friend a year ago and cried almost constantly for days and days. But right now, I just feel…shock.
Anyway, I thank you for writing this article and thank you to everyone who has shared their stories. I don’t feel so guilty now for my feelings.
I am relieved to see how common this is. I lost my son 3 days before he was supposed to be born. Everyone keeps saying how good I seem to be doing or saying how well I’m dealing with my loss. I have been searching for information to tell me why I still don’t feel the pain. Noah, my angel baby, is in my thoughts every waking minute and I am definitely so upset that I lost him at full term. I cried when I held him, when I told my mother, and at his funeral. Since then, 3 weeks ago, I haven’t cried. I have been too ashamed to tell people that I feel fine because having to bury your child should be the most painful thing ever. Although I keep expecting the pain and emotions to hit me hard. Thank you for this blog, it is the only article I found that is in depth about numbness.
Hi Kelly,
I am so glad this blog helped you. I can’t tell you how often I hear from people who are worried that they aren’t in ‘enough’ pain and what it might mean. It is certainly no reflection of your love for your baby. That you love him is a given. How much or how little emotion you are currently feeling or expressing isn’t a demonstration of a certain amount of love or care.
What your numbness means to me is one of two things – either you are numb and you will process your baby’s death as and when you are ready and able. The brain is a clever wee thing and will hold back from you whatever you can’t handle right now. Trust it on this one. The other option is that you genuinely are doing ok. That can sound insane but within my work and what I believe to be a beautiful way to honour our dead this is indeed possible, does happen, and never suggests that you don’t love or don’t care.
My suggestion would be that you lighten up on yourself right now, you need and deserve your own love and care right now – more than ever. So take very very good care of you. I have a selfcare booklet I’m happy to send you if you’d like – just email me on kristie@kristiewest.com
And also don’t set expectations of what you ‘should’ feel and when….because your expectations can act as decisions, especially if you feel you ‘should’to be feeling/expressing certain emotions, and you run the risk of creating them instead even if that isn’t quite where you are at.
Sending you tonnes of love Kelly,
K
xx
So grateful to have found this blog. My husband died 3 weeks ago after a very long terminal illness and I only cried at his funeral. Because we had time to talk things through I feel that I can get on with my life but am overwhelmed with the thought I should be at least thinking about him. I seem to be having a great time enjoying life when he was everything to me. How can that be right?
Hi Karen,
Thanks for sharing your experience here – I know it is really valuable to others in the same boat and who )like you) think they are wrong and the only one.
The one sentence that rings warning bells for me is this one “but am overwhelmed with the thought I SHOULD be at least thinking about him”. Anything with a should in it is not helpful to you. Be very aware of this.
There are two things to know. The first you’ve read above – it could just be numbness. If so don’t push or try to make yourself feel something in particular or pretend to feel something. Work with where you are and don’t expect to be hit by painful emotions later. Maybe you will. But maybe you won’t.
The other is that in my work I see death as meaning a beautiful and meaningful event and some people are going to experience this more naturally, and on some level, even unconsciously, they will have a more natural sense of peace and ok-ness about what has happened. Ultimately we honour those who have died than seeing their deaths as important and using what we gain from these experiences to build on…not to be destroyed by. Maybe you are just one of these people Karen.
Sending you lots of love and I am always an email way if you’d like to get in touch directly.
Kristie
Thank you so much for replying. Neither of us were religious and for me especially death is part of nature taking its course. Perhaps that makes it more acceptable to me but I will take your advice and not force anything. You are providing a great service to those struggling with the loss of a loved one. Thank you x
You’re so welcome Karen. If you have any other questions feel free to ask. If I don’t have a blog on the topic I am happy to write one as I am always looking for new topics to share and help others with.
Kristie
xx
Hi Ashley,
I’m so glad this, and everyone else’s stories, have helped you. Sending you lots of love,
K
xx
Hi Mrs Cies,
You may have read through the comments and my responses above. If not, the thing I most want you to know is not to force anything. We expect (and are expected) to be in huge pain. It doesn’t always look like this right away. It might not look like this at all. Just allow whatever you’re feeling to happen. It it’s pain – ok. If it’s relief – ok. If it’s lauighter – ok. If it’s nothing – ok. Don’t let anyone tell you how you are meant to be feeling or what is normal. Most people’s ides are very unhelpful in this area and will only have you feeling guilty – which is the last thing you need right now. You deserve a lot of care right now so treat yourself gently. No beating yourself up.
You may want to feel it consciously…but some part of you may be protecting you for now. If you do feel built up tension then I recommend some tear-jerking movies – whether that is around death or just a soppy or romantic movie. It doesn’t have to be relevant – if it’s gets the tears flowing that is all that matters. It doesn’t matter if you think about your brother while you cry…it just matters that your body can let it out. This is only for if you feel like it’s building up and needs releasing though. Otherwise don’t force anything.
Sending lots of love,
Kristie
xx
Thank you for writing this, my mum passed last week and while everyone seems to be crying and missing mum i feel as if its not real or something, even though i keep telling myself it is and i have also had a veiwing to say goodbye i still cant seem to cry properly i have had little crys when i read a poem or something but i havent cried about actually losing my mum yet, but now i realise why. thankyou again
My Dad died a week ago, and at first when he was on life support, my eyes would kind of sting, but only when I he started coating, and I knew he would die, and only when I was surrounded by crying people. I cried once when I knew without a doubt he would die, but after that I went completely numb, and I haven’t cried since, and I don’t feel anything. Its almost like I’m looking at everything super rationally, and with logic. It’s like, when I think about my Dad I know he’s in heaven, and I know he can’t feel pain, and since I know he’s in a better place, I just stopped feeling. I’m not Sad or happy. I’m just, well exactly as your describing. My two older brothers (I’m the youngest at 14 while my brothers are 17, and 19–I was my dads little girl) have broken down several times, (It’s kind of funny because they think that they need to be strong and not cry around me-but I here know they break down because my Moms told me.) And my oldest brother has panic attacks. So, I don’t know, but they all think I’m some freaky, unfeeling, cold 14 year old girl but I think its more along the lines of what this article is said. I’m not unfeeling, I just…heal this way. This makes me feel better.
Savannah
🙂
Hi Savannah,
I’m so glad this made you feel better. You are certainly not ‘freaky, unfeeling, or cold’! Maybe there are different emotions to come. Maybe you just feel a general sense of peace about it all. Maybe you see your dad’s death differently to the rest of the family. Just know that whatever you are feeling or not feeling is perfect for you right now and doesn’t need to be any different at all. 🙂
Kristie
xx
Hi Kristie,
I know you posted this blog ages ago but I just though I’d comment anyway 🙂 I’m only 15 and while my loss may not be as significant as others, I felt I should still ask.
My Nan is 84 and is currently in hospital. She only went in a few days ago but basically all of her organs are failing. I understand that she may not have long left. My mum and sisters and uncle and Granddad have all had their cries about it but I’m just numb (like you discussed before).
I feel so bad that I can’t cry over it and normally I’m a very sensitive person. I’ve been scavenging through the Internet to try find a reason to my heart of stone but I can’t.
Of course I love my nan and obviously should be upset that she’s dying a slow and probably painful death. I don’t think I’m shock or denial because I know it will happen. I went to see her in hospital and she didn’t even look any different. Everyone says she looks very frail and ill though.
It’s just a bit out of character for me not to cry. My granddad had a stroke a few years ago and when my sisters told me, I broke down crying even though he survived. And last year my dad told me that my uncle died by suicide when I was 9 (originally they said he died in a car crash) and I still think about him every fail since I’ve known the truth. Until a few months ago, I still cried a few times a month about it.
Anyway, thanks for reading this and sorry for the life story! I don’t even know what I expect you to tell me, in a way I only wrote this to get out my feelings…
Thank you,
Hazel
Hi Hazel,
it doesn’t matter when I wrote the blog – I always see the comments that come through and can reply. 🙂 I love getting your comments.
Thank you for sharing your story with me …and everyone else on here. I know other people find all of these stories valuable too.
The first thing to know is that what goes on for you is certainly no more or less significant than other people’s experiences. A death in your life is a personal and individual thing and your experience is just as important to you as someone else’s is to them, no matter who died.
Hazel, no matter what you are feeling or not feeling it is completely fine and completely normal – no matter what anyone else tells you. Expectations of how we ‘should’ feel can be so damaging and leave people feeling wrong for not feeling the ‘right’ way, or in enough pain. There is no right or wrong way to be feeling no matter what the books say.
I can’t predict what would happen if my mum died tomorrow – would I feel totally fine? would I fall to bits for a little while? would I be numb? would I start looking at it differently and finding peace within the situation straight away? Who knows. I sure don’t. There is no predicting what we might feel or not feel – the thing is just to let it happen for a little while, whatever it is. If you are feeling numb, or even if you are feeling absolutely fine then that’s ok. Even if your Nan dies and you still feel ok…..then that’s still ok. You don’t need to be in agony as a show of love to your Nan….especially if you aren’t really feeling it.
Sending you lots of love,
K
xx
I want to thank you so much for this site and all the comments. My dad just passed away two weeks ago and in the days before and the few days after, he passed I was crying all the time, now in the last week I cant seem to cry. People keep asking how are you doing and I keep saying I am fine. I searched today for the reason for my numbness and I found this site and I am so glad I did. I was feeling really guilty and worried about whats wrong with me. I feel better now and I know that my body is protecting me. This is not the only trama I have been dealing with, on Labor Day while out hunting with my son we found a dead body floating in a canal that had been in the water for four days, and you cant prepare for anything like that. I am learning to just take life one day at a time and do the best I can. Thank you so much for the comfort this page has brought me.
You are very welcome Brenda. I am very glad you found your way here.
Sending you lots of love,
K
xx
I just lost my mother about a week ago. I am feeling the same thing, numbness and was wondering if this is natural also. I loved my mom even though we had a rocky relationship most of our lives but the last two months we had a wonderful bonding and forgiveness. I watched her slowly die in the hospital 11 days. I was constantly at her bedside and watched her take her last breath. She went peacefully. I think I did most of my grieving at that time, but not for sure.
Hi Kristie,
I lost a friend in a car accident only this Tuesday. When I was holding on I felt worried sick, I felt numb, I couldn’t sleep. When I was told that we should prepare ourselves for the worst I started shaking and could easily cry. Immediately after I was told she was gone I burst into tears, but I feel since Wednesday everytime people ask me am I ok, I am geniunely feeling fine. In fact I have been laughing and joking at work, met up with other friends. The only feeling I feel is anger that I was happy with my life and now its changed, anger that she didn’t fight harder to stay. I keep questioning myself, people have said that maybe I wasn’t as close to her as others. But although I only knew her for 1 year she was one of those people that instantly became a friend. I care deeply about all those I love and that life is unfair for a life to be taken at 27, but all I feel is grateful for all I have, the fact that I knew her and had her in my life, even if only for a short time. I feel that my quickness at excepting this and wanting to enjoy life makes me cold? I worry that maybe it hasn’t hit me? But I remember watching my brother go through the same thing and weirdly know that I’ll be ok in the end, because life does go on. But now I know there is nothing I can do, no anger, bitterness at others, no tears will change anything. Reading your blog and others response does help me know that nothing is the norm.
Hi Kristie,
Thanks for this post. My mum died suddenly 2 weeks ago and since the funeral I haven’t felt anything about anything and I hate it, I feel that I should be crying and letting it out but I can’t and I am normally a really emotional person.Some people have said it will hit me and I want it to in a way so that I can feel something instead of guilt. I usually talk things through but I can’t thnk of anything to say. I am spending a lot of time with my Dad and think I am being strong for him in some ways. I have tried making my self feel things by telling my self she has gone and won’t come back and I have gone to the grave but I don’t feel like she is there. I have depression anyway and am on anti-depressants and am thinking of decreasing these so I might feel something. I am thinking of going back to work but am scared that’s where I will fall apart.
Don’t know what to do, thanks for reading.
Well this made me feel a little better :). My dad passed away almost 4 weeks ago, i am 22, and feel to young to not have my daddy around. I have had moments where i just break down and cry, and moments i miss him, moments my heart feels broken, moments i feel pain to the core of my soul..But as of lately, i have been feeling normal,much like my life has gone on, and this worries me because i cant possibly be done grieving so soon can i?Or am i just numb for the moment? Im not sure, but i really try not to force myself to feel anything other then what i really feel, and lately i have just been feelin ” Alright”. Did the paint of the death of you’re father come and go? Did you have moments or days or weeks where everything felt fine and the next week maybe was harder?
Thank you
Hi Christine, there are no rules to what this can feel like to start with and no guidelines. Ignore any 5 stages nonsense – it is a very outdated and full of holes model, thoroughly debunked many times over.
What you are going through right now is a journey of meaning-making, and that is very different and very unique to each individual. There are no rights and wrongd, not in the beginning. I think in the first couple of the months it is important to just feel whatever you are feeling (whether sad, happy, numb) and take VERY good care of yourself.
My guess would be, as it was only 4 weeks ago, is that you are still trying to process what happened and settle back into your life too. It makes sense that your brain and emotions are flipping back and forward. Be gentle on yourself.
As for the pain of the death of my father….if you’ve read my ‘about me’ page you might have seen that my experience was a bit different than most. Most people – yes it does come and go for most…but only because it doesn’t really ‘go’ anywhere. It usually just gets buried and resurfaces over time when they think about that person (which over time they do less and less of).
For me….I wasn’t happy with that so worked myself through a process that completely and positively changed how my dad’s death felt to me. It can be hard to believe but I have absolutely zero pain around this now – my dad and his death are good thoughts for me and I can think about him any time. I don’t have to forget him or bury memories of him over time…because these bring me no pain. If this is something you would like then I can help you when the time comes….but right now Christine I would say your focus needs to be on taking the very best care of yourself that you can. It will make a bigger difference than you might realise.
K
xx
Thank you Kristie for writing this. My dad passed away just yesterday and I am completely numb and in shock. I lost him to liver cancer at the age of 52. I’m only 23 years old and I feel like I’m too young to be dealing with this. He was my best friend and the best father I could have ever asked for and we were extremely close. My mom has cried more than I have yet I’m the more emotional person in the family. Certain things make me cry when I’m reminded of him but I imagined I would be crying for hours on end but that hasn’t happened. I had searched for the “right” ways to respond to the death of a loved one. But am at peace knowing that there is no “right” way. I’m dealing with it in my own terms yet I feel like I’ll never get over this loss since it was quite sudden. Your post is reassuring that I am having my own unique way of handling this but I’m not sure if I’m holding it in or that the shock has stopped my emotions cold.
Anyway, I thank you again for writing this and giving me clarity on a topic that is so relevant to me at the moment.
Best,
Vanessa
I lost my sister on 3/27 after a 10 year battle with breast cancer. She was also my best friend. On 3/30/12, my fiancé who I had actually known 30 years and we had a second chance at love just didn’t wake up one morning. No illness, no symptoms, no forewarning. I have grieved a lot this past year. I have also seen my dear sister suffer a lot. Yet, she thought life had been unfair to me. When she died this week, I just went numb. I can only think that I am all grieved out. Now I have lost the two people in the world I am closest to and I feel guilty for not grieving my sister.
Hi Colleen,
it may be that you had already got your head around your sister’s death over the past year, it may be that you are just numb (your brain is protecting you), it may be that you process it differently than others.
Whatever you’re feeling right now is perfectly fine and normal. Please don’t feel guilty for not being in as much pain as you think you ‘should’ right now. We have been taught these crazy ideas that the pain is a measure of love and hence the more pain we are in the better. In actual fact, the more pain we are in the tougher it becomes to remember them, and the less we think of them. So…the less pain the better. Also the pain after a death is nothing more than your own emotional reaction to a death, not a measure of love at all, and this reaction is impacted by your relationship to those the person who died, your relationship to death, your relationship to yourself, and many other factors.
There is no right way to be or feel immediately after a death and the honesty to just be wherever you are is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. When the time comes you can completely change your experience and understanding of these deaths…f that is something that you want.
K
xx
You’re very welcome Vanessa. I’m glad this post helped you. There isn’t a right or wrong way initially – it’s just about being honest with yourself and feeling whatever it is you might be feeling, whether it is what you expected or not. Be very kind to yourself, very honest with yourself, know that it is all ok and normal, and show yourself lots of love and care right now – you need it and deserve it.
Much love,
K
xx
Dear Kristie,
I am so glad I found you. I lost my dad last Tuesday. His funeral is tomorrow and I have been quite numb. I have the occasional tears but nothing like when I lost my nan six months ago. My mum is the same.
My dad had lung cancer and died over 9 months. I nursed him with my mum in his home until 2 days before he passed as he didn’t want to go to hospital. We cried a lot over the 9 months and he asked me not to cry and also not to cry at his funeral which I know will be impossible. The night before he passed I was a mess and thought I might have a heart attack with pains I was having. He passed with me talking about old times and the last thing I told him was he was the best dad ever. I came searching online because I felt like maybe something was wrong with me. My grieving was different and slightly numb.
I wondered if my dad was helping me and my mum like he wanted. I hope tomorrow is a day like he wanted if us but I would hate to he judged by other people at the funeral. Carolyn xx
Hi Carolyn,
I’m glad you found me too. 🙂 Don’t worry about being judged. The reality is in life that we get judged constantly by others (both negatively and positively). What matters is how we judge ourselves. You know (and I know) that where you are at right now is absolutely fine and normal…whatever it looks like. Just take good care of yourself.
Sending you much love,
Kristie
xx
Hi , I’ve just come across your blog and thought would love to comment. My dad passed away on 6th march 2013 and for 2 days I completely broke down and was hit by so many emotions it was all too much to bare . I suddenly stopped crying and told myself” I didn’t like that and I’m not going to do that again” . I since have stopped myself over thinking about him and have put it away to the back of my mind until I think I am ready to cope again . I have had a few little tears and sad moments but I snap them shut quick ….. Until tonight, in bed I started thinking about his last hours( I was with him when he died) and I felt almost like I was going to have a panic attack , tears rolled and I felt like screaming , the pain in my heart overbearing . My partner just held me ( he’s incredibly supportive and I slowly felt better . I however feel very sad and weepy which is why I grabbed my phone and searched for some helpful websites . Your blog really helped so thank you Kirstie. This grieving is a whole new experience to me and its hard to understand . I was a complete daddy’s girl , he was my world . Just hoping time will heal x
Hi , I’ve just come across your blog and thought would love to comment. My dad passed away on 6th march 2013 and for 2 days I completely broke down and was hit by so many emotions it was all too much to bare . I suddenly stopped crying and told myself” I didn’t like that and I’m not going to do that again” . I since have stopped myself over thinking about him and have put it away to the back of my mind until I think I am ready to cope again . I have had a few little tears and sad moments but I snap them shut quick ….. Until tonight, in bed I started thinking about his last hours( I was with him when he died) and I felt almost like I was going to have a panic attack , tears rolled and I felt like screaming , the pain in my heart overbearing . My partner just held me ( he’s incredibly supportive and I slowly felt better . I however feel very sad and weepy which is why I grabbed my phone and searched for some helpful websites . Your blog really helped so thank you Kristie .This grieving is a whole new experience to me and its hard to understand . I was a complete daddy’s girl , he was my world . Just hoping time will heal x
Hi Lisa,
Sending you lots of love right now. Be very kind to yourself. I am glad my blog was helpful to you.
Unfortunately the idea that time heals isn’t actually true – time just buries stuff deep down in us. It’s what you DO with the time, not the time itself. When the time comes and you feel ready to start changing the way you feel and want to do something different, then let me know -I can help.
xxx
Hi Kristy , thank you for your comment . I do think I’m holding back a lot of feelings and I do feel tired and have no appetite since he died so when you wrote be kind to yourself it made me realise that I havnt . I will try to look after myself a little more now . It’s good to know you can help when I am ready to change the way I’m feeling ( I don’t understand the protective barrier I have put up but it’s getting me through it at the mo). Your blog and reading everyone’s posts have already helped so thanks again x
I wanted to say thank you for this blog. I lost my best friend of 25 years 8 months ago, and I am fully functioning, happy for the most part and can remember the good times. I miss her and think about her every day. However, I’ve recently been told by a couple of close friends that I’m not paying tribute to my best friend by not being emotional all the time, but I’ve never been that kind of person. It upset me enough that I was looking for answers online and came across this page. Its nice to know I’m not the only one, and that it might just be my process. Thank you.
Hi Kristie, Thank you for writing about this topic. I just found your blog because I was trying to figure out and understand why I feel the way I do. My mom passed away a month ago. She started getting sick on January and ended up in the hospital for a few days; they had her on some meds and she came back home. She started getting better, slowly. My sister and I lived with her and we took turns in taking care of her. It was hard on us, because for a month and a half it was just about going to work and coming home to take care of her. On March, she started to get sick again, but this time it was different. She ended up again in the hospital, for a longer period of time and she wasn’t herself anymore. The doctors sent her home again, but she wasn’t getting any better. There were a lot of feelings during the time she was sick, because I felt that we weren’t doing enough for her. It was a very frustrating time for me. I felt helpless; I was really in pain and agony. I lost my appetite. She died on April 1st. Now I feel numb. People are expecting me to be in pieces because I was the youngest and we were very close, but I’m not, and I do feel guilty for not being in pieces. I am very, very sad that she is gone, and I am aware of that, but I don’t know how I feel. I miss her and I have cried, but not as much as I thought I would if she passed away. I am afraid that I am not dealing with it properly. What should I do? Thank you.
Brenda
Hi Kristie,
I just want to thank you, along with everyone else on this blog. I’m so glad I came across it. It’s been the strangest few weeks/months. My dad became ill last October and had a long stay in hospital and a home. We had to re-arrange my mum and dad’s house but we got him home for Christmas and my 30th birthday. He seemed well (ish) for a few weeks but went back in hospital in February. Before he went back in I dreamt that I was at my nannan’s funeral and then my dads. I woke up crying and was really disturbed by this. 9 days later and unexpectedly my nan died (my mums mum), this was in March. 5 weeks later, 12 days ago, my dad died. We were told he was dying and we managed somehow to get him home to be with my mum, brother and me. We had 4 precious days with him which I’ll treasure forever. He was never told he was dying but gave us signs that he knew, although these were confusing as he also talked about getting better (which is why we couldn’t tell him, unless he had asked). Before we were told he was dying I cried, after being told and in the days we tried so hard to get him home I cried (believing he wouldn’t make it and would die alone in hospital), when he passed away and when the funeral directors took him away I cried, then I stopped and I haven’t cried since, in fact I’ve felt very little. My dad was an amazing man who was happy on life and so grateful for everything he had, he was and still is loved so much, and no one will ever replace him. I’ve done all the arranging, sorted finances, my mums benefits/pension, the will, the insurance, everything, the funeral is in 3 days time. I’ve been to the funeral home and washed, shaved and dressed my dad (I was doing this in the 6 months before he died so it felt very natural to do it one last time for him). I thought I would struggle and break down at this point but I was completely detached and although it was his body I knew he was not there. I’ve seen him again since and decorated his coffin with photos and things that were dear to us and him yet I still seem to feel almost nothing and I’m struggling with it. I’m thinking it will all come out at the funeral but I was unable to grieve at my nans funeral for her as I was actually grieving for my dad while he was still alive. I’m not sure if my reaction is because I’ve done a lot of my grieving beforehand or because I’ve been so busy and it’s just too painful to process or what but reading your blog and other’s stories has helped. I know it has to come at some point and I’m dreading it but I also want it to as I want my dad to know that I’m not just ‘ok’ now he’s gone. That’s not the case at all, he meant more to me than anyone and this is not what I expected at all but I’m glad that I know I’m not alone and this is just my way or my body’s way of coping.
Thank you,
Jo xx
Hi Brenda,
Thank you for sharing.
There is so much social expectation around death that we can feel wrong for doing anything that isn’t ‘falling apart’. At the moment it is important just to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. There is no right and wrong way to feel. The important thing, for now, is to just allow yourself the honesty of being wherever you are. I actually have a gentle online course around supporting yourself through the early days after a death that I think would really help. Let me know if you’d be interested in hearing more and I can send you a little info.
Much love,
Kristie
xx
Hi Kristin,
I’m glad you found your way here!
There are loads of common beliefs around death that aren’t helpful and actually don’t make sense when we examine them closely. You’ve come across one of them – the idea that we should stay in pain to honour people.
If you think this through ….how does it honour someone to let their memory be a painful thing (which will ensure you forget them slowly as time goes by as thoughts of them are painful and you’ll need to protect yourself from them). DO WE really want OUR legacy to be those we love crying every time they think of us and struggling to cope? Then why would be imagine this to be the best way to honour them?
This is not to say that we are meant to just block out or ignore these emotions (though they can be changed with the right actions), but to hold on to them to pay tribute to those we love is misguided.
You’re on the right path. 🙂
Kristie
xx
Hello. I’m having trouble. My grandma who I was extremely close to passed away last week from a brain aneurism. I was the last one to say “goodbye” to her after she had passed. I could barely think of anything to say. I did shed a couple years though which I thought was a good sign. I also thought she was still breathing but that wasn’t true. I think I was just seeing what I wanted to see. I then had to share a passage from a letter I had written to her at her funeral. I was unable to read it so my Pastor read it for me. I didn’t really cry at the funeral, or at the cemetery. I keep having memories or flashbacks of her that are painful. She was just at my house or Easter and for my daughters baptism. I recall at one of these occasions looking into the kitchen and she was all alone in there sitting on a stool a staring out the window. I wish I would have gone to sit by her. I was so busy with dinner and things like that that I never did. I miss her so very much sometimes it feels like I might begin to accept her passing and ill feel like I may cry but then it feels like I’m choking it in and can’t breathe. Please offer any advice or information that could be useful to me. Thank you so much.
Thanks, this was a relief to see that it’s not just me. My Dad died almost a month ago and I haven’t really felt anything, I am only 16 so have not had to deal with grief before so it has all been quite confusing. My mum asked if I wanted counselling but I feel like it would just be awkward (i don’t really like talking to strangers) so I’m glad you posted this. Finally I’m wondering if grief should feel different when it is a suicide?
Hi Jo , I wrote previously on this forum about my dads passing and my numbness . He died on 6 th march ’13 . My feelings of numbness are changing now 2 months on . I feel angry , bitter and depressed . I’m aware of this and as I love life and am always a happy person I am trying my best to hide my emotions as not to upset others especially my kids . I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore . I have everything to be happy for , a loving husband , 2 boys and a 6 month old beautiful baby girl but all I see is negative . I struggle to talk to anyone about my feelings at all , because I don’t understand them myself . I preferred the numbness . I also have become riddled with aches and pains and had to take pain killers and get phisio . I’ve been searching the Internet for advice and help and it seems what I’m going through is normal and grief can affect people in different ways . I think mine is a slow process and is affecting me without realising it in different ways . You are grieving too and are in the grieving process . It’s not all about tears and breaking down . It is a process of emotions , some of which its hard to understand . A friend told me to read a poem “Desiderata “. I just read it and recommend it to you , but in a few months time maybe . My thoughts are with you Jo , keep strong .
Lisa x
Hi Rory,
G.R.I.E.F. begins as a journey of meaning-making….and this is very individual to each person – how we see the death, how we understand it, what meaning we give each aspect of the death, so it means that each person’s emotional reaction is very different. So no there isn’t one particular way GRIEF feels in relation to each death (and beware of anyone telling you otherwise. Prescriptive ideas about ‘stages’, etc aren’t helpful.)
I’m sure some people would identify certain emotions that can come up strongly around a suicide, like guilt or anger, but these are common emotions that anyone could feel around any death…or indeed any circumstance in their life at all. What you feel is what you feel is what you feel. Don’t worry about trying to figure out what your experience ‘should’ be. Just give yourself the space to feel what you feel and, when the time comes when you want to change this, then I can help you.
K
xx
Hi Meghan,
Have you signed up for my free booklet and my mailing list? You’ll get some free booklets, new blogs sent to you, and invites to monthly calls and details of all courses etc – there is a lot that could be helpful to you there.
Lots of love,
K
xx
Thank you so much for this Blog. I felt this numb feeling at 9 years old when my mother died. I still feel it. I am 38. I felt this same way when my father died at 36. I still feel the same way. I am a very emotional person. I have a lot of anxiety. I have lost my temper in my 20s horrifically. It has always been pretty hard for me to hold on to relationships. Thank goodness I have a hold on my emotions now in regards to the anger. But gosh, I would do anything to be able to connect with my mother and father in my heart and mind instead of this awful numb feeling. They were wonderful loving people. So kind, and soft spoken. I was never mistreated. All I felt was incredible love they had for me. So I do not understand this numbness. I almost feel like a sociopath.
Hi Nancy,
sometimes the numbness is about stopping us from going there if it seems too tough or painful. And, as you’ve seen, the emotion can leak out in other ways. The body doesn’t want to hold all that. I would imagine that this is what is going on if it has always been like this for you – that it has probably been buried by yor brain to protect you….and needs to come up before it can be changed. If you want to do something about this and ts then I can help. Just get in touch.
Much love,
K
xx
Hi my dad just passed away and I can’t stop crying I feel like I’m loosing my mind
I have a pit in my stomach and I can’t sleep and I have an overwhelming
Feeling that I’ve never felt before should I go see a doctor or is this normal? Thank you for your time.
Windy
Hi Windy,
if your dad has passed away very recently then this is absolutely fine. It is important to just let whatever needs to come out now come out. For some people that can be a calm, for there a numbness, for others overwhelming tears and emotions. Just give yourself the space and allow it. Holding things is (whatever that might be) doesn’t help – our bodies don’t want to hold all that emotion. It is very important to focus on the basics of looking after yourself right now – eating, moving your body, resting – these things are so so important right now. I have a little gentle course to help with exactly this – let me know if you’d like the details.
K
xx
I’m a teenager and recently my stepmother had a miscarriage. Everyone’s been acting cheerier than they normally do to try and offer some sort of protection for my younger sister and I but I’m sincerely enjoying this atmosphere. My mother lives in Joplin, MO and the same thing happened there after the tornado… It makes me feel bad but everybody’s usually so stressed and grumpy and it gets on my nerves, but I live in a happier house now.
I lost my mom 3 weeks ago. I came across this because I’ve been so emotionally numb. Part of me hates it but part of me loves it. It feels so good not to care about silly little things that would bother me on a regular basis. The worse part is that I hurt my boyfriend of two and a half years by breaking up with him. I felt that it was needed because with all the emotional unavailability and numbness that I wasn’t giving one hundred percent. I miss my mom everyday and that’s the only emotion that matters.
I lost my beloved mother 2 weeks ago and I don’t feel anything. I lost my sister 8 years ago, I was bereft for many weeks afterward and I can still cry at the drop of a hat about her. My mother, nothing. I’ve tried to convince myself that my numbness is just me protecting myself, but it still feels wrong, like I didn’t care about her, like I’m a monster. Cognitive dissonance at its worst. I’d rather be engulfed in grief, inconsolable. But I’m not, at least not yet, and it feels horribly wrong.
Hi Brian,
Buying into the social expectation that pain is what we are meant to feel (and all we are meant to feel) will cause you unnecessary pain and guilt. The reality is, as you can see from the comments above, that it is very very common for people to feel numb or ok….and not what they expected. The level of pan you are in is no reflection at all of your level of love for your mum. As someone who is constantly around death and grief I can promise you that. Trying to force yourself to feel emotions you just aren’t having right now or feeling bad about it won’t help you at all. Be gentle on yourself and accept that whatever you are feeling or not feeling is fine for now.
Kristie
xx
Thank you for this article. My wife and I just lost our baby. We found out his heart had stopped beating four days before his due date. It has been two weeks and my wife is appropriately devastated. I was at first. At the hospital we wept, and wept. Having to watch her give birth to our baby that was no longer alive was horrible. After a long induced labor they ended up having to do a C Section and there were complications. She could have died. The doctors & nurses were great and my wife is physically recovering. We had him (The baby) baptized immediately after the birth. The next day we spent some time saying goodbye which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have never felt so much pain. I had no idea I could love someone that much just by looking at him and then have your heart ripped out at the same time by realizing he is gone.
However, since then I have been more or less numb about it. It’s been two weeks, and my wife is inconsolable. I am doing my best to help her, but I am just not feeling the grief. She thinks I am being strong for her and is worried I am holding back the tears. I am not, I wish I were. I can tell she needs me to cry with her, to let her know she is not going through this alone. I do my best to reassure her, but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to make myself feel the pain. I think it hurts her I am not as upset as her. We are doing everything we can think of to help her, seeing a councilor, taking medication to help, having friends visit, and joining a support group… I’m just wondering when the other shoe is going to drop for me.
Thanks again for the article; it’s nice to know I am not a heartless robot.
Hi Bill,
I am so glad you found this. I have heard from plenty of people like you who have had babies die and ‘know’ that this is supposed to be the worst experience of their lives and expect, like you say, to be “appropriately devastated”.
Know that your experience is not at all uncommon Bill and that you are far from alone in feeling as you are right now…it’s just that numbness or feeling ok can be very challenging to share, especially around the death of a baby, so people don’t. Unfortunately this is because of all the very unhelpful ideas about hat G.R.I.E.F is meant to look like and how it is meant to feel.
You are absolutely not a heartless robot. You are a unique person processing your unique experience, just like everyone else.
Much love to you both right now
Kristie
xx
My 80 year old dad died 2 days ago. He had been diagnosed with dementia several years ago, so while his health was poor, he’s death was unexpected. As we prepare to make the trip for his funeral, other than the calls from my siblings to discuss arrangements and our mother, its been just been a regular week-end to me.
I am somewhat of the rebel of my family, but never had any big fall-out with my father or the rest of my family either. So should I be concerned about some kind of “crash” that’s coming? I’ve read this blog after finding it through a Google search, so I realize this may be normal, but I worry more because even before this I’ve worried that I’m a cold person
Hi Greg,
I would say not to worry about a ‘crash’ coming. Not to say that will or won’t happen…but focusing on it could mean you create it (if you expect you are meant to have one. Our expectaions and beliefs create our world). Everyone processes this differently, and many more people than you ever realise feel less than they (or others) think they ‘should’. It has nothing at all to do with being a cold person. You are just processing it your way. For now just allow whatever your emotions are to just be – whether they are happy, sad, numb or anything else. The biggest problem is not the emotions we have….what what we think they should or shouldn’t be. Be kind to yourself and at such point as you may want to work through and chnage this for yourself, I’m always here – just get in touch.
K
xx
I am so glad I came across your blog. I was feeling guilty before reading through this. I lost my mother a little over a week ago and I have not really cried a lot. Mostly I am a zombie. It’s like my normal feelings are hiding or something. I’m scared that if I go back to work without “losing it and sobbing uncontrollably” that it will hit me at a very inopportune time. I don’t want to be around anyone and that is hurting my sister who needs as much attention as she can get. She has not stopped crying and wants everyone by her. I just can’t. I want to be alone. I don’t want to lose my job because I have became such a “cold person”. I am normally a very emotional person. I cry at everything. Now the tears will not come. I loved my mother dearly and she was my best friend and I’m still grabbing for the phone to call her. I guess I feel lost and not sure what to do. Anything you can suggest would be appreciated.
Hello Kirstie. Thank you so much for your really lovely and really useful blog. I lost my much loved Nan on 20th September 2013 and have felt nothing. The only time I cried was whilst on the phone to my brother in Australia (I’m in the UK). That was more to do with missing him I think. I initially thought that all the medication I am on my have suppressed my emotions or something, now from reading your blog I know differently. Have have Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis and I am very susceptible to stress etcetera, it causing my symptoms to worsen. I wondered if my brain had switched into self preservation mode as I always thought my world would fall apart when I lost my Nan. She was my saviour whilst I was growing up showing me the love and attention I didn’t get from where I should have got it. I am going to miss her immensely.
Thanks again, love from Helen. Xx
This article is really helpful, I truly thought I was the only one! I am currently going through the whole numbness thing. The most special person in my life who was like a dad to me passed away two days ago and I haven’t felt a thing. He was my inspiration in life and when he was diagnosed with cancer (two days before he died), I was in absolute bits. I’d never cried so much in my life. I don’t know whether I’ve literally ran out of tears? The longer I go without crying, the more worked up I’m getting! I went to a party tonight and acted completely normal and i feel so guilty that i’m able to be happy. The hardest part is that because he wasn’t a blood relation and I don’t seem upset, people are assuming that I’m over it and it’s unimportant. I just really want to feel how I felt when he was diagnosed if that makes sense? I want the numbness to go away so badly!!
This post is just what I needed today…
My sister-in-love is dealing with terminal breast cancer. We moved her into the house next to us January and have been taking care of her since. I often feel that it is my “job” to take care of business while the rest of the family is falling apart. I have such a hard time showing emotions and often feel “cold.” We met with hospice yesterday, and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders… yet, numbness and lack of tears prevail. Your blog is comforting to me. In time, and in my own way, I will experience this loss. Thank you for making me feel a little more normal and less alone.
You’re very welcome Cathrine.
Sending you so much love
K
xx
Hi Lucy,
I’m so glad you’ve realised you aren’t the only one! Numbness is very very common.
Beware of the wish to feel in great pain again. There is huge social expectation and pressure in our society to be in pain after a death – that often people create greater pain and stay in greater pain…because the social concern is so strong of what they think that are supposed to feel. Staying in pain and allowing those we love to become (and stay) agonising memories is definitely not the best way we can honour them,.
Honour what you feel – whatever it is – even if it isn’t what you expect. If people did this their experience of death would often be very different. Just let yourself feel…whatever it is you are feeling…even if that feeling is numbness.
Sending you much love,
K
xx
My fiance died 15 days ago. I know what happened. I’ve told the story a hundred times. He went to the store a few blocks from the house. Coming Home when a car pulled out in front of the motorcycle. He died instantly. I was at work. I got the phone call to go to the hospital. I still can’t believe he is gone. I know he is. I had the wake. I have his ashes. But I can’t wrap my head around the thought that he’s not coming home. We have 6 kids between us. Our 2 1/2 year old, 6, 7, 10, 16, and 19 year old. We had so many plans for the future. He was my heart, my strength, my security, and my best friend. We had had a bit of a rough patch in our relationship but that was behind us and things were going extremely well. Planning the wedding and future. But now I just feel lost, numb, empty. Alone. I don’t cry. I go about my”normal” activities. Work etc. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t understand somehow what is and has happened. How my life can be like this now. I still wait for him to come home. This had been our home for 4 years. Everyone tells me to move. But I can’t. Somehow feel I need to be here so he will know where I am. I miss him so much. Bit I still haven’t cried. I just feel empty. I feel like I have to be strong for him and everyone else. How could he leave me. Three days before the accident he had sent me a text telling me that I was the strongest most beautiful woman in the world and he’d always be by my side. Days before we had a small disagreement and he told me he’d never leave me. But he did and now I have to try to figure everything put myself. I need him and he is not here. Is what I’m feeling “normal”? What do I do. Is this it? Am I ever going to understand what is happening.
I’m writing this to thank you for posting this blog. I found out yesterday that my father committed suicide. while the family knew he was suffering from ptsd (3 tours to Iraq and Afghanistan) we didn’t know how bad he was hurting. You could talk to him about anything and he gave you wonderful advice. he could make a stranger feel like they were a long time family member. his death came out of the blue (while my mom was at the library. she came home and found him)
when I initially got the phone call I went absolutely ballistic and then this eerie calm has settled over me and I feel nothing.
I just want to know why I feel this way. My dad was my hero and my best friend.
My beloved father died three weeks ago, suddenly, aged 88, he went as he wanted at home and peacefully in his sleep, i feel numb, i had to be the strong one and dealt with all the arrangements, im now back home ( i live in a different country from my parents) i feel like a stone, no tears just numb…….. I know im stressed, i wake shaking and so many ailments are surfacing…….. I loved my dad so much he was my hero……. am i building for a big crack up? I dont normally deal with death good, when my friends have died in the past i have been a wreck, when a close friend died 13 years ago i lost a year of my life, turning to drugs and vodka 🙁
I seem fine so strong and yet as i said like a stone….. I am sleeping ok just so worried that im building for a major crisis, how can i deal with this? I keep brimming over silly things, like a hired car being returned as i left the Uk, a stray dog, leaves falling from a tree……
I keep doing stupid things yesturday my 4×4 rear windscreen was smashed by a huge log, my fault totally, im scared to drive as i loose huge stretches of road, i drift off……
Im home alone, very very remote, 6 horses and 9 dogs to look after, my husband works away 🙁
Im so scared that this is devoloping into something dark 🙁
Please help XXXXXXX
Hi Kari, get in touch directly with me for a chat – kristie@kristiewest.com
K
xx
My mom just died 3 days ago and I am feeling nothing/and or numb. I’m glad I read your blog because i didn’t know why I wasn’t crying. I know I love her and will miss her. I hope I’m not a cold selfish person. I watched my family sob, as I did nothing.
Hi Joy,
I’m glad you got in touch. As I say in this post, everyone reacts differently…and how many tears you cry (or not) is no indication of your love for the person who died or your feelings about their death. It could very well just be shock or numbness or a number of other things. There is no ‘normal’ because everyone is different so please don’t look at your family and think you are supposed to be doing what they are doing. For most of the 6 months after my dad (and the other 5) died you virtually couldn’t have squeezed a tear out of me if you tried. Everyone is different and the best thing you can do is be very gentle and loving with yourself and let this experience right now be what it is. When the time comes when you want to work through it I can certainly help you…but right now just let whatever feelings you are having (or not having) happen. Beating yourself up about your experience only makes things harder and you don’t need that.
Sending much love,
Kristie
A good friend of mine did a stupid thing and was shot by police. I was out of town at the time and thought maybe I wasn’t feeling anything because I was far away and with family who didn’t know him. I couldn’t stop reading the newspaper reports and trying to comprehend what happened. Now I’m home and still feel nothing. None of us can figure out what really happened because it is so far from who he was. Anyway, the memorial is next week and since he’s been cremated, I don’t know that I will ever be able to accept it because his name wasn’t in the news reports and I won’t be able to actually see him so there is nothing really concrete for me to prove it was him. When my grandmother died, even though she was 103 years old, it didn’t hit me till I came home and saw her at the viewing. I want to cry and be upset and work through but I really feel nothing except confusion. Could it be that since I’m clinically depressed already, the antidepressants are keeping me from feeling anything? I’m a little afraid that if and when it finally hits I won’t be able to control it. Thanks for listening.
i lost my brother a little over 2 months now, we were close and spent quite some time with each other, and though i have cried at first (the first week or so) i’ve been having to force myself to cry in front of other people becausre i thaught that i had become heartless. after reading your post i know that that is not the case, but i also have flashes of anxiety, anger and a lot of guilt, i’m fifteen and my brother was 18 i’m very scared of what the future has in store for me an i almost dont know how to feel wich is also very scare to me.
Hi, thanks for the information you’ve provided it’s very helpful, in my case it is extra strange, my father passed away a year ago, he was the dearest to me all my life since I was a child, I used to always cry and worry about him when he went to work or out, if he was late, it was like the end of the world to me, i was so famous for that in the hole family used to make fun of me for that (of course there were no mobile phones back then to make sure he was all right), since i was a teenager i had to travel to other countries to study and i used to suffer and cry so much for that, but it had to happen, my mother was not so nice to him and I hated her for that, and in the past few years i used to tell her if anything happened to him I’ll never forgive you and I used to feel so sad about his life. I moved to a far country away from my him 6 months before he died, by the way he was 77 when he died and i cannot express how healthy he was, people used to give him 60 only, when I moved away the last time I was 47 so i did not cry of course just felt this pain which was not major since I was really depressed in the country i was living in, same where he was, a week before I heard that he became sick with cancer (he was very healthy up to then and it just struck suddenly), I had a dream that he died and in the dream i was going crazy, crying griefing and telling everyone that there were a lot of things i wanted to tell him still, so when i walk up i felt such a relief and called him few times that day, when i heard after a week that he became sick and did not behave normally anymore by getting confused and not knowing people around him properly, i cried and raged, then i travelled to see him, he knew me when he saw me and cried, since that point i went numb, laughing and joking while poor him sitting there confused, then while burying it’s just like barring a thing, not my beloved father, i was then forcing my tears to come down only because i didn’t want people to think I didn’t love him, and since then, nothing, no feelings for him, no sadness, nothing, although I’ve always been very very emotional, when my grandmothers died a couple of years back at a very old age I cried a lot and felt so confused, I feel really sad that I cannot feel the same for my father, I feel that i owe him this, I feel that I betrayed him for not feeling anything about his death. please make me understand why, people said to me it will come out in 6 months from the day he died, well it’s been a year now and nothing.
By the way i’ve been on anti-depressant tablets for the past 3 years because i was so depressed in the country i was living in.
Also, I’m married since 18 years and have two boys, 17 and 12, my relationship with my wife never went well, a lot of arguments.
Sorry for the lengthy writing.
Hope to hear from you very soon.
Thanks and regards.
Hi H.B.,
There is no right and wrong or normal and abnormal…just people’s expectations. People will sometimes tell you when it will ‘come up’ for you if it hasn’t already…but how can anyone predict that? We are all very different and process our experiences and emotions in very different ways. Don’t listen to any of that…it really is unhelpful nonsense, though usually from very well-meaning people.
Your anti-depressants could very be a factor if you feel like there is emotion that needs to be expressed but isn’t. Antidepressants tend to numb emotions – that is their point really – and from working in mental health years ago and observing depressed clients who were medicated, it is likely that your medication also creates a barrier to experiencing whatever strong feelings (negative or positive) you have inside of you.
If you aren’t feeling like their are bottled up feelings inside you then that’s ok. If however you can actually feel the bottled-up pressure of emotion then it is great to find ways to let your body release that as it really doesn’t want to store all that. Sometimes thinking about the death or death in general can be a bit too challenging…so watching movies that bring tears to your eyes (whether from sadness, inspiration, or from something touching) can be great. It doesn’t matter what brings up the tears or feelings and whether they are even related to thoughts of your dad’s death….your body will use any opportunity it gets to release the pressure if it needs to.
I hope this helps,
K
xxx
Hi Laurie,
I’m reposting something to you that I just posted in response to a similar question.
There is no right and wrong or normal and abnormal…just people’s expectations. There is no normal way to express yourself and it is a common myth that we should and will all be expressing ourselves through tears and pain immediately. People process this experience very differently, some with pain and tears, some with numbness and confusion, some even with peace and euphoria (though, these rarely express it out loud and it is considered abnormal or ‘wrong’ unfortunately). Don’t listen to any of the expectations of what you ‘should’ be feeling…it really is unhelpful nonsense, though usually from very well-meaning people.
Your anti-depressants could very be a factor if you feel like there is emotion that needs to be expressed but isn’t. Antidepressants tend to numb emotions – that is their point really – and from working in mental health years ago and observing depressed clients who were medicated, it is likely that your medication also creates a barrier to experiencing whatever strong feelings (negative or positive) you have inside of you.
If you aren’t feeling like their are bottled up feelings inside you then that’s ok. Don’t worry about wanting to cry and be upset. Maybe it hasn’t come yet…maybe it won’t. Just let yourself feel WHATEVER you are feeling…even if that is just confusion and numbness. Just be with it and don’t judge it. It’s where you need to be right now. It might change, it might not – all you have to do (at least for the first couple of months) is to let it happen. After that, if you wish to work through and totally change this experience, then I am here to help.
K
xx
I hope this helps,
K
xxx
Hi
I came across this forum when i was searching about grief. I am 40 and my mum passed away just over 2 weeks ago. She had end stage copd and got a chest infection which turned to pneumonia. We were very close and I am her only child. I had been caring for her more and more over recent months and was told about 2 months ago that she would die within a year but i didn’t expect it to be so soon. We had xmas planned as we thought it would be her last one but sadly she didn’t get to spend it with us. I have hardly cried and am just going through the motions. I have been so busy since she died sorting everything out on my own and i finished emptying her house yesterday. I cried today but i think it was more through exhaustion than grief. My son and my friends all cried at the funeral but i didnt. I feel ashamed as though maybe i am cold and unfeeling.
I was almost halfway through my pregnancy and went to the doctor for my normal checkup and found out there was no heartbeat. I of course was devastated. Well i wanted to be induced instead of having the vacuum thing because i wanted my baby to be loved amd hugged by me and his whole family. Well i delivered a week and 2 days ago. When i delivered him o was so in shock at how much i loved this baby that i didn’t even get to know. I have a 4 yr old and love him so much its indescribable and when i had this baby in my arms i loved him just as much as i love.my 4 yr old which i never thought was possible. The first couple of days after i had him i was pretty much a basket case. Then i woke up the third day and felt nothing. I just dont het it. I know i loved him so much and there is no way that just went away. I hold the urn that his ashes are in and look at his pictures and feel nothing. I want to feel something. This makes me feel like a terrible mom. I know my baby is ok in Gods arms but i should be crying like all the time. It is my baby for Gods sake
Kristie,
I came across this blog searching for information on grief. I’m glad I did.
In your post, you mention that your ex took the brunt of your anger. My question is, how do you stop from doing that?
I lost my mom almost 7 weeks ago to cancer. In addition to the loss, there have been arguments with family & other complications that I won’t go into in a public forum. I cried the day she passed. And once in the shower the following week. But that’s it. I’ve had a lot of hard times in life & I’ve become accustomed to isolating myself in my grief & not showing it outwardly, for the most part.
However, I think my grief is manifesting itself outwardly in other ways. One minute I’m fine, laughing & talking with my husband & kids. The next I’m silent & retreat into myself. I’ve also been having a hard time with my husband. While I was fine before my mom’s health took a turn for the worse, I’m suddenly now feeling unloved & unwanted. Unfortunately for him, that means lots of nagging & whining about him not holding my hand, not having enough sex, etc. Neither of us have ever really been the “touchy-feely” type (we sit together on the couch, but don’t hold hands or hug & kiss all the time) but suddenly I am treating him like something is wrong with him for not doing it.
It’s very difficult because I often feel like it’s the loss that is making me feel this way. But other times, I feel like this is something that may have been bothering me for a while & I didn’t realize it. I just don’t know how to tell the difference. I’m concerned that if it continues, I’ll push him so far away, there will be no recovering.
My mom & I were very close. We were best friends. This is something I would normally call & talk out with her and the fact that I can’t is also making it worse. I have tried talking to my husband about it, telling him about my complicated feelings. But I can’t get the words right & I just end up confusing both of us.
Things would be so much easier if I could just cry & move forward.
Thanks for this post & for letting me vent. 🙂
I found this website , and it helps. I flew to Seattle to be with my best friend who was having a tough time with his father’s death. He had no fmaily, so i needed to be there for him as emotoional support . In an irronic twist of fate, i got a call from my sister hours after the service and burial of my frineds father. My own father, who was also in Seattle, was just pronounced dead. I was rather numb for as momment, went to bathroom and composed myself. For the next days in Seattle and back home i did not cry. My wife wept all the way home on the plane.
I had an unusaul relationship with my Dad. It was almost a love-hate reltionship. Mostly i felt i never lived up to his expectations. He was a “mans man” and never showed signs of emotion. I, on the other hand, tend to be a little emotional. My son, his grandson, is very emotional. Kowing me, my wife and sister became concerned that i was not greiving as they expected. They dreaded the day Dad died and my reaction. Here is what i think.
Dad, who i loved and respected was the Dad of the family. He was the rock. He would tell us to ” man up” . I think I feel as though I have to man-up now, for my family. I suspect i will break down at some point, and i will be by myself. The good news I know i have a family that loves me. I do not think they need me to be the rock, But i think it is a form or transfereance of some kind. Thank you having this website, it helps me feel better about not feeling,
Hi, I was reading your posts and they were interesting and helpful. Although there is still a part of me that doubts, and believes my heart is cold, because i don’t think i ever went through a grieving process.
My father passed away 3 years ago, and all through his sickness with cancer and until now i still hardly felt much at all. Occasionally at odd times I would pass by certain things that would remind me of him, how he helped me with something, or suffered. At those times, there was some sighing in my heart. I had some dreams of him, and a couple times at night shed a few tears, but compared to everyone else i was emotionless. My family didn’t understand me and made comments that unintentionally were hurtful. months after his death i thought a lot about this. Why did i not connect with my dad all these years enough to mourn his death. Then six months later being as i was indifferent, i entered into a relationship that lasted a month and a half. I think i had fallen in love with a guy that in the end rejected me. The pain of losing that relationship was a greater pain than anything i have ever felt. It wasn’t just my bruised ego, but i really felt a loss that lasted 3 years. Sometimes i wonder whether the two situations are connected. I had a tiny thought that maybe on some unconscious level i was grieving the loss of my dad too. Im not really sure, i guess that is deep stuff.
Again just a couple days ago my two year old niece died a tragic accidental death, and i am the same as i was with my dad. she had an injury to her head and was in the emergency room. Her mother and father were crying over her in a state of shock, while my niece had already passed away. All that, and all i could do was call the priest, give them an emotionless hug, and just sit there with them. I felt very uncomfortable and in a sense unworthy of being there with them at this moment. I didn’t want to hug them because i feared they would sense my lack of emotion and be hurt. Maybe this is what others have felt too. It helps to know that i am not alone in this, at least i think.
Dear Kristie,
My sister passed away two days ago. I cried the day it happened and the day after but yesterday and today, I haven’t cried at all. I just feel tired. And I don’t sleep much. But usually I always cry but even when I’m alone or thinking about her, I don’t cry. I don’t feel any tears. I get sad and upset but no tears come. I’ve ever reacted to a death in the family this way before.
Hi
My bf passed away Feb 1,2014 he was the love of my life I’m still in love with him. He died in a freak accident when I first found out the first few days I was a mess I couldn’t think straight all I did was cry all day but after the first week I stopped crying I feel numb. I feel guilty because I’m not hurting as much as his sister or a mutual close friend we had, I’ve been comforting them and when they ask how am I, I say ok because I have been ok but I don’t know why I should be a mess I lost not only my boyfriend but my best friend as well. He meant the world to me. We had plans for the future he was young he was only 21 and the way he died was tragic and yet I’m feeling nothing I’m just numb I feel like I’m cold hearted or something. I don’t know what’s going on please help me.
Hi Nelly, as I say in this article – it is perfectly normal to feel all sorts of things, including complete numbness. It is no sign at all of how you feel about your boyfriend and it certainly doesn’t show anything about the type of person you are. You aren’t cold-hearted at all, just numb. This isn’t strange or abnormal – many of the other comments on this page will show you that. If you want some help you can contact me directly at kristie@kristiewest.com
K
xx
Hi Kristie,
I came across this blog when I googled this question and it made me feel so much better about the way I was responding to my death of my best friend’s husband. A few weeks before I had to put our dog to sleep and again I wasn’t a blubbering mess, but I did tear up as soon as the doctor told me he was gone. I also cried a little watching my best friend tell her daughters that their father had gone to be with Jesus. I am just not one to have huge emotional outbursts very often. I guess in these situations I always feel I have to be strong for everyone else. My friend’s husband had cancer for 8 years, and the last 2 were very difficult with bone marrow transplants and many stays in the hospital. She also has her own health issues and a daughter with learning disabilities as well, so she had a lot on her plate. The last few weeks I could see that she was becoming more and more depressed and really didn’t know if she had it in her to keep going. I even wondered if her body would be the one to break down first. Now, I have known this man for over 20 years and he was one of those people that everyone liked with a great sense of humor. He often made many jokes about his illness even while in the hospital. So, I am very sad that he is not with us anymore, but at the same time I think it was maybe his time and now my friend can get a bit of a break and have somewhat of a normal life while her daughters are still teenagers. Yes, they will miss him, but the stress and strain of his illness is no longer in that house so maybe I am both relieved for her and sad that he is gone at the same time. I am not sure. I was starting to feel guilty about those feelings, but after reading this blog I think I don’t feel as bad. I have shed a few tears, yes, but the one’s he left behind are the ones I am most concerned with. I want their life to be healthy and stress free. I know that he is in a better place and not in pain anymore. Thanks for letting me know that it’s OK to not be a crier! 🙂
You’re very welcome TJ. I’m glad it helped. xxx
Reading this has really helped me understand that I am not the only one who feels this way. My mum passed a week ago after been ill for the past year. And the only time I cried was at the hospital but even then it was only a few tears. I think I knew in my own head that she wouldn’t recover but I haven’t really cried since. I was really close to my mum and I do miss her a lot but it feels like I didn’t care as I haven’t broke down in floods of tears even when arranging the funeral and collecting the death certificate. I have been sleeping and eating ok and able to carry on as normal. I think it might be with her telling me not to be sad and that she didn’t want me to be sad. Is this normal???
Hi Kristie
My sister has been going through treatment for stage 4 bowel cancer for over a year and I though she was getting better. However, the cancer has returned aggressively and she has been given only a couple of weeks to live. I come from a family of ten and she is the eldest and always been a great support to us all. I idolised her when I was younger and admire the beautiful mother, wife and grandmother she is. When I was told my sitster was surprised that I did not break down in a flood of tears, unlike my other siblings. This is unusual for me as I am the youngest and always been considered the soft hearted/feeling one. I feel little emotion, a few tears at the hospital is all. I know what is in front of me but feel detached. My only excuse is that my husband has just gone through open heart surgery, I’ve started a new high profile job and having been feeling very low – depression? Could this be why I feel this way? My reaction is so unlike me? I am worried that as things get closer I may fall completely apart and don’t know what to do. I even feel uncomfortable being in the same room with her at the moment and find excuses to leave. Am I being selfish? Feeling lost!
My dad passed away from cancer 2 weeks ago. Reading your blog has made me feel somewhat normal. When the oncologist told us he had only had a few months to live, I was beyond devastated. But now that it has happened, I feel nothing. Even though I was with him when he passed, it still doesnt feel real. I want to grieve and feel the pain, but cant open that part of me to do so. I pray my dad knows that I miss and love him, but I still feel like he’s in hospital. The only moment that I truly felt some pain, was when I saw him in the coffin. And then it just disappeared
Thank you for a great read. Just what I needed at this time.
Hi Shelly,
You aren’t being selfish – if you don’t show yourself a lot of love, look after yourself and your needs first, then you are far less helpful to you sister and everyone else anyway. You can only deal with where you are at right now and be very gentle on yourself. You can’t know what will happen next for you…maybe you’ll fall apart, maybe not…you can deal with that when the time comes – in the same way, by showing yourself a great deal of love and care.
Don’t push yourself to feel anything now that you aren’t feeling. This could all be because there is so much on your plate – maybe that’s it, maybe not.
This blog is on a slightly diff topic but still relates to what you are saying….http://kristiewest.com/2011/03/28/the-perfect-thing-to-say-and-the-thing-you-must-never-say-what-to-say-to-someone-who-has-lost-their-mum-or-dad-or-anyone-close-to-them/
K
xx
hi ive just lost my dad and nan this year and dont think i can cope any more i dont know what to do i find it very difficult to carry on my daily routine
Hi Michael,
feel free to get in touch with me directly for a chat – kristie@kristiewest.com
xxx
Hi Kristie,
I just lost my grandma 9 days ago. Her visitation was 4 days ago, and the funeral was 3 days ago. The day I got the news I was already having a bad day (at work). When my mom told me that she had passed, I told my mom that I was so emotional that I needed to call back later because I was nowhere near composed enough to have a conversation. I cried very hard for the rest of the night and hardly slept at all. The next few days and nights followed basically the same pattern, me crying profusely and waking up in the middle of the night thinking about her and crying then too. I talked to my boyfriend ALOT about her on Saturday on the drive out to her viewing and funeral, still crying and very upset. During the viewing I had a very strong sense that I wanted to be near her and not let go even though I knew it wasn’t her anymore. Her death was very sudden for me because I talked to her 3 days before she died. So when I got the news it didn’t feel real especially since I had just spoken to her. At her viewing, funeral and interment, I cried very hard and was extremely upset. I also visited her grave the day after the funeral to bring her flowers ( I used to bring her flowers in the hospital every time she got sick because she loved flowers) and to say goodbye one last time before I left the state. I felt very guilty because she had been very sick over the last year or so and I didn’t have the resources to visit her in person while she was sick. I loved her very much and we were very close. The day we had to leave to come back home I was scared to leave because I felt I would really (physically) have to let her go even though I wasn’t ready to yet. Ever since I have been home I have felt a sort of disconnect from the whole event and haven’t been able to cry, which makes me upset because I know I’m very sad about losing her. I have PTSD so I know what it feels like to be numb and what your body goes through to protect itself after trauma. I have had bad back pain since coming back home, so I know it’s the emotional stress being released in another way but I find it extremely frustrating that I feel numb. I loved my grandma so much and I want to call her every day even though I know she can’t answer. I feel frustrated that I can’t cry and release the feelings that are being numbed right now. I’m having a hard time not being mad at myself for feeling this way. I feel very physically disconnected from her death since her funeral took place out of state and I am wondering if this has to do with the numbness. Is there anything I can do to help this part of the process?
Hi Aaaron,
I think the best thing you can do is be very kind to yourself right now and be open to whatever feelings come up….including the numbness. It can very well be a protective measure but that may be what you need right now. This may change totally tomorrow…and as long as you are open to letting yourself feel whatever comes (be it sadness, happiness, numbness, or anything else that may or may not come up) you will allow yourself to feel it. Don’t try to stop any feelings, nor to force them. People can often think they are meant to feel much sadder than they do and want to force it – but many times that just isn’t what is going on for them…and the most loving thing they can do for themselves is to just let it be what it is.
So close to her death my best advice would be to take very good care of yourself, be open to whatever comes or doesn’t come, and try some journalling of you want a way to explore your feelings a little more.
K
xx
I know exactly how you feel Marianne. 11 days ago my Dad died and when he was diagnosed with cancer on March 15th this year (on the anniversary of my younger Sister’s death) I sobbed for days. However even as I sit here alone at nearly 1 in the morning, no tears will come. I saw his body two hours after his passing and again yesterday and cried briefly with shock but I just feel numbness the rest of the time. I am wondering whether for me it is because I lost my Sister at 41 and so I am just accepting my Dad’s death but he was still so young and my inspiration and I adored him. My Mum is in pieces so I have made all the funeral arrangements and am doing all the paperwork so maybe my time to grieve will come later but I am really hoping I’m not back at work when that happens as I’m scared I won’t be able to cope.
As you say though, it is good to know that I am not alone.
Karen
Hi Kristie,
I just read this post and I want to thank you for it from the bottom of my heart. I lost my mother on May 20th, and I really feel numb and guilty that I feel this way. She has Dementia with a behavioral disturbance. She was difficult in the end and because she smacked my daughter I kept sway from her from November until May. I heard she was ill and I had a family member ask her if I could visit. She said she would love it. I went to see her and told her I loved her veryuch. She told me she loved me too. I saw her several times over the next 3 weeks up until her death. When I was younger I dreaded the day that she died and worried about it. I didn’t thonkbicwould live through it when it happened. I lost my dad in 2008 and grieved hard. I yelled, screamed and cried for days and days. Could this grief have been for both of them? Maybe my Lexapro also contributes to the numbness. I’ve also been very busy with her estate. Thank you for listening.
Kelly you are so welcome. And yes absolutely medication designed to bring in the limits of our emotions will also possibly keep us more numb than usual…but that isn’t to say thats not how you would have felt anyway. We have no way of knowing. And yes your feelings after your dad’s death could well have related to both your parents (and even other things as well. Death brings up so much of our own ‘stuff’ too!).
Don’t feel guilty – it’s totally ok to feel numb, relieved, even happy – all the things that we are told aren’t usually associated with a death, but that many people feel. On a path to true healing it is really important to be able to honestly admit whatever you are feeling because until you can do that you can’t work through it. Keep being honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and why. 🙂
Kristie
xx
My mom died Oct. 10th from brain and lung cancer. She fought for two years and she was only 45 when she passed. She was my best friend. The only person I really had my entire life. And it’s been 9 months and I’m still numb. I got married on the 6th of this month (July) and I was so happy and yet all I could think about was that I wished mom could have been there. But every time I had that thought I just shut down. Tomorrow, were finally burying her ashes. And I’m worried that it will hit me then.
hello Kristie my name is Aditya and i am from India.15 days ago my grandmother died unexpectedly and from that day on my mom isn’t feeling well she cries and says no one loves her and she wants to go to her as well what should i do help me
Hi Aditya,
There are a couple of thing I’d need to ask before I can suggest appropriate advice for you and your mum. Send me an email at kristie@kristiewest.com xxx
Hi kirstie, my name is Sarah & I woke this morning thinking why am not crying for my father, he is in a hospice and has just days to live. I have been like this weeks and it’s been bugging me, so I thought I’m going to read up and see if this is normal. Your blog really helped me to understand whats going on. I sit by his bed holding his hand and my mum is sobbing and my sister is doing the same and yet I seem to be the quiet one, just thinking how special he is and how much I am going to miss him but I know this is and will end soon and he will no longer be in pain.
I have been feeling guilty because I’m not showing emotions like everyone else but now I understand why. I have been the one calling members of the family giving them updates and I hear them sobbing down the phone but I just say I’m sorry to pass on this news and we look forward to seeing you soon. I have been told that I am dealing with it all really well and that I am strong. But I don’t feel strong and I feel pain in my heart and I have had a little tear here and there but nothing like I thought I would react.
I suppose I am surprised because I reacted so differently when I had three miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies some years back, I sobbed for weeks and even had a little depression after but this is different, I feel calmer in a way, it seems odd.
Anyway, it’s good to share this with you and would be interested in your thoughts.
Thank you
Sarah
My father just passed away on July 28 2014. He was 90 and had been ill from dementia for 1 1/2 years and had been in the hospital for the 3 weeks. The last week of his life he had stopped eating and drinking and basically slept…almost comatose. We watched him lose weight becoming almost skeletal right before he died. We cried…a lot…we couldn’t understand why this sweet and gentle man who had been such a great father and husband was allowed to waste away…it was heart breaking and tore at our hearts. We were at the hospital every day and he woke up on the 24th to say his goodbyes (even though he couldn’t talk). We realized that he wasn’t suffering…it was all of us watching him who were. My mother was with him when he passed and that was as it should be. Yes, we all cried a lot but now my mother, sister and I have numbness and we couldn’t understand why…we almost felt guilty. I’m glad that I came across this article because now I know what we are feeling is a natural process. We still have our moments but the numbness almost acts as a protective shield to help us with the passing of Dad and what you wrote only verified this. Thank you….I will be forwarding this to both to my mother and sister.
You’re very welcome Bev xxx
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for sharing.
Every death is different, sans something different to us, and brings up totally different things in us…hence we can predict what each death will be like for us…no matter how many have happened in our death before.
It’s no reflection at all on your love for your dada or whether he meant more, less, or the same as the other deaths.
The one thing that stands out to me is how you’ve slipped into the job of notifying everyone. When we take on a ‘managing’ type of role we can slip into that and put everything else on the back burner – thats what happened to me.
Does that make sense?
xx
I lost my husband of 19 yrs and father of our 5 children on June 20. I have been numb since his diagnosis of metastatic melanoma in March. I w as his primary caregiver and stayed in hospital and hospice with him the last three weeks of his life. How long is too long to be numb?
Hi Kathleen,
there is no set time. One thing to think about is whether it still feels like numbness. Some people process death very differently and sometimes very gracefully so they don’t react as they might have expected – which is different to numbness.
But if it still does feel like numbness then trust that for now. It doesn’t need to be pushed or forced. Though if you are feeling like emotions need to be released (you’ll know what I mean if this is you – you can feel the tension/stress in your body)the body does not want to hold anything in and it can do physical harm. If this is the case then watching movies that encourage emotions in you can help – whether that is movies around death, sad movies, inspirational or funny movies. Feel free to contact me directly if you want some further recommendations.
Kristie
x
Last week my sister’s new born passed away after she experienced complications in her pregnancy. As a family we have already gave him a name before he was born and he was my sister’s first child. I couldn’t cry or grieve as I was busy with the arrangements since im the only one working in the family. Now everything has passed n I feel alone, numb and stressed. I feel like I’m not ready to meet anyone who will ask me about everything. And I keep on wondering how is my sister dealing with the loss since we not staying together.
The person I love the most (my father) died 14 years ago. I felt numb the whole week,,didn’t cry a bit and was even smiling and telling jokes in his wake. Coz my father has a wicked sense of humor so we were re-telling his jokes and pranks. Then at his funeral, when i saw his coffin on the ground slowly being covered,, i suddenly cry,,,and i can’t stop it anymore. first time i felt an overwhelming grief and it’s taking over me. and that night i develop a very high fever 40D C for 2 days. So I guess that’s the reason why I felt numb. The grief is just too much for me.
I buried my fiance in march, our daughter was only 2 months old. I cried a little at the funeral but ever since then I haven’t shed another tear.. We had been together for 6 yrs, and on the 14th of march 2014 he just disappeared, 6 days later he was found dead, floating in a river. I recall the whole traumatic experience of being called to the scene to identify him, and having to run around arranging the funeral. Surprisingly, I have never felt like breaking down into tears, part of me knows he’s gone but most of me still feels like he’s just somewhere and will come back one day. My entire family is scared about how I’m handling this, they are scared it will hit hard one day and I won’t be able to handle it. But I ask myself how can I grief when I can’t even feel that he’s dead? Once in a while I get flashbacks of seeing his dead body lying there in the river, but no emotions whatsoever.
My dad died in April and I didn’t make it to the hospital before he passed. When I walked in to find he had already died. I felt weird like a cold breeze blew over me and I felt nothing at all. I still feel like this today . It’s been said I’m not normal or just don’t care.. I love my dad and miss him . I am not prepared to go to the cemetery or talk about him with my family. I just go somewhere in my mind where I know they are talking but it makes no sense to me .. I really feel bad that I seem to be the only one of us that isn’t crying . I do have p t s d from a incident that happened years ago and I’m in thearpy but still I feel like this . Any help or suggestions would be great
Thanks was very helpful. Have just lost my dad and eve though we weren’t close I feel rely guilty about my reaction towards his death. The funeral is Monday and I am reading a page of his words which he left for me to read. Whilst this is an honour it’s also something I am really apprehensive about.
This has helped me a lot! My grandad died 2 days ago and im carrying on as normal. We were very very close and i thought it wasnt normal that i wasnt crying or thinking about it. It just doesnt seem real. I think its because i cant get my head around it. Thanks for helping!
You’re welcome Chelsea 🙂 xxx
I lost my best friend, my boss and my job all in one. I was so devastated and my cooping mechanism has always been to go numb and i mean a debilating numb which completely removes any in love feelings. After sexual abuse at a young age I learned how to disassociate myself. This loss stirred up everything that i had tried to bury. i pushed away the one person i love and i isolated myself from him and everyone. Its been a lil over a year now since the loss and about 6 months since my boyfriend and i were together. I have put the pieces back together and i am trying to reconnect with him and make him understand that i did not have control over this numbness. After i healed of course all my feelings came back. How do i make him understand? Any suggestions?
My dad just over 2 weeks ago. He wasn’t ill at all. Just collapsed a my brothers house. It was my brothers birthday too…
I managed to get to him just as that ambulance arrived, but he was insisting he felt fine!
We talked him into going and I went to my parents to gather some over night things.. Luckily I arrived at the hospital in time …although he was (by then) unconscious.
I begged them to help him as he was moving his head and arms. They said there was nothing they could do. I broke down.
What’s worrying me is- I haven’t cried since… not even in the funeral car.
I loved him dearly..and he was the one that made everyone laugh..My mind has registered he’s not here..and asked ‘who’s gonna make us laugh now?’
But that’s it… I can’t comprehend my reaction at all…
Hi Kristie — this is a well thought out, intriguing article. I thought I was dealing with my mother’s death “abrnormally”, but I see that I’m not. My situation was that I felt very sad during the last three years of her life — we’ve always been very close. And the worst part building up to her death was that I thought I wouldn’t make it when she passed on…that I would totally fall apart and die of grief. I was blessed to be at her death bed when she took her last breath — and encouraged her to “let go and go to the light.” I was there with her when I swear that she saw eternity, and took her last breath. She knew I was there and I asked her to hold on to her life until I could reach her. My brother, sis-in-law and I handled her funeral, and made sure that all she requested to happen, happened. I gave her Eulogy, comforted her grandchildren, took care, along with my brother, her “estate”, and waited. And waited…I thought to myself, “now maybe I’ll fall apart.” But I didn’t …. I came back to my own life, and although I’m somewhat low energy, I am not unhappy. Maybe she’s just with me in death as she was in life — maybe because I feel a profound relief in knowing she is with her husband again, and her favorite sister. Maybe I’m suffering from PTSD, and will collapse with grief in a few weeks or months. Maybe not. I just wish I knew…but I’m holding my breath and waiting for the holidays and hoping I get through them. My mother was a beloved member of a close family — so many people feel her loss, and she meant so much to so many. But where is this grieving I’m supposed to go through? Did much of it take place before she died –? She often told me she was tired and “ready to go.” So in the end, I made sure she knew it was all right that she did. Well, that’s all I have to say…thank you for writing your article. Any feedback from you would be much appreciated.
My father died 2 1/2 weeks ago and I don’t feel sad, I am numb,. My father had cancer but he died from fluid. I go about my daily life, after he died I was so busy planning his funeral and cleaning out his high rise apartment( they give you 14 days)
I was strong for his viewing and thought I would be strong for his funeral, as soon as I said goodbye before the closed the casket, that was it I couldn’t stop crying, all through the mass and at the cemetery, my father had full military honors, and when they played taps and presented me with his flag the tears wouldn’t stop, they were falling on the flag, but afterwards now that things calmed down, I feel very numb, I won’t allow myself to think about him, my kids and I talk about him.
My mom also had cancer and when I found out I cried for 2 weeks straight, I couldn’t eat or sleep, my mom died 9 months after being diagnosed, she died in Dec 2010, I also had to plan her funeral as my father was to distraught, I am the only child and as I was planning it in my head it was for someone else, A few weeks after her funeral my cousin said how are you, I said I’m ok, I said you know your mind is a very powerful thing, I said my mom can be anywhere I want her to be, she can be laying on the beach somewhere, or on a long cruise, he at that time was very worried about me, about 3 months after her death I was alone and I heard a song and that was it I got angry and punched the wall, and I cried for 3 hours straight, and since then I still grieve 4 years later, my mom was only 63 when she died, now with my fathers death I think I am doing the same thing.
This is exactly what I am feeling. I lost my mother 4 days ago and I always thought that if I lost my mom u would break down and die myself. But it’s happened and I didn’t even cry today. I love my mom w all my heart, and I lost my father last year and I always use that as an excuse for my numbness w my mom. I miss her dearly and sometimes wonder if I am still in a denial stage. I’m scared it’s going to come down on me hard when I’m least expecting it. I’m scared. …
Wow, well said. And yes, I found this blog because my mother died recently, October 8th 2014, and I feel no sense of loss, grief, pain or suffering and was wondering if I was ok. I mean, my mom died right here in my house, in my arms, and I was calm as a cucumber. I bathed her, dressed her, did her hair and nails and had a 11 hour private wake all by my self with just me and mom while I waited for morning to come and for the funeral home to come get her. She had been sick for 8 months and was paralyzed. Well, not really sick, my younger brother is a drunk and he beat her up and put her in the hospital. She never walked or talked again. He is in prison right now, which I did too with no remorse or empathy for him which surprises me too because he was my baby brother and my 1st baby and my first love experience. Anyway, I took care of mom mom during that 8 months by myself so in my mind you would think that emotion would hit me like a ton of bricks, but it didn’t and still hasn’t. But, two days after the funeral I went into my garage and build a magnificent, very detailed, trimmed out, beautiful, top of the line work bench that the garage was dyer need of. I call it my mom’s work bench because I contribute all that energy and focus as something that was actually coming from her. That I was releasing in my own way. But that was it. That was the most and the extent of my reaction. I even almost threw all of her clothes away but stopped myself thinking I may want to grieve over them one day. Ya think?
This article is so very true.
My mum passed away in Feb 2014 very suddenly, my dad passed away 10 years prior. I’m now 27 now and have lost both my parents (I was 26 when mum passed away).
It’s such a difficult thing to deal with, I’ve noticed that I’ve become really numb inside and although I cry at times because I miss them so much, I still have this huge numb feeling in my heart, like a gapping hole that I can’t close.
I’ve also noticed that I’m struggling to find those ‘loving’ feelings in my relationship with my partner, this was never the case with any past relationship. I’m starting to feel increasingly anxious as I want to have feelings for him, but for some reason I feel so detached. Any ideas why this might be!? 🙁
When is enough too much?
My brother passed away a little over a year ago now. We were on a trip and he drowned in front of my own eyes. After that, I kind of ran away from my emotions.. I didn’t want to remember that day, I was too scared to. I still cried, but after that, I became numb. At first it was okay, I was tired of crying and it was almost a sort of relief.
But now, I still feel that way. I see the rest of my family crying, but I can’t seem to. It was getting to the point that I was really starting to feel heartless, why wasn’t I crying? is there something wrong with me? after I read this article it made me relax a little knowing that I’m not alone. But still after so long? It seems like it has gotten worse, I don’t want to feel sad, but I feel as though I should be. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve started to even doubt who I am, like my life is just one big “I don’t know”. Now I feel like I am near the last straw, where I can’t take it anymore.. What should I do? please help..
This is a follow up to the comment I posted around 6 weeks ago, regarding my seemingly numb reaction to my Mom’s death. The grieving caught up with me as I began to live out my life normally again and go about my everyday business. How? Little by little, the memories would filter in, and little by little the numbness eroded. Frankly, the enormity of it all was too much for me to handle at first. Now, even though I’m not depressed, and can do things and be with people, I do believe I cry a little everyday. On Christmas Eve, at dinner, which was a big emotional time for me and my Mom anyway, I burst into sobs into my dinner napkin. I laughed afterwards when I declared it a new way of using napkins. And so it goes…what was easy for me to look at, handle, — Mom’s things, her memories, her photos, are no longer easy because the protective shield is gone. For now, I will let her things be, and deal with them six months or a year down the line and hold her in my heart in my own fashion. It would be, after all, what she would want me to do…Love you Mom!
My mother has died 5 days ago. She was very exceptional, special, unique, beautiful inside as outside women. She was ill for many years and the last ten years my husband and I came back from overseas and look after her and gave her the best love and care possible to make her painful illness bearable. My brother also was an exceptional son, full of love and care for her and saw her as much as possible. I was with her before she died, kissing her, telling her words of comfort, stroked her hair. I bathed and dressed her up when she died. She was in imaginable pain and the death was relief for her. Now, brother is crying his eyes out, the same as my husband and on the other side I feel nothing. I lost my grandmother ten year ago and my father nine years ago and I was unconsolable. Now, I feel nothing, I feel numb, empty, no tears, I feel like nothing happen and I just lost the person I loved so much. I was always scared how will I cope with the death of my mother and now I feel like a robot. I feel relief she is not in pain anymore, almost happy. After reading the similar experience of other people I understand that this is normal. However, does not help me much. I would like to feel the pain, the grief and love for my mother that I felt it when she was alive.Wonderful, strong women, who was inspiration to everybody, who coped with physical pain so well and still manage to have smile on her face. She was wonderful, caring, full of love mother, full of love for other people, extremely beautiful, I am so proud of her. I really feel bad that I feel this way. I envy my brother who is constantly crying. I feel I let my mother down by behaving this way. She devoted her life to our family and now her daughter is not even crying or feeling anything after she has died. I was so happy I was near her to look after her in her illness, that I was there for her when she needed me. It took a lot of my time, even she had full time care in her home and I was happy to do it. I saw her happiness when I would spoil her, she just need to ask and it was there for her. All I want now to grief for this angel of women and I can not. Nothing. I am so sorry mum…
You are a special daughter and a terrific human being Ana — there is no doubt in my mind that your mother spent her last days in comfort and peace because of your dedication and love. That your time was spent taking such good and intense care of your Mom tells me that you put so much of yourself into that task, and really never checked in with yourself during that time. Neither did I. When the time came for my Mom to pass, and like you, I held her until she slipped into Eternity, you and I never thought of ourselves during this whole process. All I can say is, give this time, and you will come back to yourself and your grieving, and it will come, I can assure you of this. My numbness lasted maybe a month, and by the time the holidays came around, all of my feelings for my mother returned, and I have, since then, been pouring out my sadness with good cries. I have a good support system — understanding and compassionate friends, partner, relatives, and it seems that I will make it through this very well with their support. You will too. Let me hear back from you in a few weeks, and see if you don’t start your grieving process then. I’m sure you will, and I’m sure you will be all right all the way through the process. Our mothers’ love for us will never die, and they will remain quite close to us until we can be with them in Eternity, once again. Bless you.
I lost my 21 year old son three years ago and when I think about him, I feel nothing. I cant feel anything. When my friends and family pass away I really don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t understand it. What is happening to my emotions. What I do know , I now have high blood pressure which start after his death. I don’t know what to do. How do I learn to feel again?
Ok so I have lost an uncle and a pop within 4 years sure when my uncle passed away I had a 5 minute cry on arrival of the news but after it I felt fine. I dont understand why people grieve, I personally believe it is selfish to want them back for your own personal gain. Unexpected deaths are explanatory to be grieving for quite some time although I could never be the one grieving but when someone is sick (cancer etc.) Why would you want them back, they obviously wouldnt want to remain in pain or whatever the case may be. I can not relate at all to grieving and do not see any form of positive outcome from grieving im talking years later of course. They wouldnt want you to be crying for them, its the way I see it anyways, just to clear my emotions up, I dont feel numb nor missing any feelings of any sort I feel fine and acknowledge that theyre better off where they are which makes grieving for myself non existent. I just want to know if this is considered somewhat of a normality or if anyone else thinks of death this way.
Hello Kristie,
My name is Cheryl B. and i just wanted to thank you for this article, as it has helped me understand my current state. I was a caregiver of my father for 10 years when he passed August 2014. My father was 64 years young, and was a Liver transplant survivor. I always came to visit and check up on my father once a week (though he was quite independent). My husband and I swung by his house July 27th to put in his air conditioner, but before we left, he told my husband that the doctors said his numbers didn’t look good. However, he did not share this with me, as he was always the protective father, and did not want me to worry. Before we left that day, My father gave me and my husband hugs like he never had before…holding on so tightly and lengthy. I always felt he wasn’t taking care of himself more than he should, and so the last time I saw him, I was a little frustrated with him, and did not fully return his hug.
My schedule got really busy for two weeks so I was unable to contact him or see him. On August 14th, I got a call from his friend who said he had been trying to get a hold of my father, but was not getting responses. So I went to check on my father and found him dead in his bed…black as could be. Come to find out, he had passed away August 1st, that Friday of the week we last saw him. I was assigned the Executor of Estate, and needed to handle all his finances and belongings, so I know I had to keep it together till it was all done. However, I have been numb since finding him, wondering why I have not been feeling emotions and thought. Yes there has been sporadic moments of tears, isolation, and anger bouts losing my temper easily, and also having memory loss. Five months later, I am still not feeling the emotions my other siblings feel and began to question, “was I heartless, did I really love my father..”. Again, I thank you for encouraging me to keep on moving, and allow myself to morn and grieve how I need to to cope.
Sincerely, Cherylbnuts
Im not alone thank youx
This helped. I’ve been googling a bit because I don’t seem to be responding to my mother’s death the way the people around me are, and all the articles I’ve come across so far (excluding this one) described the denial/numbness stage of grief. That didn’t really fit what I’ve been feeling. For the first few hours, the emotions were intense and overwhelming. Then I had a few days of crying. Since then, I’ve been calm. I’m not entirely numb. There are moments when I feel sad and lots of moments when I feel happy, but these are mostly surface emotions. The deep sea currents of my emotions aren’t really sad or melancholy, just calm. Not finding anything that described this had me a bit worried that my response was abnormal.
My main concern has been that I’m still in the “denial” stage, and when the loss actually sinks in it’s going to be terrible. Only, I don’t feel like I’m holding any emotions back. It doesn’t feel like there’s some terrible grief waiting to pounce on me. And I’ve been wavering between worrying about this impending grief and worrying about not responding normally. I have a tendency toward worrying.
Getting back to my main point, this article helped ease my worry by describing what I’m going through (other people feel this way! I’m not a psychopath! Yay!) without describing it as the precursor to an emotional Jack-in-the-Box of Doom. So thank you for taking the time to write about this and share it.