What to do when a friend who has lost their mum or dad (or a friend who hasn’t) seems suicidal
A couple of weeks ago I was asked this question by someone who was worried about a friend who had lost their dad.
Now, straight up, I offer my disclaimer: I am not an expert in this area. I did however work in mental health a few years back, case-managing people who were, at times, incredibly depressed or very, very unwell. This means I did receive a few suicide calls from clients – and I don’t mean the ‘I’m wondering whether it’s all worth it’ type. I mean the ‘I’ve bought the rope, hung the noose in the back shed, and put a chair under it. All that’s left is to call you and say thankyou and goodbye’ type. And I was trained in suicide prevention at the time…..but not until I had stormed up to my boss demanding this after the first suicide call I ever received (that I was totally unprepared for) that left me shaking afterwards.
The main reason I wanted to write this blog as a not-real-expert-but-not-total-amateur was that I realised, after the question was asked of me, that most people have no real, useful, practical idea what to do when they find themselves in a conversation with a friend that starts getting a little….worrying.
My intention here is to offer some help and insight as to how to open communication with a friend you are worried about. This is the first and, in my opinion, the most important step as you can’t do a thing to help until you know that help is needed. Any more than that is too big to handle in one (albeit lengthy) blog.
So you are speaking to/observing a friend and you have started to notice some language or behaviour that is making you a bit concerned or uncomfortable as they seem a little (or a lot) suicidal…….what to do? Well, first…..
Suck it up
When I talk about speaking to someone who has lost a parent I often say that you needn’t worry about offering your services 24/7 if they need you or even starting a conversation with them about it…if you really can’t do it. If you can’t you can’t, and there will be other people to take the roles that you can’t take. Well, when it comes to hearing suicidal language though…I’m sorry….you’ve just gotta suck it up and address this with them. There is a reason why they are speaking to you and…..without knowing quite where their head is at…..this is not something you want to just let slide.
As uncomfortable as it is, as much as you’re wishing you could just get off the phone and pretend it never happened, this aint the time to run away. If you really really really can’t or won’t address this with them then get someone else to – a friend or family member – but don’t leave it.
How do I know if it’s serious enough?
Any suicidal thoughts are serious. Now, in saying that, you show me a person who has never had a suicidal thought and I’ll show you a great big liar. We all have. Thoughts of ‘what is the point?’, ‘life is too hard’, ‘if this is what it’s always going to be like then I don’t want to do it’ might not be overtly suicidal…but they still measure on the Richter scale, albeit very low. The difference is in what we are doing with these. The journey between ‘what is the point?’ to ‘I’m thinking about ending it’ to ‘I know how I’ll do it’ to ‘I’ve brought the pills/rope/gun/tubing and have planned on doing it when everyone leaves the house on Monday’ can be a lot shorter than we would like to believe.
So if they are saying anything that is ringing alarm bells for you, you do not know exactly where along that process that might be…so it is time to….
Get real and just bloody well ask
Just like I say about talking to someone who has lost a loved one…no point beating around the bush or dodging using the words. What is freaky to you is very simply their reality.
During the first suicide call I received, my client and I danced for about 10 minutes around what was clearly suicidal talk from him, and stupid things like ‘I hope you aren’t thinking of doing anything silly’ from me. Until eventually my coordinator passed me a piece of paper that said ‘ask him if he is feeling suicidal’. So I did.
Are you feeling suicidal?
He told me ‘yes’. In a way it was a relief for both of us. I’d finally stopped dancing and looked the problem in the eye….and he realised that I was listening and I wasn’t scared (I hid it well) to open this topic in a clear, grounded way. Now we could talk.
I know it’s scary. I really do. But just ask. Four words, one inflection. What’s the worst that can happen? They say ‘no! Don’t be so stupid!!’? That’s fine. I had more than one client tell me this when I asked, but I figured it was safer to ask if I was worried AND they knew then that if they ever were feeling suicidal they could talk to me.
And when your brain says ‘I mustn’t ask if they are suicidal – I might give them ideas!’ tell your brain to shut up. If they are thinking about it they are. If they aren’t then they aren’t. This is just your brain, using totally illogical nonsense, trying to help you escape a very uncomfortable situation. Your brain is thinking about how to protect you, not your friend.
What if they say ‘yes’?
So you asked and they answered with the word you were praying not to hear…‘yes’. Right, this next bit is very important.
When the part of your brain that is scared to deal with this and wishes it were anywhere else but here….and let me just take that call that is coming through….
STOP
When the part of you that wants to survive and live more than anything and wants to say really unhelpful things like ‘don’t be stupid!’, ‘but you have so much to live for!’, ‘think of your family – how could you even think about doing this to them’, ‘that is sooo selfish!’, ‘but I love you so much. I would be so sad if anything happened to you’……..
STOP
When part of you wants to rush in, particularly you coaches, and start fixing the things that are making them this depressed…like their work or their relationship or the grief they are in….
you guessed it….STOP…and take a deep breath
Most of these things happen because, understandably, you don’t want to sit with what you have just heard. You want to fix it, or make it go away, or get away from it. Getting off the phone quickly doesn’t help. Hitting them with the knee-jerk statements I mentioned above doesn’t help. All it does is adds guilt where there is already pain, and shows them that a) you aren’t listening and b) they can’t speak to you about this again. And trying to coach around the surface issues isn’t useful. If someone wants to kill themselves because they hate their job desperately or their relationship is falling apart or even that they’ve lost their parent, then suggesting they apply for 3 jobs a day…or start having a date night with their partner……or get out some photos of their mum or dad…isn’t helpful. The problem here is no longer that they have a crap job or a bad relationship or are in serious pain and grief. The bigger problem, right now, is that they are feeling suicidal. Nothing else matters one bit until you address this.
Here you need to listen. Ask them what they have been going through and what they have been thinking…and shut up. Your brain will be doing it’s best to avoid this and telling you all sorts of things to say and do. Just be quiet and listen. If they started using suicidal language and you noticed it, then it wasn’t accidental. They wanted to open up to you. Let them be heard.
Now what?
Be honest – tell them you don’t want them to do anything to hurt themselves…and that ultimately you don’t think they do either. And make a plan. This might mean involving a family member or looking up a suicide hotline for them or you to call – these will differ depending on where you are and a simple google search will give you some options. A group like Samaritans, who are trained for this type of thing, can be a good start.
In my experience once someone realises you want to help, and they feel someone is on their side, they will usually be willing to take a step towards help.
Let me be clear that I am not telling you to take responsibility for this. I’m not an expert and, very likely, nor are you. But rather than ignoring what they are saying or trying to fix it, let them know it’s ok to talk to you, that you’re listening to them, that you care. Explain to them how worried you are but that this isn’t something the two of you can handle alone and talk about involving someone who is trained to.
There is a heck of a lot more I could say on this topic…who to contact , what to do if they sound seriously ready to do it right now, whether to tell someone else if they don’t want you to, basics practise for staying ‘ok’, how you are feeling right now after reading this blog if someone you love has committed suicide in the past…but there is just too much to cover here so feel free to get in touch with me re any of the above..
If you have any questions or comments around this you can comment below or email me privately on kristie@kristiewest.com and I can answer or refer you to the right person/expert/group.
Kristie
xx
{ 2 comments }
Kristie,
This is a great blog and i’d certaily be interested in hearing what else you have to say on the matter as per your second to last para.
I’d also be really interested in what may be the answer to a more straightforward question: “What to do when a friend has recently lost their mum or dad”… Two of my close friends have both lost their mums recently, one as a result of an acute terminal illness with very little notice and the other after a prolongued terminal illness, both in their mid/late sixties.
Other than letting them know that I am there for them and that it is okay for them to talk about their feelings and experiences with me, what more can I do to love, help and support them through this time?
Thanks
Rx
Hi Rebecca,
if there are any particular questions you have around this topic let me know and I’m more than happy to answer them, either privately or by blog.
Re your friends – what you’re doing is great – letting them know, honestly, what you can provide them with i.e. if you can be there for them. Three suggestions would be to make sure you’re offering only what you can deliver i.e. don’t say ‘call me any time, day or night’ if this isn’t ideal for you. If it is, great. If it isn’t, great too. There is this idea that everyone should be there for everyone else….and people end up promising things they can’t or don’t want to deliver on. Just be clear about what support you can offer – makes it easy for all involved.
Another is to be mindful of telling them what their experience might look like. The biggest determinate in how people grieve, how long, and whether they truly heal is NOT who died, how they died, or what the relationship with them was – it is what their beliefs about grief are – whether healing is possible, right, and desirable. As a society we tend to teach others the things we have learnt which aren’t always the healthiest – things like ‘it’ll take about a year to feel better’ or ‘things will better but it’ll never truly go away. You’ll always miss them’ etc. These seem simple and harmless but they perpetuate the cycle of myths that keep people stuck in grief which, in reality, it is totally possible to heal from (but not if you believe it would be wrong, undesirable, or impossible).
Thirdly….one of my blogs (will be a booklet on the topic available within the week!) was 5 tips for people who have JUST lost a parent. It’s things to help them get through those first days, weeks, few months that can be painful, confusing, numbing. The tips are simple but very helpful and will also, if they follow them, set them up in a better place for healing too. Here is the link
And naturally you can always put them in touch with me if they’d like a chat. I can certainly help them far quicker than struggling on their own.
Hope that helped! Always here if you have any other questions/comments.
K
xx