‘I am an orphan’, ‘I am a widow’…..Is it time to stop labelling yourself?
A few weeks ago I met an absolutely lovely woman who, on hearing what I do, started to tell me a tiny bit of her background. She grew up without either parent.
Her words ….”I am an orphan”.
Now this may well be the correct term for a child who has no parents….but you will still probably never hear me use it to describe anyone. For the same reason I won’t use the words ‘widow’ or ‘widower’. The reason is that it is the difference between acknowledging something that is part of your experience and making it who you are…making it your identity.
It may seem a bit anally retentive that I would refer to ‘someone who lost both parents as a child’ instead of an ‘orphan’ but our words are incredibly powerful and what we affirm about ourselves, whether consciously or unconsciously, has a huge impact on how we see ourselves and our place in the world. The labels we put on ourselves and others have assumptions and limits that come with them.
When I worked in disability a few years ago we were all ultra politically correct when it came to our clients. My clients were not disabled. They had disabilities. They were not schizophrenic. Instead they had schizophrenia. Because it was so important that we affirmed to ourselves, and that we affirmed to them…so that that they could affirm to themselves…. that these experiences didn’t define them. Because this seemingly small shift in attitude could be the difference between a client who expected to make it in the world and live a fulfilling life…and one who didn’t as they were trapped by a label.
You are not your friends, your family, your bank balance, your hobbies, your history….or any of your experiences – good or bad. You are an individual who experiences and has experienced these things…..but they are not who you are. You are something much deeper and more profound than that.
You probably don’t want others labelling you. So be careful what you label yourself. ‘I lost both my parents as a child’ or ‘I lost my husband’ might be wordy…but it’s worth the extra 2 seconds to commit to as it is far more empowering than the words ‘orphan’ or ‘widow’. These words hold great power. Do you want them to have that kind of power over the rest of your life?
“Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs.” ~Pearl Strachan
Kristie
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{ 4 comments }
Thanks for the great insights in this article – as someone who’s husband died 2 years ago I have never once described myself as a widow, as I do not want the label and the cultural connotations that the word widow implies. As Kristie so rightly says it is part of my life experience, however it does not define me, or my sense of identity, and I do not want people making assumptions about me on the basis of that label.
Thanks Janet! I’ve also never heard my mum refer to herself as a widow – I think it makes such a big difference to how she sees herself and how she has lived her life since my dad died. The loss of her husband has strengthened and empowered her, instead of making her a ‘widow’.
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I once asked a friend when she was going to think of herself as a successful teacher or the wife of an MD, instead of a poor coal miner’s daughter. And she did. But occasionally I see her going back to the old persona of poor coal miners daughter…..
when she refuses to hail a taxi, for example.
Hi Jen (took me a minute to work out it was you!),
Makes such a difference what labels we give ourselves doesn’t it. We kid ourselves but we labels ourselves and others constantly…and these labels hold great power over us.
Good on you for challenging your friend.
K
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