If your parent had a carer/carers (instead of you) before they died….and you feel just a litttttttttle guilty about that.
I speak to a lot of people whose mum or dad, or both, had carers (or were in a rest home) before they died……and I’m yet to meet one that didn’t feel just a little bit…..or overwhelmingly….guilty about this.
People can often exhibit a lot of stress and pain after a death and we lump it all into the G.R.I.E.F. bucket…. but in this situation, it can often include a whopping great serving of guilt for having been a neglectful and downright rotten son or daughter. I mean seriously…after all the years they cared for you you then go and dump them on someone else when they need you……? What kind of person are you? How can you even live with yourself?
Now if that just pushed a button and you a) hate yourself , b) hate me or c) hate both of us….then keep reading, as what I wrote above is far from my real opinion. I’m just testing you. 😉
As an ex-carer for the elderly over about 4 years it still astounds me this common idea in a lot of societies that children should care for their parents. Maybe it works in some…but none I have lived in. In NZ (where I’m from) it’s a bit unusual for a parent to be cared for by their children, or even by a carer – they go into retirement homes which, in general, are usually very nice places. My nana is so happy in hers that she makes ‘Larry’ look positively suicidal. But here in the UK the culture is a little different and it is a lot more common for an elderly parent to be cared for in their home by a carer/carers or taken in by their family.
So if your parent had a carer before they died and you are still feeling like it should have been you….then let me set you straight. In my experience there is about a 5% chance that you would have been the best person to care for your parent….and a 95% chance that you would not just have been not the best person, but that you would’ve been the worst person for the job.
Disclaimer: Now don’t get mad with me if you are in the 5% and it was a great situation for you both. I do know that sometimes it works perfectly…….but that isn’t the case with most people. This blog is for the other 95%.
As I carer I saw 3 things that made me realise why someone else caring for your parent is usually better than you:
- Caring for the elderly takes some very specific and sometimes tricky skills. It isn’t just like looking after kids. There are a whole whack of communication skills, boundary setting, interpreting/anticipating needs, and frankly some physical/emotional/mental self-defence skills (and seriously thick skin) that I have never had to use to the same extent anywhere else in my life since, including dealing with kids. You wouldn’t rip into the plumbing of your house without the right skills. You wouldn’t try and fix your car’s engine if you’ve never even seen it before. It’s a good thing that you let someone manage a tricky time/situation who maybe had more appropriate skills for the job.
- If it had been you instead of a carer (or a resthome/hospice) you could have really damaged the relationship. Your parents were built to care for you when you were a child. That doesn’t mean you are built to care for them…that means you are built to care for your children, and your children for their children, etc. A carer/patient relationship is totally different and changes the child/parent relationship – often not for the better. If you had done it out of obligation you would have ended up resenting them and they you…whether anybody would ever had admitted to that or not.
- And the biggest reason…..it was very likely better for them too to have had a carer or have been in a home. With the elderly there are three main stages, particularly if there is any dementia involved. The first is when, as adults, they make all their own decisions. The third is when someone else makes all the decisions for them (not everyone gets to this stage). The second is the in-between transitionary stage from the first stage to the third. And it’s a hard one. This is crucial and this is where a good carer/home was the better idea. The period of having their responsibilities/choices taken away from them is a difficult one for them to navigate. Think about what that period was like for your mum or dad. No matter what they may have said about wishing it was you helping instead, you doing it could have just been too difficult. It’s not an easy transition for them to make and having you – who they raised, who knew them as an authority, who used to do what they said – start to blur the boundaries of what they could do….of what they were allowed to do….would have been very challenging….and a little heartbreaking. As a carer I saw how much easier it was for them to have someone fresh come in, meet them exactly where they were (rather than where they used to be), and bring in some of those changes as the new norm, as part of that new relationship.
I know many of the the families of the people I cared for felt guilty for not doing ‘more’ but I could see so clearly how bad it could have been for them to be involved more. A good carer/home could have been what made all the difference to your parent, yourself, and your family. People often think they should have been the ones to look after them….without really stopping to consider what that would have looked like……for all involved. In most cases it definitely wouldn’t have better.
As always, feel free to share your thoughts, questions, experiences below!
Kristie
xx
PS If you have read this because you are considering getting a carer for your parent and are thinking about this then feel free to get in touch. I’m always happy to have conversations around this topic as there is so much confusion out there around whether to get one, what makes a good carer, whether to go through an agency or not, etc. I’m happy to answer anything I can around that.
