Thanksgiving – what the heck is there to be grateful about?
I’m not the least bit Canadian or American…but I think Thanksgiving is a wonderful day. Not necessarily for the huge turkey feast. Though that depends whether I am on or off the meat-eating wagon. Not for all the wine either. Guaranteed hangover right here. Nope, it is because any day that encourages us to be grateful is a beautiful thing.
BUT….being grateful can be a toughy when someone who really matters to you has died and you may very well think there is nothing to be grateful for at all. This is what I love about thanksgiving being a fixed day. It isn’t about picking the day you’re happiest – being thankful is easy then. Finding gratitude on your worst day – now that is an amazing thing to do.
So why on earth should you find any gratitude today?
Do it for yourself
Because every day is a gift and your life can feel very different when you truly see that. If there was one practise that I would recommend to everyone it would be a gratitude journal -a simple diary where every day you record a few things that you are grateful for. I do a lot of gratitude journalling….but there are also times when I don’t. And I can tell you that there is a pretty big difference in my mind-frame and how I look at my life between the two.
Do it for them
What people often don’t realise (yet) is that there is much to be grateful for in a death. But until you are ready to find that then focus on other areas. And do it for the person you have lost. When someone you love dies it can become all consuming and you can develop tunnel vision so suddenly their life and death are all that matter. But no-one who dies wants to become a black hole that sucks every last shred of light into it from the lives of the people they love. If I died tomorrow I would hate to think that my mum would forget how blessed she is to have my brother, to have dogs she adores, to live near a beautiful park, to have girlfriends she has wonderful weekends away with, to have siblings who are incredibly close to her……and that’s just the start. There was beauty in your life before this death and that is still very much there – don’t forget it. Be thankful for the people, the gifts in your life, the things that matter to you.
A lovely woman I know shared a beautiful and touching story with me about her mum’s death and I have her permission to share this with you……
“three days before she died the Dr came to see her ‘am I dying?’ she asked with characteristic directness…’yes, I’m afraid you are’ he said…’how long?’ she asked…..’maybe two days’ was the reply. Where I believe many would rage or cry my mother turned to my sister and I, took our hands and said ‘never forget girls…life is wonderful’. They were pretty much the last words she spoke to me…..but what incredible words from someone in her place.”
She said this from her own death bed knowing that her other daughter was dying (and died 3 days later) and also that her husband had cancer. And she could still see that life is wonderful.
How to do it
Simple. Just get a piece of paper and write down a list of just 5 things you are grateful for today. If you go to 10 or 15 or 100 – great. Just go till you’re done. But make sure you get 5. This is not a ‘fake it till you make it’ moment – don’t write down anything you don’t feel grateful for just because you feel you should. You might not feel grateful for your husband, your health or your house right now even if those are obvious things. Get honest, listen to your heart, and write. I’m not grateful every single day about every little thing and I sure as hell wasn’t all that grateful around the deaths in my life when they happened….but I wish I had been introduced to a practise like this at the time. I’m just so glad I have it now.
So what are you grateful for? You might be grateful for the nice coffee you started the day with. You might be grateful you didn’t have to work today. You might be grateful that the supermarket lets you do shopping online so you don’t have to go out. You might be grateful that, even though they have died, you were lucky enough to have them in your life before. (Remember, many people never even had the honour of meeting them). You might be grateful to that friend who called….or the one who didn’t. You might be grateful to still have all your hair. You might be grateful for a smile from a stranger today. Nothing is too small.
The beautiful thing about this is that once you open your mind and start looking for things to be grateful for it usually opens up and you can start to see more and more.
If that sounds easy…then here is another element for you. What can you be grateful for in the death in your life? Far from dishonouring the person who has died, this honours them so much more when you can see gifts of their death, when you can see meaning in this important part of their life, and when you can see that they were so amazing that even in their death did they contribute to the lives of those they loved. So…….some questions to think over are…..who was brought closer to you by their death? What did you learn from it? Was it the catalyst for a change of direction in your life or a different decision? Who did it bring into your life?
I would love to share with you just a handful of the things I am grateful for on this day of thanksgiving:
- For the wonderful day I have had today seeing friends and visiting the death exhibition here in London
- For my amazing friends – old and new
- For all the learnings this year has held for me. They haven’t all been easy – in fact the best ones have been incredibly hard – but I wouldn’t undo any of them
- For my mum and my bro
- For my dad and all the lessons his death taught me and the purpose it gave me
- For the sweet little cat purring behind me
- For the song playing on my computer right now -‘Madness’ by Muse – lights me up
- For feeling snuggly and warm when it is rainy and cold outside
- For my grandmother who, by being born in the UK, ensured my ancestry visa
- And mostly right now for you. You who seek change instead of mere comfort in your loss. You who believe it is possible, seek it, and work towards it. You are my biggest inspiration and bring a smile to my face and heart.
