The Newtown Shooting: how can we best honour and respect those killed? And a public announcement about what I would like if I die in a seemingly brutal or tragic manner.

You already know what I’m talking about when I mention the Newtown shooting.  On the 14th of December, Adam Lanza shot and killed 27 people, including 20 children, at a primary school in Connecticut.  I don’t need to tell you more than that – the story and details are pretty widely known now.

I have read much about this from questions around how mental illness is dealt with, to how tragic and shocking this is to most, to the sometimes-blazing row about gun laws in the US and if/how these need to change as a result of what has happened.

As ever my focus is on how you might interpret this event into your own experience, how it affects you, what you do with this information.

I used to blog religiously a certain number of times a week but these days I tend to wait until a blog crawls into my head and forces me to write it out.  Surprisingly it hadn’t happened yet around the Newtown shooting…until an email I received from a dear friend of mine a couple of days ago hatched this blog.

As part of her business, my friend and her business partner have started this cute competition about what you would do on your “living spree”.   They promptly had a complaint come in to ask how they could possibly talk about living sprees when all these children had just died.

One word filled my mind as I read that –  EXPECTATION.  Our expectations of how we ought to behave around death are very strong….and unfortunately are often misguided.

Let’s step back from this shooting for a minute and look at death in general and how we expect (and are expected) to react.   You may not think that expectations play any part at all….but I have one blog in particular that I receive several emails a week about and it is because it talks about expectation.  The blog is written for those who have had someone die and aren’t behaving/feeling the way they expected to i.e. they are not feeling bad enough.  I talk about feeling numb…or feeling calm…or feeling ok…and that this is fine too.  And I receive many emails thanking me for this from people who have had someone in their life die (these can be parents, siblings, children, etc) and are not feeling sad ‘enough’ and have been searching online for help because they are frightened that they are cold, heartless, uncaring, abnormal, wrong, unloving,  etc.  And often they are not admitting to those around them how they are feeling – so ashamed they are about not reacting the expected way.

This is how strong expectation around death is.  We have often learnt that we are meant to see death as only bad, to meet it with great sadness and that anything else is inappropriate. We have often learnt that there is only room for pain and that this ought to eclipse everything else, that we shouldn’t be laughing, enjoying ourselves or having fun….and people can feel pretty damn guilty if they do any of these things around death.

Hence the comment my friend received.  I imagine the logic would have gone something like this: ‘how can you be talking about good things in life and celebrating life when all these kids have died. That’s really disrespectful’.  The logic is that we should meet this news with full body sadness for at least a week or two and that anything else shows a lack of respect.

Here is the problem with that:  it isn’t really much of an honour to someone’s life, as a show of ‘respect’, to refuse to enjoy your own life, to refuse to acknowledge what is wonderful around you, to refuse to have any gratitude for what you have.  Don’t let these children become black holes that sucks all the light into them – both from those that knew them and those that didn’t.  That isn’t any way for them to be remembered.  Let their legacies be light, not darkness.

Instead, as a better sign of respect to them, take this opportunity to remember that life is often shorter than you think, that you haven’t been promised any particular amount of time.  Take this opportunity to look around you and see how blessed you are, to tell the people you love how much you love them, to feel gratitude for your life and the people in it. I’m not saying to block out any of the sad feelings….just don’t go believing that they are the only ones you should be having and that being sad, down, and not feeling any gratitude for your own life is the way to honour someone who has died.  Let the legacy of these kids and their teachers be you taking the time to appreciate what you have in your life.  Isn’t that a much more fitting tribute?

So…here is what I want you all to know if I am to die in a manner that you consider tragic, or brutal, or violent, or wrong, or too soon….

If any or all of the above happens then please let my death be a reminder to you of the brevity of this life.  Let it be a reminder to you to stop all the noise for a while to think about your own life and the things that matter to you, the people that matter to you.  Let it be a reason for you to ask yourself: am I making the most of each day?  Am I doing what I would love?  Am I with people that I love?  Am I being true to myself and my own heart and soul?

Again I’m not saying to pretend any sadness isn’t there and ignore it.  But please don’t go thinking that you will honour me or best show me respect by thinking ‘how could I possibly talk about living sprees when Kristie had just died in a,b, or c awful tragic way’.

On the contrary, please use my death, whatever it looks like and whenever it comes, to be a reason to ask yourself  “what would I do on my living spree?”  Hell, go on a HUGE great whopping living spree to honour me. Because that would be the way I would want to be honoured and remembered.  I would want my life (and my death will be part of my life) to be a cause of light, not darkness, in your life.  That would be the legacy I would want to leave.

How about you?

Kristie

xx

Tagged as: Conecticut shooting, how to honour the deads, newtown shooting, Sandy hook