“To learn to die is to learn how to live. And the way you do that is by living each moment–this one, now this one–just being here now.” – Ram Dass
I’m around death quite a lot – working with it, contemplating it, making sure I’m aware of it….but it has been quite a while since there has been death or dying going on very close to me, among my friends and family. It has been quite a while since it has been personal.
Currently a dear friend has a death/dying situation in their lives. I won’t elaborate as it is not my story to share with you and I know they would not want this. But what I can share with you is the impact it had on me and my thinking around death and life.
Last week I had some news from this friend about what was going on that slowed everything down and brought life…and death…right into perspective.
I quit what I had been doing (a heady mix of wading through emails and facebooking…to distract me from the emails) and went and stood out on the balcony. I am in Portugal right now and the view here is beautiful. I can see the ocean and the stars so clearly. So I stood out gazing out at the sky and reflected on how I am living, how most people live, and how short life truly is. I saw a shooting star…and realised how few I have seen in my life. Because, although I adore the night sky, I rarely stop and look up into it for more than a few seconds to say how beautiful it is…and then get back to some manner of busyness or other. And I realised what a shame that is.
For life is only this moment now. And then this moment. And then this moment. One second at a time. This is how long your life is – a breath. No more than that.
Most of us live a lot of the time (and I am no exception) like each moment isn’t precious. Like it’s just a moment passing to get to the next moment, or the next week, the next year. Or a moment we need to fill with something productive, something on a list, something that needs to be done, something that will help us achieve some future goal, or some distraction.
People talk all the time about living in the moment, about being present. As I stood there I realised what that really means. It is about honouring the moment you are in as the only one you have. Most people live like they have forever at their disposal so that is what each moment becomes – disposable. We expect long-life, feel entitled to it, and call it ‘tragic’ when someone dies who isn’t really, really old. It can only be tragic if you think you or they were supposed to get a lot more life. As if a promise, to them and to you, has been broken. Now the reality is that statistically if you survived the process from conception to birth unscathed and are reading this there is a pretty good chance you’ll make it to old age. But a pretty good chance is just that – a chance. It aint a guarantee and it certainly isn’t a promise. No-one made you a promise that your life would be ‘long’ or even any longer than today – at least no-one who truly had the power to do so. You just assume it will be.
Now I’m not going to babble on about on always living in the present, or living out each and every moment as precious, as I don’t believe anyone truly does this or that we are even meant to. We are human and will spend time thinking forward to the future and reflecting on the past – both important activities for different reasons. What I’m taking about is now and then just stopping…STOPPING…for a moment and appreciating it for what it is – your entire life in a breath, the only moment that you have been given – and realising how precious that is.
These days we can be overwhelmed with people telling us to goal-set, make our vision boards, create 5 year plans, map out each area of our lives and how we’d like it to be. Now these are all valuable and worthy activities because, chances are, you will be around for a while longer. But again remember the word is ‘chance’, just a chance. Not a guarantee, a promise, and absolutely not a certainty. What I see that I think is a pity is when all this planning is done at the expense of the present moment. When this precious gift is simply a step towards your 5-year (that you may not even have) plan. In fact a step in the way of it.
On Dec 1st I watched a number of friends post on Facebook things like ‘wow, I can’t believe it’s December 1st! So much still on my list before the end of the year. What do you have to get completed before the end of the year?’ And I thought to myself…there is plenty I would like to get done before the end of the year but right in this moment, just for a few seconds, I want to remember that Dec and the end of the year may not be mine…only this moment is.
So just stop for a second now. STOP. Feel your body, your feet on the floor. Feel your breath. Look away from your computer or your phone and just breathe into this moment, this piece of your life, and be thankful for it because it is so very precious. Think about who and what you love, what you have in your life that makes you smile and that makes it worth living.
And be grateful for this moment as it is one of the most precious gifts you’ll ever be given.
Much love,
Kristie
xx
{ 18 comments }
Just recuperating at home after breaking my hip, whilst playing badminton a week ago. Kristie your words are so true. I am now more aware of the present moment than ever before. I hope to remember this as the weeks go on and to make good use of this reflective time.
Kristie your words are true but this i only realized when my wife nasira wo was so close to me passed away at the age of 52 full of life to whom i was happily married for 31 years passed away on a dinner table on that tragic evening on dec 13 2011 i said to myself why did she go so early but i had to remind myself did someone promise you a lifespan which was definitive i assumed she would die in old age and would be sick. These are futile assumptions we make
when we are so engrossed in worldly life trying to achieve goals we do not know we will have the lifespan to complete. it is our engagement in wordly life that we forget this life is only temproary we have been sent here for test and enternal life is with our allah when we leave this world so whatever we do we must do our best to help and benefit mankind after all prophet said the best amongst you are those who benefit mankind.
Hi Kirstie!
Lovely writing! Thank you for that.
Entitlement is one way of fending of anxiety. It is particularly difficult as it circumvents gratitude.
There are indeed no promises of a long life, only hopes and wishes.
Josefine
I try to STOP and look at the stars, but thank you for the reminder! It is always nice to have someone remind you of this very important lesson. Xoxo
Kia ora Kristie,
you always make me think and Be. Even opening and replying to emails can be sacred moments as everything is and we don’t have to see the stars to be aware of their presence. Arohanui
Great article Kristie. Loved every word of it! =)
Arohanui
Nathan
The plan should be there so that you can stop and enjoy what you are doing each moment, and not have to worry that what you are doing is the wrong thing.
WOW!! I do not know how this ended up in my email box but I am sure glad it did! I have been suffering, SUFFERING with guilt and grief for a little over 2 years now. On June, 25, 2011 my father passed away at home (I was there along with my 2 brothers and my mother) he was 86 years old and lived a long life. He was a wonderful father and great provider we were never rich by any stretch of the word but we never needed anything, we did not have a car growing up but we went to a small private school which my mother worked as a daycare supervisor and a janitor at night cleaning the school. Anyway death is something I have ALWAYS feared, especially the death of a loved one. I knew it would be horrific when the would come but I had no idea of the reality of what actually took place ….In one moment you can do something that will change the rest of your life! Just one brief moment in time can stricken you with guilt that will haunt you for the rest of every “moment” of your life. I thought I was handling my father dying very well, in fact I was proud of myself and during the 3 days he was dying at home with the help of hospice what I didn’t realize? I was not handling anything well at all, I completely ignored the fact that maybe someone other than “ME” was suffering, maybe my mother who always stated her dislike for my father was possibly silently suffering herself and maybe this was why she was acting so crazy, so rude my brothers and I just wanted her to SHUT UP! She was being weird and talking bad about my father this was making me resent her. The night before my father died I was about to leave and planned on returning in the early morning when my mother started in on me again, I just wanted her to SHUT UP! I was in the living room when she came storming out there and walking fast towards me “Maria I will beat you to a pulp”! within seconds her chest was touching mine and without thought I put my hands on her chest and fully extended them while shouting “STOP IT”!! She flew to the floor and just like that I had done something she would never forgive me for. (she did not get badly hurt) she got up and said “Get out! it is over” the rest of the details are not important. I returned in the morning she stayed in her room and I watched my father die and then I left her house and I never saw or spoke to her again until my brother called my last December telling me she was DEAD!! I had written letters and called several times begging her to forgive me. we were best friends before this happened we would talk for hours on the phone and I would see her often. In one “moment” she cut me out of her life….I now suffer every moment of everyday. She let herself die without ever talking to me, I begged her not to do that. I can not ever get that “moment” back to change what happened all I can do is realize I am a weak person who is not deserving of happiness and I suffer each time I feel happy, I feel guilty for the “moments” when I laugh or smile. I must somehow learn to just enjoy my “moments” of pleasure because I do appreciate those moments more than I can ever express. Thank you for sharing this blog it has helped me enjoy this “moment” I have never shared the horrific thing I did publicly, I have only shared it with close friends…. Thanks again…Maria
Dear Kristie,
Your article was so perfect… no guarantees for sure. I have been doing organizational consulting/coaching for years until I lost 4 family members unexpectedly, including my 22-year old son, Taylor. The challenge I have and would love your feedback on this– is that people, Americans especially, often just want to bury their sad fears about loss and grief and ugh– death. No one wants to talk about the FACT that everyone dies someday… thankfully I had a strong foundation of education/therapy/self-exploration etc. to survive my dark times. How do I market this unique niche without seeming like a bummer, negative, sad person?? I help people find the depth of their strength in difficult times, courage they often did not know they had all along! I would love to hear your thoughts on how I can develop and grow my coaching business and anyone else who is reading this… take care. Thanks Kristie– you are a very powerful coach and mentor to all of us! Bless you and your good works.
Hi Maria,
Thanks so much for sharing and I’m glad you found your way here.
What you did is not horrific at all. Around a death emotions ca be VERY high and family dynamics in particular can get very very messy as a lot can get misunderstood and taken out on each other as each person struggles to make sense of their own feelings and experiences. Your story is not strange to me, nor awful, nor is it the first I’ve heard of this type of thing….and I have certainly heard ‘worse’.
Your statement ‘all I can do is realize I am a weak person who is not deserving of happiness’ is simply not true. It’s something untrue that you’ve decided about yourself because of what happened, and what happened as a result (which was the responsibility of all involved, not just you) and are punishing yourself for it daily. You don’t need t feel like this Maria, nor do you need to live with such regret and guilt.
If you want to work through this and change it completely then I can help you – it’s what I do. Just get in touch with me directly and we can chat.
Kristie
xx
Hi Maria,
I’m happy to chat to you about this…and there is a lot to say on the topic! Probably best to email me directly kristie@kristiewest.com
Kxx
Hi, thanks for your comment!
Yes plans are definitely important, though certainly many people will not spend any time in the present, no matter how much time they’ve spent on their plan and how perfect they think they have got it or are getting it There is a place for planning AND a place for time being in the present….and one shouldn’t rely on the other being perfect before it can happen. The present is a gift and one that I want to stop and enjoy (when I remember too) regardless of how my longer-term plan is looking.
K
xx
Glad you liked it Nathan. Hope you’re well!
K
xx
Thanks Mike!
xx
Hi Amber,
Yup, I need reminding too. I’m still in Portugal and still need to remind myself every day here to go out and enjoy them!
Kristie
xx
Thanks Josephine!
Kristie
xx
Hi Rafik,
You are very right. One of the gifts of death in our lives is how it can bring everything so clearly into focus…even if only for a short time. Those short moments are very important, precious and perfect.
Kristie
xx
Hi Sue,
Thanks for your comment!
Hope the hip is getting better and that are also enjoying the time of time-out and reflection it provides.
Kristie
xx