Are you over-giving?

Kirstie your blog reminded me of my situation right now. I have a friendship that has lasted over 30 years and that person is a definite over giver to many. However, this has ended up affecting our friendship in a bad way. When my lovely Dad died 20 months ago my world crashed before my eyes, davasting my entire family. I felt disablement, confusion, weakness, numbness, sadness, pain to name but a few emotions that go with grief. I didn’t know how to be around my friends anymore and just wanted to be with my family, my mum, I felt in fear I would lose another.
We were told a week before Dad died that we would lose him and I just wanted to immerce myself in the essence of him. My friend contacted me daily, asking me to call for coffee and be sure to ask if needed anything. She popped to my house, when I was at the hospital taking washing and leaving food. A great kindness you may say but it felt such an intrusion to me. She constantly wanted to know how I and my family were feeling and reminded me she was here for me. It felt like she was scrutinizing my every move waiting for me to breakdown so that she could put me back together. I found it so difficult to talk to her because it became clear she had no understanding of what my world now felt like, even though in the past we had been quite in tune with each other. The cliches she used that she felt would help me just angered me to the point that I have backed out of the relationship. I understand that she felt she was being supportive and didn’t mean to cause me anxiety but the fact is that her over caring was too much for me and I just didn’t know how to behave in her company because I actually wanted to scream and shout at her but at the same time I knew this would have upset and offended her terribly.
I know it must have been and still be incredibly hard for her but in order for me to survive and process my loss I needed space to think and breathe. At the time I didn’t have the thinking capacity to put these feeling into words as I can now but I think it possibly too late to retrieve our friendship. To be honest the death of dad made me analyse my life and I realised how difficult being friends with an overly caring person was as I felt indebted and that I always had to be aware of her sensitivity and make sure I was always grateful. It made me question why she behaved this way always putting others first even when it was difficult for her. She obviously felt a great reward for her actions but she needed to learn when her actions were needed and when they crossed the line of intrusion. I have learned that actually I don’t have to put up with unwanted support just because it’s someone’s nature. I know I may sound hard but I’ve learnt that I can manage mine and my families problems without feeling like I must share everything with my friend. It was far too exhausting and mentally draining and entirely suffocating. Over caring people be aware and be sure your help is actually needed. Xx

I have just suffered a bereavement. As a consequence of this, my whole world is taking on a different shape. It’s almost like a violent earthquake that leaves the landscape fundamentally altered when its energy has dissipated. Another big consequence is that I’ve had to face up to how much time I’ve wasted over the years helping other people fulfil their dreams instead of paying attention to my own. To go forwards from here, I’m having to tell people who relied on my in certain ways before” I’m sorry but I can’t do that any more” … Or words to that effect. My world has shifted. I have to pursue what I know in my own heart and mind is right to regain meaning in my life….. My old friends? They will simply have to deal with it, or leave me alone!! It sounds almost harsh and callous but I know it’s necessary. I LOVE your emails and blogs, Kristie. You’re just wonderful. Thanks.