The worst thing you can tell yourself about grief…
Do you have/do any daily affirmations? You know what I mean – positive statements about or to yourself about you, your life, where you’re going?
If you’ve been involved in any kind of personal development, self-help, spiritually you likely will have at some point. And even if you haven’t you may still have used affirmations. In fact the truth is we all use affirmations – statements we repeat to ourselves – whether we plan to or not. The beauty with setting your own is that you can take a little conscious control over what you are telling yourself…instead of it being a totally unconscious (and often not helpful) process.
Even if you have never set affirmations you can likely understand the power of them.
If you tell yourself every day that there is something specific you are incapable of – a dream you can’t achieve, a goal you can’t reach, a test you definitely can’t pass….how do you think you will feel about that thing? How will you approach it? How likely are you to be able to do it/achieve it?
What about if we add a bit to that equation and have others join you in that affirmation – what if your family, some friends, peers, strangers on the street, all tell you that they agree – that there is something specific you are incapable of – a dream you can’t achieve, a goal you can’t reach, a test you definitely can’t pass. It doesn’t even matter if these things are true at all. How do you think you will feel about yourself? How likely are you to achieve or even believe in your dreams when you and everyone else constantly say that particular goal is impossible? Would you even bother trying if you knew it couldn’t happen?
Now what about if we flip that around. How about you get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and tell yourself really empowering and inspiring things about yourself and where you are heading? That you can achieve that goal, reach that dream, pass that test. What about if the world joined you in this with your family, peers, friends, strangers, all echoing the same empowering and inspiring beliefs back at you? How very different do you think you would feel about yourself? How much more successful do you think you would be at what is most important to you in life? How much more dedicated would you be and how much harder would you work for that dream? Would you ever give up or would you keep going until you reached it with utter faith in yourself?
The things we tell ourselves are very powerful. The things others tell us (if we believe them) are also very powerful.
So what on earth does this have to do with your grief.
One of the most common things you hear people say to themselves after a death in their life? “I’ll never get over this”. Some people can repeat this over and over and over again. It becomes a mantra. It becomes an affirmation. It becomes a decision. It becomes an absolute inevitability (even though it absolutely doesn’t need to be).
This is the worst thing you can tell yourself. Because it isn’t true….but it will be if you wish it to be and you affirm it often enough.
And the worst thing about this affirmation is that the world will largely join you in it. Not everyone…but many people. They will tell you that you will never get over this. They will tell you you can never completely heal. They will tell you on bereavement forums. They will tell you in grief groups. They will tell them when you pay them and go to them for help. They will tell you in quotes and books and articles about grief. They will tell you because they’ve been through death and grief themselves.
And they will tell you this because they think they are helping and because they think this is true…because they themselves believed it (and were told it) from the start.
That doesn’t mean you have to buy it too.
The most powerful voice – over any other – that you hear is your own, and what you tell yourself will make the biggest difference.
So change the record to a better, more helpful one. Say to yourself instead “I am healing. I will heal completely and permanently. Only love will be left”. Let this be your new affirmation. Let this be your new decision. Let this be your new direction. You honour and love yourself by healing. You honour and love your person who died by healing.
If you want healing to be your reality – and it absolutely can be – start with what you tell yourself. It’ll set the stage for whatever happens next.
As Walt Disney said “If you can dream it you can do it”. First you need to be able to dream it.
Much love,
Kristie
xx
