• Telling people what you need after a death

   

  I’ve seen on Facebook that an old friend of mine has had a very close family member die a few days ago.

  Yesterday she did her first post since it happened. It said “I will not be having any visitors after 6pm today. Thank you for respecting my wishes”.

  I would imagine that she has been having visitors, perhaps some unarranged/uninvited/unwanted though well-meaning, and needs some time to herself.

  She has taken responsibility for letting others know what she needs rather than putting up with visits she doesn’t want right now. She is honouring herself and her family in doing this.

  There is no accurate list of what someone needs after a death, what you should say, what you shouldn’t say. Or at least when you come across these types of lists….ignore them. Each person is different. In difficult times what one person wants and needs can be entirely different to the next person, and in fact can be different day-to-day. Even hour to hour.

  The only clear way for others to know how to help you….is to tell them.

  I know it can be tempting to get upset and angry when others don’t do or say quite what you want. And we can get stuck in believing that they should just figure it out because don’t we have enough to deal with after a death already?!

  But people aren’t mind readers. And death can be scary and confusing to most of them. And sometimes YOU won’t even know what it is you need or what might help you today….so forgive them for not knowing.

  The only way for people to know what we want and need in the early aftermath of a death is to take responsibility for telling them, just as my friend did.

  The one note to this is not to expect people to do what they can’t. The friend who has totally ghosted since this death i your life is likely not the person who will come keep you company if you need it. But when people say “what can I do?” Or “how can I help?” Tell them.

  This doesn’t have to be a huge thing. My friend is a good example. I need visitors. I dont want visitors right now.(And if necessary a note on your door: ‘ if we haven’t arranged for you to come round then please give us some space. I am not answering the door today. Thank you for understanding’) Please come and talk to me about them. Please take me out and distract me. Please bring food. Please babysit the kids one afternoon. Please just sit and listen to me.

  Much love,

  Kristie

  xxx

Tagged as: death, grief, healing from grief