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Opening…

It feels like it’s been a while since I’ve shared much about my own personal life here.

I don’t know exactly why. Years ago I shared a lot of what was personal on here. But something changed…and I’m trying to figure that out as I write these words. Maybe I’ll learn the answer as you do.

Motherhood changed everything for me. And solo motherhood without a tight community (or sometimes really any community at all) was very tough. I guess I felt more alone than I ever had done before. And as a result I think the world started to feel a lot more unfriendly to me. All my perceptions of course. But it becomes a vicious cycle, doesn’t it? The more alone I felt….the more I withdrew…and on it went.

That was reflected in what I shared of myself on here. I’d share my ideas and thoughts, but nothing much personal anymore. I wasn’t brave enough.

This year has been different. It began with a move to a new place and what I thought would be a wonderful new beginning. But it all turned into a ‘disaster’ and brought about the quick and final end of what had been an important friendship. I was left feeling more vulnerable that I had in years.

BUT then….like with so many hard things (like with every hard thing) there was beauty to be found in it. It would have been easy to close down even more, to feel more alone and to therefore withdraw even more from life. I could have packed up and gone back to where we’d come from.

But this time I opened up instead.

Maybe I was just ready for it. Maybe because I needed help and needed it quick. I was vulnerable, and opened up to the small group of beautiful people I had already met here. I was helped, supported, cared for and loved. People went out of their way to help us. And we found ourselves a new and beautiful home in a wonderful community in, what feels to me, a very magical area.

I have started to make friend after friend after friend. Beautiful women – all who I feel aligned to in different ways. Friendships I love and am choosing to nurture and grow. The kind of friendships I have been longing for. For the first time in a long time (maybe for the first time ever) I feel a sense of being ‘home’. It’s a strange and wonderful (and, honestly, kinda scary) feeling.

I was right, you know. It has become clearer to me as I write these words to you. I hadn’t shared much that was truly personal and brave (because it can be scary to share what’s personal, right?!) because I had shut down in so many little ways. The last few months – and I haven’t realised this exactly till just now as I type these words – has been a journey of slowly opening up again. To others. To life. To myself.

It’s certainly a work in progress. Opening up feels new and there’s probably quite a long way to go. But it’s probably like anything – you’re moving in one direction or the other. In this case, from closed and shutdown to open and welcoming to life.

I still have the fear that things could go wrong again as they seem to have so many times over the past few years. But you know…maybe they will, maybe they won’t. It’s not about what happens. It’s never about what happens. Shit will always happen. Some of it we’ll label ‘good, and some ‘bad’. It’s about what we do with what happens. So I’ll acknowledge the fear, but not let it control me as it has for what feels like forever.

Right, well, I’m starting to feel awkwardly vulnerable having shared this. So I might sign off before I start really over-thinking it!

I do feel the need to add one thing though: what the heck does this journey of mine have to do with death and grief?

I don’t know really.

But death, grief, this journey of mine, and every other bloody thing in existence are all part of the messy and beautiful magic of life. We are all going through ‘stuff’, growing and changing. I’m no different at all. And maybe this adventure of opening again to life will allow me to share here with you more bravely, more openly, more wildly, about death, grief, and everything else. How can it not?

Thank you for being here with me and for reading this little journal entry turned blog post! It feels good and important to have been able to share it with you.

Kristie

xx

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