On the anniversary of their death. What choice are you making?
Those of you that know my story know that around 6 years ago I lost 6 family members in 4 months.
Exactly 6 years ago today was when the 4-month period began with the first of the 6 deaths. Exactly 6 years ago today is the day that my dad died.
Now I considered, for about 30 seconds, writing a blog about how to handle the anniversary of someone’s death. But I won’t for two reasons:
1) Because I have written several other blogs relating to just after they have died, mother’s day, father’s day, Christmas, their birthday etc…and these have useful tips and ideas. And much more importantly…..
2) because I don’t need to ‘handle’ the day, or try to make it easy, or find a way to honour my dad or remember him. Or to manage my pain. Because I don’t have any pain around my dad’s death. I honour and remember him everyday because it never hurts me to think about him. The anniversary of his death isn’t a painful thing. What it does it let me reflect on how grateful I am for the gifts he gave me through his life AND his death. It allows me to think about the legacy he created through his life AND his death. It lets me reflect on what incredible meaning his life held. And …you guessed it…what incredible meaning his death held too.
I could write tip and idea and suggestion one after the other to help you manage these days….but there is something much bigger for you to think about. There is a choice for you to make. One that you may not have realised you have already made. One that you continue to make every day.
The first few months after losing someone can be anything from ok to absolutely horrific and I don’t think a lot of choices about what you are going through happen there. But they do afterwards.
The choice you make, every day, is around this question: “do I keep doing this? Do I stay in pain? Do I continue to stay stuck in grief?” Every day that you hurt, and grieve, and miss them, and try to make sense of it without being able to, and let time pass, and avoid thinking about them or cling to the pain for dear life….you are making a choice.
Now I’m not daft or insensitive and if you’ve read the first line of this blog you’ll remember that I’m speaking from (very) direct experience. You do not just decide to stop grieving. This isn’t giving up biting your nails, or stopping eating white bread, or quitting cigarettes. This change is more like deciding to get fit, in that making the decision to do it means you then have to go and do something about it. And every day that you don’t is a day that you choose to stay in the same place you are.
I feel so blessed that I started this day early working with a client. That’s how I started the 6-year anniversary of my dad’s death. This is how I celebrate him. This client lost her mother years ago, actually wasn’t in a great deal of pain, but just wanted to see if there was anything left there and if she could feel closer to her mum. There was. And she did. And I am so honoured to have been able to work with her, on today of all days.
I decided years ago that I wasn’t happy with this ‘grief lasts forever’ and ‘time heals’ nonsense and I searched damn long and hard to find real answers. And I found them. But first I had to make a choice.
So what choice are you making?
Every day…. what choice are you making about the people in your life that you have lost? Do you choose to keep on allowing their memories to be a source of pain to you? Do you choose to allow time to slowly erode your memories of them so that it hurts less?
Maybe this sounds a bit harsh…but today I am reflecting on the alternative of what my life would have looked like had I not made a different choice. And it saddens me to think – for my own sake and for my dad’s – if I hadn’t made the choice I did I wouldn’t be able to feel connected, or grateful to, or remember and love my dad the way I do. I wouldn’t see the meaning in his life that I do.
So when you are ready to make a different choice and do something then get in touch with me. Or find someone else who works with grief (but make completely sure it’s someone who speaks to you about true change and healing and can actually get you there).
Their death anniversary can be a beautiful day. But while you choose to stay in pain the only anniversaries that won’t hurt you at all are probably the ones you forget.
If you have been following my 30-day challenge then today I will be writing my 5-minute love letter to my dad, to thank him for who he was, the difference he made, and for the incredible role he played in my life.
I dedicate this blog to the client I worked with this morning. I am so grateful to have been able to be part of her experience today.
I dedicate my work, my mission, the change in every client I have helped and every client I will help, to the man who set me on a new path, who taught me more than any other teacher, and who continues to teach me every day. My dad. The man who taught me the true power that a single choice in your life can make.
As always I’d love to hear from you directly below or by email if you have any comments, thoughts, or questions.
Kristie
xx
{ 7 comments }
Another great article Kristie! I love your message. Keep encouraging others to take control of their grief by doing something about it. While I know you have worked through your pain, my heart still goes out to you today. Good work my friend.
– Greg
Wise words indeed, Kristie. This May marked the tenth anniversary of my Dad’s death. It was a bitter sweet day full of memories but I think that the best memorial to him I have is to use the lessons he taught me and the genes he gave me to the best of my ability every day. We are lucky to have had inspirational fathers x
Indeed we are Sian. 🙂 Thanks for the comment. xx
To stop grieving- almost means that I accept what’s happened. I’m not okay with the traumatic accident. Logically, I know that trying to move past my grief isn’t me telling the universe that it was okay to take my Mom from me, but that’s how it FEELS. Logically, I know that me continuing to be stubborn is only hurting myself, but I still don’t think it should have happened, and it feels like if I don’t accept it I still might be able to change it. Which sounds stupid. And feels even worse.
Hi Laura, I totally understand where you are coming from. The idea of accepting what happened, when it happened, and how it happened can seem wrong, disrespectful, and just plain impossible.
One of the biggest (and earliest) parts of my work with people is to get them to realise it is ok not to grieve and why that would be ok (though this isn’t something I can do in a paragraph). Unfortunately most people (this included me after my dad died) believe that if you stop grieving you will let go of them or forget them. The ironic thing though is that once we are ok with what has happened it completely changes how we feel about our parents death…and this changes how we are able to feel and think about them. While we are still in tremendous grief it’s actually very difficult to think about them easily (except for the fact that they are gone and the associated pain) and over time, as that pain doesn’t move, we push these painful thoughts, i.e. any thought of them, further and further away from us. (This is where the ‘time heals’ myth comes into play. Time doesn’t heal emotional wounds. It only helps you forget).
That might make sense logically but it takes simple but practical exercises before you really see and feel that that is true.
Until the idea of being ok with it and not grieving is ok to you, it will be very difficult to shift you’re pain. And shifting your pain means being able to talk about, remember and love your mum without it hurting you anymore. And that’s got to be a better outcome, for you and for your mum, right? If you’d like to know a bit more feel free to get in touch with me directly.
xx
Hi, thanks for your blog, it is a different perspective and I can relate thanks it has given me some hope to change the way I feel. My Dad died very suddenly almost exactly one year ago and my small remaining family are struggling to cope, we do not mention his passing or him at all, the subject is simply changed, my mother has barely cried until recently and only in private, she is angry with anyone who even tries to say they are sorry it happened to the point where she is rude and embarrassing. We live in a small town where he was a very well known community man, so just a simple trip to the supermarket is “cursed” with well wishers, hence my mother won’t go. I am scared that my very repressed mother and two sisters will remain this way, too scared they will lose control if they allow themselves to grieve
Hi Kristie,
I know what it can be like worrying about your family and how they are handling things and whether they are processing the death in a ‘healthy’ way and what the repercussions are.
My thoughts around this are that we have to focus on ourselves and how we are doing. This isn’t about being selfish or anything like that. It’s about respecting that each person’s experience is different and they get to make their own choices. Maybe they aren’t ready yet. The BEST thing you can do is find a different way yourself, start to process what is happening for you – from an energetic perspective that can rub off on them a little bit the better you do. Also you could potentially be an example to them of what they could do. But ultimately their path may be a bit different from yours.
I know a year may seem a long time but they can’t be pushed to do differently until they are ready. The best you can do is love them and focus on changing your own experience from pain and loss to G.R.I.E.F so they can see another way.
Kristie
xx