Your first Christmas without someone you love – part 3: How to make space for yourself and other people you love
You can read the earlier parts of this series by clicking here on part 1 and part 2.
If you’ve lost someone you love this year it can be all too easy to get stuck in a place where the whole day is taken over by thoughts of them. Well, not thoughts of them exactly, but thoughts of their death, or the lack of their obvious presence. You might think this is the only way to handle the day. Or even that it is the right and respectful way to handle the day. But it doesn’t have to be quite like this.
What can often happen in a situation like this is that we are so focused on what isn’t there that we forget to pay any attention to what is….and we miss out on a lot. We get so stuck on who isn’t there that we are unable to appreciate who is.
So here are my two recommendations to keep some focus on yourself and on the other people that matter to you. ( This is about remembering you and others as well as the person that you’ve lost, rather than instead of them. If you’d like to read my blog on how to include your person who has died in the day you’ll find it here.)
1. For you…
It’s very important to take some time to look after yourself. So, very simply, make sure you do something you love on the day. If that isn’t automatically covered in your Xmas day then make sure you take even just a little time to read some of a book, listen to a little music, do a gratitude list or some journalling – whatever it is – something that is just for you.
I was reminded today of this beautiful quote:
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more
deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that
person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in
the entire universe deserve your love and affection.
~ Buddha
2. For others…
Take the time to pay attention to the other people you love (present or not) and, even if you just take a minute, think about what you love about them, why you are grateful for them, what difference they make in your life. If, like me, your head will slip somewhere else trying to do this then do it on paper. If you have to pop to the toilet to be able to do this privately then do that. Whatever it takes just to have 5 minutes to think about and appreciate some of the other people in your life who matter. Otherwise it becomes easy to fixate only on the person who has died and have them eclipse the whole day – which they wouldn’t want.
These are very simple things to do…but can make quite a change to your day. And also to the lead-up to Christmas if you start doing them every day from now.
Let me know how you go.
If you’d like to read the next blog in this series you will find it here – part 4.
To find all the tips – and a couple more – in an e-book for you click here.
Kristie
xx
{ 12 comments }
Thank you. I lost my mum this year and we were very close. Its a big chock even if its been more than 9 months but Im a little afraid about this years christmas..its gonna be very hard. Thank you for a nice article. Its hard sometimes to know how to deal with the loss, its very painful.
Hi O,
thanks for sharing. I’m glad you found this helpful and I hope it helps you on Christmas day. I’ve only just added the links above for part 1 and 2 in this series if you’d like to see them. And feel free to write to me with any specific things you are worried about – I have a few more blogs to do this week (on this topic) and will happily write them around any questions I get.
My love to you and your family.
Kristie
xx
Greetings Kristie,
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I lost my Father in May. Tomorrow is his birthday and I have been dreading the holidays for months. I was thinking over the weekend that I was just going to close my eyes until it was over. I started searching for something that supported this self wallowing approach but am glad I found your blog instead. I love having a plan and the way you explained the reasoning behind you strategy makes me feel understood. I am going to go and lead the way for my family to make the most of it.
Thanks again,
Karen
Hi Kristie,
Loved your articles on this subject, just started following you on twitter. I lost my mum at the of september, so this will be the first christmas without her. I will try and use some of the tips that you give to try and make the day a little easier for my dad and my brother.
Hope you have a great Christmas
Stuart xx
Hi Stuart,
I’m glad you found this useful. There will be a couple more coming out this week so keep your eyes peeled (or subscribe).
I hope you, your dad and your brother have a good Xmas too.
Kristie
xx
Hi Karen,
You are very welcome and I am so glad you found me instead of the self-wallowing stuff you were looking for. 🙂 I totally get the appeal of that….but these holidays and other anniversaries don’t need to be as bad as we expect. We can honour the people we have lost in such different ways and still enjoy the other people that matter to us.
It’s beautiful that you lead the way for your family like this – when grieving we often do look to the people around us to know what we should be doing and what is ok. You will be setting a wonderful example.
Keep an eye out for my next couple of blogs, still on the Xmas theme, to come out this week. I’d love to hear what you think of them as well.
Kristie
xx
Kristie,
Any tips for how you shift to starting to think positively about the future again? Lost my dad at the end of October, he was my soulmate. Everything feels so bleak and colourless right now. I dont want to feel like this, but dont kn ow how to shift it. Donna
Hi Donna,
Thanks so much for writing and for asking a question a lot of people struggle with – how to look forward (especially when it can feel like the thing you really want as well as the last thing you want) after you’ve lost someone who matters so much. There is a piece of the puzzle that often gets overlooked and this is how we feel about ourselves. Sounds a bit vague I know but I’ll write a blog around this tomorrow – so I can go into it in a lot more depth for you. Look out for me it and please let me know (via comments or email) how you find it and any other thoughts/questions that come up or that I miss.
Kristie
xx
Hi Kristie
I came across your page last night looking for ideas on what my boyfriend should get his dads partner for xmas. My boyfriend lost his dad a few months ago after a short bout of cancer. I have supported him though it all but now im in the feeling of selfishness if it makes any sense. Christmas is coming up last year we spent the day alone as he was interstate with his mum and sister. This year he is doing the same, and we are spending the day apart, well about 4 days. I am aware this is going to be difficult but probably feel left out he hasnt invited me to go with him. I have both my parents so I guess I dont understand how difficult it would be. My boyfriend asked me for some advice on what to gwt his dads partner for xmas, they were together 20 years i did think of a nice photo together but he said he wanted something more than that. Im thinking of advising him to get her a locket with a photo of his dad or even if he is prepared to do it. turn apiece of his dads jewelery into a ring or pendant.
thanks for listening
Hi the 3 parts of this was lovely to read.
Thanks for the comments Sonya. I’m really glad you liked these blogs.
Kristie
xx
Hi Sarah,
if your boyfriend wanted to do something personal for his dad’s partner that had something to do with his dad then a locket or some redesigned jewellry is a really lovely idea. Perhaps something like a phrase that his dad used to say framed as an idea too. I’m not a big gift person so this is not my forte I’m afraid!
The selfish bit however……it’s natural you feel put out by that Sarah. This is totally ok. There is actually a very selfish element of GRIEF. As someone who works around it and has absolutely been there our world can close in very quickly and it become all about who died and those involved. And we can expect everyone else to understand, to say and do the right thing, to get over any issues they have around death and be there for us….which is actually very unreasonable.
If you won’t be there and are not invited to be there then here is a question to help you see it differently – what is good about you not being there? (what will you get to do instead? who will you get to see? what would have been bad about you being there with his family for xmas?). The more you can see why it’s ok for you not to be there the less it will be a problem for you.
Kristie
xx
{ 1 trackback }