Your first Christmas without someone you love – part 2: How to include them in the day
If you haven’t read part 1 and would like to you’ll find it here.
If someone important in your life has passed away this year and this is your first Xmas without them it’s a great idea to do a little planning beforehand to make the day go a bit smoother for everyone. My first Christmas without Dad (and Nana) we didn’t have a plan like I’m about to suggest to you. At least not further than getting together for the usually family lunch, minus two very crucial members of the family, throwing out the odd comment about them throughout the day, wishing Xmas would just p*** off, and getting rather tipsy. That’s a euphemism by the way……for really drunk. My mother was hungover by about 3pm….. For me it was about 4pm…
Looking back I see that having planned something like this would have helped us include Dad and Nana in the day and allowed us to actually enjoy the company of everyone who was still there, instead of having the pain eclipse the day.
Consciously create some space in your Christmas day for the person who has died. Take some time where you all share a story about them, and toast them. Make this particular time for them and for sharing some of the things that touched you about them. This particular piece of time is not the time to be sharing pain. Not to say you can’t do that on the day but this very particular time is about remembering and connecting to them.
Whether it is 10 minutes or an hour – let the family know you plan to do this and set the time of day. The reason to make this particular time just for your person who has died (or people in some cases) is so you can feel like they have been included in the day and you have all had a chance to remember and connect to them. It’s important not to just try and block them out, which is what we do when it hurts too much, but which usually means that the reverse happens – they (or rather the pain related to them) takes over, as it can end up casting a shadow over the whole day. Which you could be pretty sure they wouldn’t want to be responsible for.
And it’s also important to take that special time for them, so that some of the day can also be about you and the other people you love too. One person (or the death of one person) shouldn’t be the only important thing on Christmas day. This is also an opportunity to appreciate those who you do have around you still and share your love and gratitude for them as well (in whatever way that looks like for you). Creating this little space for your person who has died means you can also create space to focus on the other people you love too.
If you want to you might also have a nice picture of them there with you at the table or close by. I would suggest you not put their picture on an empty chair though. Creating a space where they ‘should’ be is to create a little black hole that might upset you when you look at it and suck any potential joy and love of the day in to it. And surely that is not the way anyone would want to be remembered. They wouldn’t want to participate in your Xmas in that way – as an empty space.
Give yourself and your family permission to take the time to enjoy memories of them. And also give yourself permission to enjoy and appreciate the company of those who are still physically here with you.
Part 3 in the Xmas blog series will be about exactly how to create that space for you and for the other people you love on Christmas day too. You can find it by clicking here.
To find all the tips – and a couple more – in an e-book for you click here.
Kristie
xx
{ 8 comments }
Thanks Kristie, your articles are really helping me get my head around the first Christmas without my beloved father-in-law.
Jon x
You’re very welcome Jon. Feel free to let me know any bits that you are finding the hardest or are worrying you the most and I’ll happily address them in the next couple of blogs. xx
I would like to say, my heart goes out to each and everyone of you who are experiencing this experience. I cannot comment on the facts as I am lucky to still have my parents but before you delete this message, I want to say a huge thank you. I am a foster carer who looks after new born babies. I have to work extremely close to birth families and I often struggle to understand what they must be going through. To sit back and watch a stranger, play happy families with your new born babies on their first christmas. Reading the above comments, have helped me more than anyone could imagine. I know the family or myself, are not grieving over a beareavement but the loss in the families heart, must feel the same. I cant imagine how they feel to have to walk away, leaving their babies with me, being a stranger, and having to go back to their empty homes until the next point of contact. I have read your writting and took so much from it. I try to work as close with the families as possible, but I have never been in their situation. Thank you millions. Love to you all xxx Sarah xx
Hi Sarah,
thank you for your lovely message. Of course I wouldn’t delete it – you are more than welcome to share here. Thank you on behalf of all who will read your kind thoughts.
It is wonderful work that you do and I’m sure though it is incredibly hard for the families you have talked about, that they also take comfort that their baby is with someone like you, who cares so much.
Much love and keep it up – you are doing something amazing,
Kristie
xx
It has been a family tradition, as long as I can remember, to toast “absent friends” at midday. As we emigrated when I was 11 I imagined it was about people who were miles away. This year i will take that time to remember my Mum. Thank you.
You’re welcome Carol.
Kristie
xx
Hi Kristie,
Thank you for this addition. We are planning to spend the day at my oldest daughters home where she will cook Christmas dinner for the first time. We feel this will benefit the family as a whole. I personally have been having a very hard time of late since my husbands passing was only 3 months ago.
I really feel this would make Jim very happy. Thank you for what you are doing, it makes a difference.
Rose
Hi Rose,
That sounds like a great idea – having a different Christmas at your daughter’s. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it in these blogs but it’s a great idea to do different stuff and start new traditions. People often default into having Christmas exactly the same as prior years with one noticeable difference. There is no reason not to make new traditions, to do things totally differently if you want to. This can make a real difference too.
Kristie
xx
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