Couldn’t attend the funeral? The funeral didn’t go well or happened too quickly? Didn’t get to say what you wanted?
Well….do it again then.
Yup, do it again.
People have told me, years and years after a death, about still feeling ripped off that they were unable to attend the funeral and say goodbye. (Side note: I’m not a believer in the need for ‘goodbye’. You’ve gotta feel disconnected from someone to need to do that. I don’t feel at all disconnected from those in my life who have died…..hence no need for ‘goodbye’.)
People have told me about a less-than-perfect funeral – whether it was the venue, how quick the funeral happened, fights within the family – that are bad memories to them and have muddied the memory of their person who died.
People tell me about not having taken the chance to say what they wanted to say or not having known what they wanted to say at the time…and regretting it.
Death and the rituals and ceremonies around death are not the exclusive domain of those with the ‘right’ title and the ‘right’ training. Death is a part of life, normal life, your life. If you aren’t happy with the way the funeral went for you….then do it again the way you wanted.
Let’s think about honeymoons for a minute. I know it might seem weird to compare a honeymoon to a funeral, but sometimes we have to step away from the idea of death to get a little more practical about it. So…honeymoons. What happens if a couple miss their honeymoon, or it doesn’t happen how they want it, or they can’t afford it at the time, or they want to celebrate it all over again years later? Have they missed their one and only chance to have a honeymoon and will never, ever, ever be able to make up for it?
Nope.
They have a honeymoon later, when the baby is a bit older. Or when they’ve saved the money up. Or they have a second honeymoon. They aren’t confined by ideas that it must happen immediately or not at all, and then that’s the end of it.
It’s the same with funerals. There is nothing – aside from the fact that it just doesn’t occur to most of us that we can do this – to stop you repeating the ceremony at a later date (no matter how much later that is) and doing it how you want it.
Now that might sound complicated or expensive – but there is no reason for it to be either. Funerals feel complicated and can certainly be pricey. But why can’t you get a group of friends/family members together in a park, at the beach, or somewhere else you like and create your own ceremony. That doesn’t have to cost a thing.
You could involve a professional too – you can hire a funeral celebrant any time you like. This is the person who conducts the ceremony, works with you on what you might like to say and helps you to plan. Sure they are hired for the funeral (usually hired by the funeral director, if you aren’t having a priest of some kind) but you can hire one whenever you like. If that sounds expensive, know that of the thousands of pounds that you can spend on a funeral only a tiny part of that goes to the celebrant/priest. Most celebrants charge between £150 to £350 and travel expenses, and most that I know work closer to the lower price end (though they should be at the higher!). That’s the total – for all the planning they do with you getting it just how you want it, and then the ceremony.
A friend of mine has a business I love – it’s a simple cremation service. She organises the cremation of a body and then a family can do the funeral afterwards whenever they want, where ever they want, and however they want. (It’s Poppy’s Funerals if you want to check her out). I love this way of thinking about it – take out the formality and what look like ‘rules’. No cookie-cutter ceremonies with a name slotted in. Exactly what you want, how you want, when you want. And potentially a lot less expensive.
You might be thinking ‘but it isn’t the same without a body’. Isn’t it? Really? The body at a funeral is more a representation of them than anything else. You could have a framed photo of them as your central point for your own ceremony. Or something that belonged to them.
So……. it doesn’t matter how many years have passed, where in the world you are, or how many people are involved (it might just be you). You can redo a funeral/memorial ceremony any time you like, either on your own or with (very inexpensive but amazing) professional help.
If you feel that you missed out on something in some way around the funeral, if you have regrets, then do it again, in whatever way will work for you.
With much love,
Kristie
xx
PS if you’ve decided to have your own ceremony/service and want some help putting your speech together check out my e-book ‘How to Write and Give a Beautiful Funeral Speech’. Click here to take a look.
{ 9 comments }
Hi Kristie,
Good to hear from you. ‘ Wondering whether you could add us to your blog – we have been doing what Poppy has started to do for ages and perhaps you could say that we do this in the Bristol/Bath and surrounding areas?
Great blog re doing it again -it’s never too late – and maybe I’ll advertise that on my website as a company that could help with a celebrant etc. Best wishes, Paula
Love this. A simple and inspiring message. Very important, too, because people really do think they can’t. Some even seem to get off on nursing the grudge… Far better to make, if you choose or there seems to be no other way, a personal observance. But it must be vocalised and enacted – you can’t do it in your head.
Thanks for this thought, Kristie. It had never occurred to me — and now it seems so obvious! (All great ideas feel like that, don’t they?)
It was in a chat with Georgina Pugh (do you remember her from JOD last year?) talking about celebrants services and suddenly it seemed obvious how they could be hired anytime at all – to make up for a missed funeral, a bad funeral, or if people just wanted a ceremony again at a certain point, for whatever reason. As you say, once it occurs to you it makes perfect sense!
K
xx
Hi Paula,
Lovely to hear from you. And I think you just did it for me. 😉
Yeah I think celebrants should definitely be offering that – replacement funeral services, memorial services, etc.
K
xx
I have had the good fortune to experience an indigenous response to this issue. In my teacher’s culture — that of the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso in West Africa — it is recognised that we all notch up griefs and sorrows all the time: broken hearts, lost jobs, and all manner of other disappointments and miseries. There are very regular opportunities to purge these griefs: at the community’s frequent funerals. While a funeral provides the chance to grieve for that particular dead person, it also allows the expression of grief for any continuing sorrow. As a long (three days!) and embodied process, the catharsis seems very thorough.
As a celebrant in the states, we have less adoption of the practise than in the UK. But we’ll get there. I had this idea too and call it ‘a do-over.’ Could also be an idea for families/groups that are very divided as well. And as Charles says, it must be done ‘for real’ … not in your head or even on your all-alones. The point of ceremony/a memorial is to be within community.
Hi KateyAnne,
Thanks for your comment!
I would add those that it needs to be what the person in question (who is doing-over) wants it to be. That may or may not be a community event. It may or may not be all on their own.
Kristie
xx
Kristie.. this is a great article.. I have been a funeral director for over 40 years.. you have described many things that I have seen over the years.. after the death, people are often in a state of limbo and feel the need to do something quickly.. and before you know it, the funeral service becomes a blurr.. to have ceremony a few weeks, or months after the funeral would be very beneficial.. dosen’t have to cost a thing.. as you mentioned, do it at a favorite park, have a picnic, whever is important to the family.. show pictures, tell stories.. there is always someone in the family who would make a good MC.. thanks for sharing…
Thanks for your comment Pete!