Grief…it’s not a competition.
It really is time to quit all this which-kind-of-grief-is-the-worst stuff. You probably know exactly what I mean without a further explanation. You’ve probably seen this competition in action.
It’s this bizarre hierarchy of grief where certain types of death are considered the worst and, when compared to them, other types of death don’t really count apparently. Like if your beloved cat died but someone else’s wife died…then for some reason you are not considered entitled to any pain or, at least, to a whole lot less. Or if your elderly parent died while someone else’s child died.
I remember when my dad died. Mum and Dad were in the process of rehoming a dog (gorgeous he is. Radar. He’s very old now – wobbly and a bit incontinent, but still gorgeous). Mum still wanted him very much…in fact more so. A few days after the funeral the lady turned up with Radar to hand him over for good. She stood on the doorstep in floods of tears. She said to my mum “look at me, so stupid, crying over a dog when you’ve lost your husband”. She probably felt guilty.
How ridiculous is that? That because my mum’s husband (not hers) and my father (not hers) died, she is somehow not entitled to feel whatever she feels for the loss of a family member of her own.
There is no hierarchy. There is no worst death. I have seen people go through what many consider the worst and come out of the other side (a child). And I have seen them go through what many may consider the least…and be almost destroyed by it (a pet or a grandparent).
We are often advised to temper our feelings when someone has it ‘way worse than you do’. But we only do this for pain, not joy. When was the last time you heard someone say “hey, calm down there. You’re only off to Hawaii for 5 days. Mary over there is heading to SouthEast Asia for 6 glorious months. So don’t get too excited”? Or “you got engaged? Well it could be better. John just got married and they’re having a baby. So just count yourself unlucky that that’s not you”.
We don’t do that because it makes no sense. Your experience is your experience…and the only experience you’ll ever experience is…yup, your experience. You know whose grief is the worst? Yours. Because it’s the only grief you will feel, whatever it looks like.
Beware of using your grief to isolate yourself – “no-one knows what I’m going through. No-one will ever understand”. No-one else will ever understand exactly how chocolate icecream tastes in your mouth to your tastebuds either, what being in love feels like for you, or what a broken bone feels like for you…but this doesn’t make you worse, better, or more alone for it. It is isolating yourself because you feel that you are so different that will make you feel alone.
There is no worst grief. Or rather the worst grief is the pain you carry round you with you for 5, 10, 20, 30 years or the rest of your life….when you really don’t need to. The grief that goes unhealed because you believe you can’t heal it, that you shouldn’t heal it, and that you’ll lose something (other than the pain itself) if you heal it. That’s the worst grief, no matter the degree of it.
Who has it worst is not a helpful question. Comparing doesn’t make a difference. It doesn’t change anything in any way.
A better question always is…what are they doing about it? What can be done? Turn your focus to your own experience (no matter where on ‘the hierarchy’ you are) and start thinking about what you can do to help and heal yourself. Because you can help and you can heal.
Kristie
xx
{ 3 comments }
hi,
another excellent piece of writing.
i was thinking like that a couple of days ago.
actually my father died in 2002,
i dont have much grief for him even when he died,
reasons, he didnt take care of his health,
never took our advice and he was never affectionate with us.
but in my mother’s case,
she loved us even when we made mistakes,
took all medical advice and
was totally dependent on us for all things.
still its 42 days since she died.
so there is great disparity even in my grief for my father and mother.
what can i do now?
will just wait for kristie’s wisdom to roll out in the coming days
Thank you for this. I’ve found myself thinking this myself when somebody’s elderly parent died. I do believe it’s natural to compare experience, but I also try to remember that it’s another wall I put up to not deal with emotions. There is a loss no matter how long you’ve had with your loved one.
Hi Srinivasan,
as you’ve seen there is no way to predict what our reaction to death will be. It can be totally different for each of us and for each person in our lives who dies – this is simply because death can bring up many different things in each of us and each particular death will trigger different things. It’s not a measure of who we cared for more or less or what kind of person we are.
It just provides different opportunities for growth and healing.
xx