Couldn't attend the funeral? The funeral didn't go well or happened too quickly? Didn't get to say what you wanted?

Well....do it again then.

Yup, do it again.

People have told me, years and years after a death, about still feeling ripped off that they were unable to attend the funeral and say goodbye. (Side note: I'm not a believer in the need for 'goodbye'. You've gotta feel disconnected from someone to need to do that. I don't feel at all disconnected from those in my life who have died.....hence no need for 'goodbye'.)

People have told me about a less-than-perfect funeral - whether it was the venue, how quick the funeral happened, fights within the family - that are bad memories to them and have muddied the memory of their person who died.

People tell me about not having taken the chance to say what they wanted to say or not having known what they wanted to say at the time...and regretting it.

Death and the rituals and ceremonies around death are not the exclusive domain of those with the 'right' title and the 'right' training. Death is a part of life, normal life, your life. If you aren't happy with the way the funeral went for you....then do it again the way you wanted.

Let's think about honeymoons for a minute. I know it might seem weird to compare a honeymoon to a funeral, but sometimes we have to step away from the idea of death to get a little more practical about it. So...honeymoons. What happens if a couple miss their honeymoon, or it doesn't happen how they want it, or they can't afford it at the time, or they want to celebrate it all over again years later? Have they missed their one and only chance to have a honeymoon and will never, ever, ever be able to make up for it?

Nope.

They have a honeymoon later, when the baby is a bit older. Or when they've saved the money up. Or they have a second honeymoon. They aren't confined by ideas that it must happen immediately or not at all, and then that's the end of it.

It's the same with funerals. There is nothing - aside from the fact that it just doesn't occur to most of us that we can do this - to stop you repeating the ceremony at a later date (no matter how much later that is) and doing it how you want it.

Now that might sound complicated or expensive - but there is no reason for it to be either. Funerals feel complicated and can certainly be pricey. But why can't you get a group of friends/family members together in a park, at the beach, or somewhere else you like and create your own ceremony. That doesn't have to cost a thing.

You could involve a professional too - you can hire a funeral celebrant any time you like. This is the person who conducts the ceremony, works with you on what you might like to say and helps you to plan. Sure they are hired for the funeral (usually hired by the funeral director, if you aren't having a priest of some kind) but you can hire one whenever you like. If that sounds expensive, know that only a tiny part of the cost of a funeral goes to the celebrant/priest.

A friend of mine has a business I love - it's a simple cremation service. She organises the cremation of a body and then a family can do the funeral afterwards whenever they want, where ever they want, and however they want. (It's Poppy's Funerals if you want to check her out). I love this way of thinking about it - take out the formality and what look like 'rules'. No cookie-cutter ceremonies with a name slotted in. Exactly what you want, how you want, when you want. And potentially a lot less expensive.

You might be thinking 'but it isn't the same without a body'. Isn't it? Really? The body at a funeral is more a representation of them than anything else. You could have a framed photo of them as your central point for your own ceremony. Or something that belonged to them.

So....... it doesn't matter how many years have passed, where in the world you are, or how many people are involved (it might just be you). You can redo a funeral/memorial ceremony any time you like, either on your own or with (very inexpensive but amazing) professional help.

If you feel that you missed out on something in some way around the funeral, if you have regrets, then do it again, in whatever way will work for you.

If someone has died recently, here are some more posts for right now →