How disappointing my advice can be...

Often I hear from people I know when they have just had a death in their lives - say within the last week or month - asking for my advice.

To be honest, I think I mostly disappoint them.

Given that I'm always talking about healing completely and permanently from grief, I suspect that sometimes people expect me to tell them how to skip the pain, how to make it not-so-bad immediately. Maybe they hope I'll give them the tricks to staying happier and not falling into whatever their grief looks like. Perhaps the secrets to not grieving at all!

But I don't.

In the very early days my advice is all about how to support, care for, and love yourself while you go through whatever is coming up for you.

Trying to skip or avoid going through anything at all isn't going to help... and isn't going to heal you.

Maybe you will break. Maybe you will fall apart. And maybe you need to.

I know it isn't fun. God knows I've been there... and though I am grateful for it and wouldn't change it for the world... that doesn't make it more enjoyable at the time.

But it's important.

There is a time for healing. You do not need to suffer for years, certainly not decades, and absolutely not a lifetime as so many consider normal.

But initially... for that first few months... you need to stay open.

Allow your experience to be experienced. And cushion yourself. Make sure you are taking care of and supporting yourself as best you can while this is going on. And asking for the help you need.

Your time for healing will come too.

If someone has died recently, here are some more posts for right now →