Suicidal thoughts
I was speaking to someone who, after going through a ton of difficult stuff, has now had a death in their life to top it all off. They are finding themselves having suicidal thoughts at times, and this is why they reached out for help.
This brings back memories.
Both because I’ve worked with a lot of clients in this space – a person they love (sometimes the person they love most) has died, and they just don’t know how to cope. They don’t know how to live and they don’t know WHY to live. Things feel pointless to them and they just can’t see that it could get any better.
But it also brings back memories of my own experiences. I spent many, many years depressed as hell before the deaths in my life happened. And with depression comes, at times, suicidal thoughts. Comes with the territory.
The 6 deaths in 4 months came at a time in my life when I was seriously struggling with my depression already. It was only the 2nd time in years that I had admitted to an employer what I was going through, because it was getting tougher to manage. (Seemingly ironically I worked in metal health at the time. I say ‘seemingly’ because that industry attracts a lot of people with their own mental health stuff going on.)
And then…bang bang bang bang bang bang….all the deaths happened.
The first 6 months I got through, and then quit my job to go travelling for a year – this is something that had been planned well before the deaths in my life….and now felt more necessary than ever.
The year was pretty brutal. Thank god early on I met and fell in love with a wonderful man – I’m not sure how I would have got through without him. But most of that year I travelled alone. I would constantly meet people or groups of people….spend a few days with them. They’d have no idea what had gone on – I’d keep it all to myself – and before long I’d be finding it too hard to hold myself together and keep my fun-face on….so I’d leave and go off on my own again. And the isolation would become overwhelming and scary. So I’d make some more new friends…for a few days ….and the pattern would continue. It was a very lonely year in a lot of ways. And at times it was a scary year. I was deeply depressed and still suffering from all the deaths….and many times I was having suicidal fantasies about ending it all.
I have to dig deep to write about it all now. Not because it’s difficult or hurts too much. But because it’s all quite a distant memory now. The grief is totally gone. And so is the depression (though that’s another story and was healed quite separately from the grief). Those feelings….that year….those suicidal fantasies….are a distant memory in the past.
I know how terrible it can all feel. I know how lonely and isolating. I know how dark and sometimes scary your own thoughts can get.
If this is you, firstly, speak to someone. Share what you’re feeling. I spent many years as a martyr toughing it out alone, thinking ‘woe is me. I’m all alone. No-one can understand my struggle’. This doesn’t get you anywhere.
Speak to someone. Anyone. If you have to call up Samaritans or similar service to chat to a total stranger (I’ve done it) then do it. But don’t wear this alone.
And please believe me that it gets better – so much better. It isn’t hopeless. Your life isn’t pointless. It may not be recognisable to you right now…but things will change. They will improve. In fact, if you let them, when you’re ready, they can improve beyond what you can even imagine possible.
Wherever you’re at right now…it’s not a life sentence. I know it might be hard…..excruciatingly, agonisingly hard….right now. But it will get better.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Kristie
xx
